i had a chance to speak to rav zvi meir on erev shabbos and told him i fell.( we have been working on this issue for 5 monthes and i update him every week) he stopped and asked how badly i fell- i told him ad shol tachtion- he wanted to know when i fell. he was very concerned as to how this could happen with all the kedushas y"t.
  anyhow i told him i fear that i will relapse into my old ways- he grabbed me and pulled me aside and said "you definitely had a big test,but i promise you that if you are michazik now then hashem will be mochel"- i shrugged it off and he grabbed me and said a few times "chas v' shalom that you lost everything, the y"t wants to get you down. make a kabbalah now to strengthen,because hashem has given you a test to fall to show that next time you will go longer and stronger- that is the important thing to remember" .
i am writing this because it is a lot of what we all need to hear constantly.
i am not sure where to start my counting again- any suggestions?

I don't even think you should start a new counting. As long as you pick yourself up and continue on the path you were on, you should continue to count from your original start date. The YH wants you to think that you need to "start over", with all the falls that go with the beginning of the battle. Don't give that to him!!! Just dust yourself off and keep going.

The fact that you update R' Zvi Meyer honestly, even when you fell all the way - this is the sign of a true warrior who will succeed in the end to truly break free!

Don't get down on yourself. You had a difficult childhood and Hashem understands your tests. He only gives you these tests as an opportunity to come close to him becomes he loves you so much.

Ask yourself what caused the fall? bein Hazmanim no doubt played a roll... Is the filter not as strong as it should be? What can you learn from the fall that will keep you longer and stronger next time? Would you consider joining a 12-Step group? If someone has cancer, they'll do everything they can to heal - forgetting of all side effects.

Know that only Hashem can ultimately take us out of the grasp of the yetzer Hara. Daven to him constantly. Talk to him and tell him that you rely on him and trust in him to take you out of this Mitzrayim and help you learn to give him your heart. Beg him to save you from the poison of lust, and to help you love and lust for him instead, as David Hamelech said “Tzama Lecha Nafshi, Kama Lecha Besari”.

The pasuk says: "Gibor Lo Yinatzel Berov Koach... hinei ein Hashem el Yirei'av, la'miyachalim lechasdo - The strong man will not be saved through strength... Behold the eye of Hashem are to those who fear him and hope to his kindness". One meaning of this could be that Hashem doesn't give success to STRONG people who can overcome the Yetzer hara even when it is very difficult. Hashem has enough "strong" Malachim in Shamayim. As a matter of fact, if a person thinks he is strong enough to withstand any test, Hashem may purposefully test him and bring him to fall just to show him that he is not as strong as he thinks. Instead, Hashem wants only "fear of heaven" and "hoping to him" for help. When we ask Hashem for help and tell him that we want to fear him, and when we hope to him and tell him that we know that we can't do it without him - THEN we will see success.

I'm sure rav Tzvi Meyer knows what the Sefarim say, that the great light that comes down on Pesach is taken away from us and we need to build ourselves up now during Seffirah, starting from the ground up.

Always know this Yesod: The truest test of an Eved hashem is davka when Hashem takes everything away from us. When we have fallen, when we feel nothing. No emotion. No Hislahavus. No desire. Hashem has done this purposefully, because that's where the real test is - are you an eved hashem because it's your nature, because you have a fire inside you? Or are you an eved hashem even when you feel nothing - because that's the will of Hashem and nothing else??? This is the moment of truth for you.

guardureyes wrote on 19 Apr 2009 12:02:


There are Rishonim in arvei pesachim that say exactly the opposite.  On shabbos we get a neshama yesara, but it is taken away from us.  However, on yom tov it remains with us forever.  I herad the reason is because the kedusha of yom tov is isarusa D'l"Sata (inspiration from below, for a complete understanding of this concept, see the beginning of siduro shel shabbos), therefore we can hold on to it forever if we properly work for it.
The taharas hakodesh brings from the zohar who says the same is true for a baal teshuva.  He gets a neshama yeseira and gets to retain it.
Regarding your comment about the light being taken and starting over again during sefira, I do not understand.  Sefira began on pesach, not after pesach.

