Och...I have no time for this stuff anymore.

I'm going to go and eat a head of goldberg lettuce.

Good bye!

.

From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this absolutely true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

A girl comes to her father and announces her marriage plans. When the father asks the boy's occupation, the girl tells him that he is a chazan (cantor). The father says, "No daughter of mine will marry a chazan!" The girl and her mother cry and beg, but the father is adamant. He won't consider a chazan for his daughter. Finally, they convince him to go to shul to hear the potential chassan (groom) in action. After the davening the father comes to his daughter and wishes her mazel tov. The daughter, delirious with joy, asks her father what changed his mind about her intended. He replied, "I heard him, and he's no chazan!"

A jewish guy in communist Russia found out that the KGB are on their way to search his house. He quickly got rid of anything that might show that he davins and keeps mitzvos. The black car pulled up at the curb, and the KGB men are walking up t ohis door, suddenly the man realizes that his parrot is going to get him killed when it starts to say amen, and shema! Desperate he looks around for somewhere to hide the parrot and as the men start banging on his door he stuffs the parrot into the freezer. The men come inside and search the entire house from top to bottom. When they get to the kitchen, the man's heart starts to beat harder. Sure enough they open the refrigerator ... and then the freezer... they look at the parrot, and suddenly the parrot starts to sing.- "long live Stalin! our courageous leader Stalin!" Satisfied that the man was a genuine communist they left. The man then took his parrot out of the freezer and said "thank you so much, you saved my life!" "but, what- who taught- how did you know to say all of those things?" to which the parrot replied "Five minuets in Siberia, and I'll say anything"

TrYiNg wrote:


guess many of us live in that la-la land.

from the old time chill spot:

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love -- which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night!"

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this...

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is the word UP. It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP and say modeh ani? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP, and why do we speak UP?

We cheer UP our friends on GYE, call UP our wives, polish UP the silver before Shabbos, and brighten UP a room. We warm UP the leftovers, and help clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house, and some guy fixes UP the car. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. Go figure.

At other times this little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. A drain must be opened UP because it is clogged UP. We open UP a store in the morning and close it UP at night.

Well, we seem pretty mixed UP about UP, no?

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. And, if you are feeling UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It may take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more!

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP (please do ), because my time is UP, so.......
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Thought some of you would appreciate the new Express Lane sign at our local Walmart:





What's the world (at least in the USA) coming to?

Yudi wrote:


And dance with me

What's the difference between this and that?
That this is spelled like this and that is spelled like that!

Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."

"That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation."

An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.

The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence."

After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers."

And for all of you Chemistry folks out there - one of my favorites::

Little Willie was a Chemist.
Little Willie is no more.
What he believed was H₂O
Was really H₂SO₄

Boruch Dayan HaEmes...

The New Bell-Ringer!

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell-ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell-ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous, “But you have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo! Suddenly, as the armless man was rushing forward to strike a bell, he tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed downstairs to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell..."

(But wait, there's more...)

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a great trivia question for you), the bishop continued his interviews for a new bell-ringer of the cathedral of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this sacred duty!"

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up the heavy mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned suddenly, clutched at his chest, and dropped dead on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?” they asked breathlessly, "Who is this man?"

[Now wait for it...]

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother..."