some Azerbaijani jokes

Secret of Longevity:

One day Molla was asked the secret to longevity.

"Keep your feet warm, your head cool, be careful what you eat and don't think too much."


Tiger Powder
One day Molla Nasreddin was sprinkling some powder on the ground around his house.

"Molla, what are you doing?" a neighbor asked.

"I want to keep the tigers away."

"But there are no tigers within hundreds of miles."

"Effective, isn't it?" Molla replied.


Donkey's Word
One day a neighbor called on Molla.

"Molla, I want to borrow your donkey."

"I'm sorry," Molla said, "but I've already lent it out."

As soon as he had spoken, the sound of a donkey braying came from Molla's stable.

"But Molla, I can hear your donkey in there."

"Shame on you," Molla said indignantly, "that you would take the word of a donkey over my word."

Man's Best Qualities
One day someone asked Molla, "What are the best qualities of mankind?"

"Well," he replied, "a philosopher once told me that there are two. He had forgotten the one, but he told me the other. But to tell you the truth, I've since forgotten that one, too."

בשר הנעלם מן העין!=

The ITALIAN Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

I'd avoid sharing this one with the wife or MIL on MAN night... or any other night... unless you like sleeping on the couch .

A few more not for the faint of heart.

What is the difference between a mother-in-law and a pit bull?
Lip Stick


Yankel comes running out of his apartment screaming for help.  His friend Berel comes running over to see what is going on.
"Nu vat is wrong"
"My shvigger is trying to jump out the vindow.
"Nu, vats the problem, you hate your shvigger.
"She can't open the vindow.....HELP.....HELP!!!!

It is the mother-in-laws birthday party and it is time to open the presents.  After all the presents are opened, her son-in-law hands her an envelope.  She opens it and is amazed to see a certificate for a pre-paid funeral including the plot.  She gasps and thanks him profusely for the most expensive present she has ever been given.  The year passes and the scene repeats itself at the next party.  After the presents are opened, the mother-in-law looks longingly at her son-in-law and asks "I am a little surprised that you didn't get me anything this year."  He replies, "Why should I?  You still haven't used the present I got you last year!!" (Told to me by my Shvigger)

chaimyakov

How's this for an original sence of humor?

These are things people actually said in court word for word. I am dedicating these to cry2tatty, who I hope does not sue me for this...

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

__________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do..

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you serious?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral..

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

LOL! Thanks Shmiras!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false. 

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of Woodford.



With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.  They put his left leg in.  And then the trouble started.

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.



1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed...Skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.




Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa. Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year.”


With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked.
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'
Thirty minutes passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?' 
'No, not yet,' she said.
After another short while had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OKAY?!!’

This post is not for the women  (UNLESS THEY HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR AND CAN HANDLE IT!!)


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

  David Bissonette


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?

  Dumas


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

  Sigmund Freud


'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

  Anonymous


'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison


'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

  James Holt McGavra


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

  Patrick Murra


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

  Nash


You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

  Anonymous


My wife and I were happy for twenty years Then we met.

  Henny Youngman


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

  Rodney Dangerfield


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

  Anonymous


First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

  Anonymous

That whistling sound above your head?....

It's the rolling pin, coming down fast  : :o :o :o :o :o > :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

don't let this one get to your head 

eiw!!!


    Yuch!!!


          Rabeinu is probably rolling in his grave!!!

PS zemmy: did you realise that the lady in the backround is wearing tight jeans? what filter do you use, I want to switch!

Shmiras

The fellow in the background is a man...... Do you like my hair cut?

i love it!
how much hair did you cut away?