smile

L'Toieles Horabbim, it is proper to brush your teeth before you smile!

you made me smile (with my lips closed)

happy purim!

Shouldn't that be "Merry Purim"?

www.bhol.co.il/Article.aspx?id=38790

Gevura ShebYesod wrote on 07 Mar 2012 17:33:

chanuka time i was in a certain public area in Jerusalem, and there was a minyan mincha, one of the guys was wearing a santa cap... must've been an employee

    March 3, 1841: On Saturday evening and on Sunday morning next, all pious Jews and Jewesses attend the Synagogue, on which occation the Book of Esther, Megillath Estar, will be chaunted by brother Jaques Lyons, and perhaps by brother Ellis, also, both very competent hazanim, readers, and very frum withal. On Sunday, most of the Jews will receive calls, similar to those made on New Year's day. Tables will be set out, furnished with the choicest viands and liquors. Presents of various kinds will be given to the poor, whose hearts will, on this day at least, be made to rejoice. A piece of advice, and we close. Let there be no hammers or mallets used in the Crosby street , when the name of Haman is mentioned; but, in its proper place, let every one exclaim at the top of his voice, zachor letob. We wish one and all, a happy, happy Purim.

    March 9, 1841: Purim - This feast, in commemoration of the Salvation of the Jews by the lovely Queen Esther, was very merrily and delightfully kept. We were deprived from visiting the Shule on account of the tremendous storm; and very sorry we are that we could not listed to the sweet chanting of the Megilla by the Reverend Jacques Lyons. We understand that there were only about forty-five who attended. On Sunday, however, it was somewhat pleasant; which afforded an excellent opportunity to hear the Magilla, and to pay Purim calls. The Spanish Jews behaved well throughout the day and evening; but some of our Tiche friends eat and drank too much. They must learn to deny themselves both in the Succa and on Purim day,- and indeed, on all other holy days. They must not "make their God their belly." We are happy to learn that no noise was made when the name of Haman was read; and also that with one shout of triumph every Hebrew cried out zachor letob after the word leharbona, following the good advice of the Herald.

onthemainline.blogspot.com/2012/03/1841-purim-in-new-york.html

Awful and terrible at the same time. Happy purum

An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha's Vineyard. She slipped and fell. Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered. "It was a pleasure to help you. *Don't you recognize me? I am your president. Are you going to vote for me in the next election?" The elderly woman laughed and replied: ''You know I fell on my backside, not on my head!"

ur-a-jew wrote on 23 Apr 2012 19:56:

I once heard from a certain Rabbi in Baltimore who had difficulty walking and used a cane- someone told him, "the rebbe should get a silver cane" he replied, "I have problems with my FOOT not my HEAD".

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When a chemist dies, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro? what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

_________________

what do u call a group of bais Yaakov girls on a scary roller coaster? A tehillim group

why do chinese hate football? Because they spend 16 hours a day making them

_________________

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

U 'neak up on it.


How do you catch a tame rabbit?

tame way, you 'neak up on it.

___________________

The phone rings at the circus director. "Hello, I'm a talking horse and would like to appear in your circus."
"That's surely a joke," he says and hangs up. A moment later the phone rings again and he hears the same sentence. At once he hangs up. As the phone rings once more, the circus director picks up again and hears the same voice: "Please do not hang up again, it's so hard to dial the number with my hoof."


__________________


Inspirational Office Posters We’d Like to See

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never quit until you have another job.
If you can read this, you’re not working!
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile - It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
Pride, Commitment, Teamwork — words we use to get you to work for free.
Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.
There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don’t work here anymore.

Daffynitions

Every year the Washington Post conducts a contest in which readers are asked to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are some of this year’s winners:

{intaxication}: euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

{reintarnation}: coming back to life as a hillbilly.

{bozone (n.)): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

{giraffiti}: vandalism spray-painted very, very, high.

{sarchasm}: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

{hipatitis}: terminal coolness.

{karmageddon}: it’s like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really bad vibes.

{dopeler effect}: meteorologists take note - the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you from a computer.

{beelzebug} (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 a.m. and cannot be cast out, even by an exorcit.

{caterpallor} (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the apple you’re eating.

Spotted in the toilet of a London office: “Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.”

In a Laundromat: “Automatic washing machines. Remove all your clothes when the light goes out.”

In a London department store: “Bargain Basement upstairs.”

In an office: “Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday bring it back, or further steps will be taken.”

In an office: “After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.”

Outside a secondhand shop: “We exchange everything — bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?”

Notice in health food shop window: “Closed due to illness.”

Spotted in a safari park: “Elephants stay in your car.”

Seen during a conference: “For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care center on the 1st floor.”

Notice in a farmer’s field: “The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.”

Message on a leaflet: “If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.”

On a repair shop door: “We can repair anything. Please knock on the door — the bell doesn’t work.”

Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose Daddy was the greatest.

David said, "My Dad is the greatest because he is rich stock broker on Wall Street."

Michael said, "That’s nothing. My Daddy is a politician and he says he’s the most powerful man around."

Moishie said, "That's nothing, my Dad is a rabbi, and he owns hell.”

“How can you own hell?” asked the other boys.

“Well my Dad came home last night and told my mom that the Shul Board gave it to him!"

_______

"Honey," said David to his wife Rebecca, "I invited a friend home for supper. I hope that’s OK."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I haven’t even cooked anything yet!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper? Now I have to get to start cleaning and cooking. "

"Exactly. The house is a pig sty and I haven’t had a good home cooked meal in weeks. Thanks!”

