i have rimon. i went to a therapists but it got expensive and they waisted my time, he really didn't know what he was doing and said my battle was normal. e-mail me please so we can furture discuss what you think i should do now. thank you!

[color=maroon]Heiliger Be Holy, there are very few people in the world that can come even close to your Mesirus Nefesh!

R' Tvi Meir often quotes from Tzadikim, that the menuval's greatest - most powerful bomb is Yi'ush. So he saves it for a last resort and uses it when he's really desperate. When he throws the Yi'ush bomb at us, we can be sure that we are close to winning. Always remember "Keits Sum Lachoshech" the dark doesn't continue forever. Like R' Tvi Meir says: Don't run away by the maror!

The Zohar says that before Moshiach comes the world will be darker than ever. This is the necessary Hachana for the Tikun Hashalem. The same is true for each persons personal geulah, before the yeshua it gets the darkest. AND THE BIGGER THE THE KLIPAH IS THE BIGGER THE OHR IS!!! (just like a bigger fruit has a bigger peal)

LEMAAN HASHEM FIGHT WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT AND WITH SIMCHA! You have a very special shlichus in this world, and you're doing a fantastic job at it!!!

                                                                           CHAZAK VEEMATZ!!!

battle log day 35- "me lashem" "lashem=35. these little gematrias help people, believe it or not. today things went o.k.. this is my best chanuka in years- every day gets better!! the light within is only getting stronger as it is by the menorah. i fear my thought process is so warped- may hashem help us all. i feel weak because i am finally feeling and seeing again clearer than i have in a long time. life is becoming important again. time seams to be going so fast and i feel i have lost so much along the way. my head doesn't absorb the gemorah and i don't really understand the shuir- these things are bothering me now.......B"H!!!! i can see these things now!! meaning, the fight is far from over but ,things are on the up. before moshiach comes there will be a mabul of taiva-why? to destract us from realizing what out tachlis is... once we break through, we will b"h be able to see and feel what our purpose is in life- to serve hashem every waking moment. hashem loves us all but the tumah blocks us from feeling how important we are, and deters us from becoming the real me.
may the light of chanuka, the bais hamikdash, and mashiach burn in all or us. those who are on their way up and fighting. for those who haven't began the fight-seize the moment! half of chanuka is gone start today and hashem will send s"d "maila min hatev" and bring us through the long, depressing winter nights ino the yimai shovavim- what is after shovavim? geula!!! may we all get high together with the lights of chanuka!!

What an inspiration!

As far as the feeling that your thought process is warped, see this page for some chizuk.

I updated your chart, keep "being holy"!

thank you. battle log day 36 -i had a talk with a friend today who became frum in his twenties and messed around with girls from a young age. many of us go through hardships in identifying ourselves. the important thing is to be honest with ourselves. some days will be good ,some bad, and some unbelievable. may we all grow together in the service of hashem -

battle log day 39-I'm tired and worn out. i want to act out so badly- i wanna surf etc.. it's not the physical need but more the emotional feeling of speaking it out with somebody. tomorrow b"h will be day 40! i just feel lonely again, and in need of some excitement. will my wife ever satisfy my craving- now we are off but b"h we will be together sometime this week.

Holy Be Holy! As much you want to act out now, think about WHAT WILL YOU HAVE FROM IT?? Nothing but guilt and depression and distance from Hashem. And yet by NOT doing it, you are shaking worlds and earning reward that the malachim are jealous of!

Did you read it today's Chizuk e-mail? It is talking to you, one of the great elite soldiers on the front lines!

You are a chasid of R' Zvi Meyer. He speaks about how Chanukah is one of the times to cleanse out our eyes, through seeing the lights of the Menorah and how Chanukah is from the lashon "chen", ve'noach matzah "chen" be'einei Hashem, and how we can be Zoche on Chanukah to "einei Hashem"!

As long as your wife is not "enough" for you, it is the poison of "lust" speaking - not your intellect. And that poison is NEVER satisfied. I can tell you hundreds of stories of people who had this poison in their blood and they let it control them. And they were never ever happy until they hit bottom really hard and finally surrendered their lust to Hashem.