I meant to say "the great light that comes down on the seder night is taken away from us and we need to build ourselves up now during Seffirah, starting from the ground up".

See the Beis Ahron (Karlin) and many other Chassidishe Sefarim on this well known concept...

I too did not totally understand this. It is well known throughout, that the greater the light,(the kedushah), the greater the tumah. There is always this inyan of  "zeh k'neged zeh".  Also, having a neshoma yesirah does not negate the y"h. It is a fact that many people feel their greatest struggles during the Yomim Tovim, and in fact have their falls at these times. Why?  During the Chagim, the "light" is so great, but many of us, (baalei tshuva on the way), do not as of yet have proper keilim to receive and hold this light.
  Also we know that the entire sefira is one of the greatest and most significant times to do tshuva completely. To rectify all of the levels that are found in all of the different sefiros. We can see this fact echoed in the "Yihee Ratzon" we say after counting the sefirah each night. And, this counting begins AFTER the first Yom Tov of Pesach.

me wrote on 19 Apr 2009 14:32:

Indeed the Gemara (kiddushin 81a) states that the sore point of the year (in terms of arayos and related aveiros) is yom tov.  Tosfos writes that is why we fast BeHaB. More on that another time and how this has personally affected me.

guardureyes wrote on 19 Apr 2009 14:24:

I figured that is what you meant.  But the kedushas Yom Tov extends for six more days, which is during sefira. So I do not think what you are saying is contradictory to the message R" Tzvi Meir gave to "be holy".

guardureyes wrote on 19 Apr 2009 12:02:

Yes, this is a very important yesod.  I have been contemplating this yesod for over a month and a half now.

Where in the world do such beautiful words coming from the heart appear every day? I am sure the Malachim are dancing with joy at what goes on here! And, Be-Holy, as the Zohar says - the greatest light comes from the darkest dark...

I am so honored to be a part of this forum.

i agree guard. reading these posts of how kedusha works is very inspiring-
  well here we go again. the computer was updated with new software to filter and block- but i b"h feel better about myself going into round two. my mind b"h is stronger- i feel more in control and the y"h is still great but not like he used too be when i first started.
  additionally- i put a picture of r' zvi meir next to the computer. for some reason i connect more to him than the giants of our generation. my wife laughed when i came home -she didn't see who the picture was of ,but she guessed reb zvi meir- it was funny. the seforim say seeing a rebbe helps a great deal in kedusha.
  i want to make hashem proud and bring him nachas- the true warriors of hashem also fight when it is not so exciting. there are two ways to serve hashem- with heart and feeling, but there are also times there is no heart or feeling- hashem wants both types from us. and who is to say that the times we don't feel connected are not higher than the times we feel really good? just a thought i had during shalos suedos this week. not feeling is also good because it gives us a good reading of who we are and where we are holding. i think this goes all across our lives. just relaxing our mind when we don't feel things also gives us insight if we think about our avodah at that moment, and believe it or not we will be happy, even when we lack feeling!

Thanks for the personal insights, "be holy".  It is so inspiring to watch you grow step by step.

well here we are again. starting from day one. my goal is till next shabbos to stay clean. anyone have any info on groups here Israel?
i am learning that this is a part of me that has been running my life for so long-that the productive part of me is dormant. it is time for the person i want  to be and who i am to push through.
therefore mister yetzer harah i say;
i have lived my whole life never expressing myself for fear of people knowing what i have really been up to.
my mind is wired to think about sex-that is a fact but this controls me and puts the real me into submission.
getting down won't do it- we need to come to terms with this piece of ourselves ,
and tell him that although he is a part of us we need to push forward and therefore he has to take a back-seat in our lives.
kol ha kavod to all the warriors out there that are really bringing kedusha into the world , with their every breathe!

Net once went to a group here. It wasn't good for him but I don't know exactly why. I'll bli neder ask him more about it and I'll get back to you.

CHAZAK VE'EMATZ!!!

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