_________________

Hello and thank you for calling the Jewish Grandparent Hotline. If you are one of our children, press 1

If you need us to stay with the grandchildren, press 2

If you want the grandchildren to sleep at our house tonight, press 3

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 4

If you want us to prepare a meal for Shabbos and have it delivered to your home, press 5

If you want to come here for Shabbos, press 6

If you need money, press 7

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or are sending us on a cruise for our anniversary start talking!!

______________________

Rachel decides to do some shopping at and manages to persuade her husband Moishe to join her. After 2 hours of looking around one women's clothes store after another, Rachel suddenly realises that Moishe is no longer with her. So she calls him on his cell phone to see 'what's what.'

"So where are you?" she angrily asks Moishe. "I thought we were shopping together."

"Don't get broyges, darling," replies Moishe. "Do you remember the jewellery shop by the escalator in the middle of the mall, the one we spent time in last year and where we saw a lovely gold necklace for you but which was just a little bit too expensive for us to buy and where I said I would get it for you one day?"

"Yes, of course I do, darling" replies Rachel excitedly. "Why do you ask?"

"Well I'm in the Cafe next door to that jewellery store eating an ice cream."

_________________

Shimon has a problem. In fact he’s had a problem for so long that it’s beginning to worry him to death. Finally, he decides he has to do something about it and goes to see Dr. Bloom, his local psychiatrist.

"Oy, doctor, have I got a problem," says Shimon. "Every night, when I get into my bed, I think there's a crazy person under it ready to do me some serious harm. I'm going meshugga with fear. Please help me."

"Don’t worry, Shimon," says Dr. Bloom, "I can cure you of your fears, but it will not happen overnight."

"So how long will it take, doctor?" asks Shimon.

"Well," replies Dr. Bloom, thinking, "come to me twice a week for 3 months and I’ll rid you of your phobia."

"And how much do you charge per session, doctor?" asks Shimon.

“My charges are $300 per session," replies Dr. Bloom.

"But that will cost me $7200!" says Shimon. "I’m going to have to think about it and let you know. I can’t really afford that kind of money."

Many months later, Shimon meets Dr. Bloom at the supermarket. "So why didn't you decide to let me cure you of your fears?" asks Dr. Bloom.

"Well," replies Shimon, "As I told you then, your fees were really too high for me. And then my rabbi gave me the cure for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went on a week’s holiday to Tel Aviv."

"So how, may I ask, did your rabbi cure you?" asks Dr. Bloom.

"Easy," replies Shimon, "he told me to cut the legs off my bed. It’s now so low that nobody can get under it!"

Thanks zem! I haven't laughed like that since bards was here.

So, I discovered this topic, and I HAD to dig up stuff from my archives.
Here's one Shmutter-style article:



Veker (noun) – Yiddish term, literally ‘waker’. The term applied to the person appointed by the other members of his group to wake them up in time for morning prayers --Encyclopedia Brittanic-oy

The job of a veker dates back to before time began- well, not quite that long. One bochur (usually elected by his friends), one who was responsible and who usually got up early anyway, would go around waking the others an appropriate amount of time before Shacharis began:
Shake, shake. “Hey, wake up.” “Mmm. What time is it?” “Quick, get up, or you won’t have enough time to get to Shacharis!” “… HEY, it’s 5:30!” “Well, yesterday it took you two hours to get ready. Now get up so I can go back to sleep.”
The veker was permitted to take any measures necessary to wake up his charges:
“Hey, what’s that strange smell? Phh, it’s disgusting!” “First experience with smelling salts, huh? Get up, or else.”
The trick, of course, was to say something completely random and a bit strange, to make the subjects annoyed enough to get up, or at least throw something at the veker:
“This message is brought to you by The Committee for the Spiritual Health of Yeshiva Bochurim. Uncle Shmuel Wants YOU to come to Shacharis in Yeshiva today.” “Would you just get out of here?”
Still, the veker toes a very thin line between doing his job, and, well, doing it too well:
7 Elul WANTED: Veker to wake up Bochurim. Hazard pay included. Bonus for every two consecutive weeks on the job. Not responsible for any of the job’s consequences.
You’ll note that the veker has a formidable array of weapons to help him at his task, including but not limited to water (or better, ice), his voice (Which becomes the symbol of the local alarm clock company), and all sorts of gadgets:
“But, officer, you can’t arrest him for blowing up the neighborhood! He notified them that if they didn’t diffuse the bomb before 7:20, it would go off! He warned them first!” “Uh, Rabbi, I think you’d better come with me as well.”
But the most formidable weapon of all, aside for annoying music (Beethoven?) is the Rosh Hayeshiva:
Veker to Boy Who Is Always Up Before He Arrives: “Is he (Boy Who Never Gets Up) getting up this morning?”
Boy Who Is Always: “Yes!”
Veker (after recovering from faint): “Really? Why?”
Boy Who Is Always: “The Rosh Yeshiva told him he’d better come to Shacharis today, or he’ll lose his bed.”
Alternatively, there was a bochur who was veker in the Mir Yeshiva who told me this story. One afternoon, he was late to second seder. Rav Shmuel Berenbaum, ZTZ”L, was standing guard by the door to the Beis Hamedrash, and caught him on his way in. He asked him why he was late. The bochur replied that he had been waking up bochurim in the dormitory (a block away). Upon hearing that, R’ Shmuel wanted to know if the bochurim were coming. When the bochur replied in the negative, R’ Shmuel promptly went with him to the dormitory to wake up the bochurim personally. He did this by stroking the sleeping bochur’s cheek and asking, “Nu? Vos Mit Seder?” However, he only woke up one room. The other rooms were strangely empty!

So what are you waiting for? Wake up and become a veker!