Hashem Davka gave you a woman that you don't feel "lust" for, to show you that "lust" is FALSE. Treasure your relationship with her and you will conquer LUST. Let her be your "measuring" scale. As long as you feel distant from her because of this, it is a siman you have to work harder on giving up lust. On the other hand, the more you can appreciate her, the more it means you are making progress. This is a GIFT from Hashem. Be THANKFUL that he didn't give you a woman who would continue to FEED your addiction and lust.

It takes a lot of maturity to accept what I am telling you, because it is hard. But you will see one day how true it is what I am saying. I only pray you see it soon, and not have to learn the hard way.

Read again please what we said in Chizuk e-mail 362 and 363 (on this page) about LUST.

Keep up the good work. You are lighting up the night by keeping strong even when feeling down, weak and tired out. Being strong in such a situation is worth 100 times more than being strong when feeling happy, satisfied and close to Hashem.

Not for nothing the Pasuk says "Merachok Nireh Li Hashem". Davka in a Matzav of "Rachok" is a person Zoche to see Hashem.

Day 40 is a BIG milestone! We are really getting excited for Ka Echsof on day 45  ;D (already 3 people asked for it, but I told them it's yours at day 45).

reb elya- and sugnificance to the number 45? how about 40 days to ka echsof ? kinegad the 40 days it took the waters of the mabal to purify the land...40 days of formation of the fetus....40 saa of water required to purify someone in a mikva....40 days between r"h and y"k?.....twice the sem hashem "before the chet and after the chet".......40 days of luchos shnios.......
[/quote]
check #16 and #17- remember we had a deal at 40? (page 2)
i will keep strong b"h- we should all daven and learn extremely well today. we all need it, we are in for a rocky ride. may hashem snd us simple rachamim.

Heiliger be holy, I was planning to email you about this issue with your wife. But now Rabeinu Guard said it better than I could have, I think he hit the nail right on the head!
As you start to really "live" and you come to realize that life is not about lusting, you will find that you are able to build a wonderful relationship with your wife. (I have reason to think that the process has already begun!)

thank you everyone for your chizzuk- today is day 40. it is my yom kippur. my rebbe gave me a verbal beating- but where-ever we are moving in the right direction the satan will fight us by any means. EVEN REBBEIM!!!
  p.s. i am waiting to listen  to ka echsof.............

Did you enjoy Kah Echsof, Tzadik? You earned it! It's up on our music page as well now. And in your Zechus, EVERYONE heard it today in the chizuk e-mail!

Keep up the good work. I updated your chart.

day 41- sick. but thought maybe i gpt sick because i would have been tempted to act out and am really being saved. the music was great thank you... everyone be strong- you will win b"h and get your life back!!

battle log- week 6- can't wait to get to week 7!!

battle log day 43- just thinking last night about the skeleton of a human being- men are no different than women except for the pelvic bone when it is all said and done... it got me thinking- why can't we see the neshama of a person if that is all we truly are? why am i so tied up in what the person wears or what she looks like? what is the part of man that needs this?- i think if i can understand this it may help me heal and give aid to counter my y"h..... anyone have any thoughts?

Rabbi Miller used to speak about  how we need to praise Hashem for Malbish Arumim every day, in that we are different than the animals. And I think it says in the Gemara, Rava Kara Lem'anai mechabdusah, he called his clothes, his "honor".

I had a nice thought once. We say in Brachos every morning Malbish Arumim first, and after that, Matir Asurim. If you want to achieve "Matir Asurim" and break free from this addiction, you need to Malbish Arumim first and get a good strong internet filter  :D

BTW, all these thoughts you have show you are trying really hard and forcing your intellect to rule your heart. This is all Hashem asks from us. I promise you if you keep it up, you will see that it will get a LOT easier. All these thoughts about "If only my wife looked better" and if only I had this and that, EVERYONE goes through that at a certain stage. But after working on ourselves - which you are doing every day, it slowly goes away and we become happy with our lot. Really.

Keep it up Tzadik!