121. Restart your day anytime with the serenity prayer.

I'm sure you know it already, but for convenient's sake:



I find that sometimes when I'm getting really bogged down it's often because I just messed up or just slipped or just got angry or just had a bad day yesterday and then I have this feeling that since from now until the end of time is going to continue in much the same manner.

But, I can disconnect myself from what WAS just going on.  I can just put it behind me and start all over again.  I don't HAVE to keep on feeling or acting the way I just was just because that's what I was doing.  I can PAUSE and make a choice to change directions.  But, I need G-d's help to do it, so a little prayer is helpful.

--Elyah

122.  Daily Sobriety Renewal

What is the Daily Sobriety Renewal?  It is the following series of questions to help us re-commit to sobriety:

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SA Daily Sobriety Renewal Checklist
    (Taken from the SA newsletter, "The Essay")

These questions are shared between recovery partners at the beginning of the day.

1) Are you willing to admit you are powerless over lust and sexual acting out, just for today?

2) Do you desire sobriety for the next 24 hours: freedom from sexual obsession and acting out, freedom from fear, resentment, shame, and isolation?

3) Are you willing to do whatever is necessary to protect this desire including spiritual reading, reaching out and calling others, prayer and meditation, physical care of your body, setting appropriate boundaries, and refusing all lust hits as toxic?

4) Just for today, do we commit to G-d and this group that we do not have to have sex with ourselves or anyone else (except a spouse) no matter what, realizing that at the end of this 24 hours we are free to continue with sobriety or go another way?

5) Do you understand that this renewal does not keep you sober (G-d does), but it does make you aware of yourself and accountable to others?

6) And, just for today, are you willing with me to hand over your will and the care of your life to the One Who kept you sober yesterday and has protected you from the full consequences of your lust in the past?

7) Have you done anything in the last 24 hours that you’re ashamed of?

8 ) Are we aware of anything in our plans for the next 24 hours of which we might become ashamed? Any danger zones, slippery spots on the horizon, or hidden bottles we should bring to the light?

Close by exchanging at least one gratitude.

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    --Elyah

123.  Contact your sponsor regularly.

What is this doing in "improve your relationship with G-d"?  I don't know.

I can guess, though, that when you're out-of-touch with recovery it means you are, little-by-little, becoming more self-centered (and therefore less G-d centered).  Your sponsor is not a therapist, he is just supposed to be a guide to show you how to stay on-track in recovery which, by the way, keeps you from being self-centered and helps you to be more G-d centered in your life.

124.  Take Good Orderly Directions

It takes a bit of humbling oneself to follow directions, and humbling oneself makes one more receptive to G-d's will.  When a person insists on making up his own method of recovery (and refuses to follow anyone else's directions--and PRIDES himself on this), it is a function of the ego--and it is precisely our EGO which fuels our addiction.  Ego is really at the core of every lust hit we take, so trying to cure ourselves "ALL BY OURSELVES" is, esentially, like trying to cure ourself of lust by looking at pornography.

Also, ISOLATION is another major aspect of our addiction.  By insisting on doing things alone, by refusing to take directions from anyone else, we keep ourselves in isolation.  This, too, is like trying to cure ourselves of lust by looking at pornography.

Another aspect of this addiction is that "we have lost all context of what is right and wrong."  We are not likely, on our own, to devise a recovery plan that works.  "You can't cure a sick mind with a sick mind."  So, we need to follow the example of people who have been restored to sanity, even if we don't understand them.  (Actually, since we are addicts with sick, addictive minds, we are almost SURE not to understand the cure until after we follow it and see that it works.  Since our vision is backwards, if something makes sense to us while we are still sick, it may actually be an indication that it is wrong.)

--Elyah

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128. Move from fear to love.

Realize when you're in fear of something. Ask Hashem to remove it, then take an action of love.

Again, I don't know what the connection is between fear and love.

I think the action of love doesn't necessarily have to have anything to do with the thing you are afraid of. Just like, in a previous tool, you can pick up some garbage to help free yourself of a lust attack. I think the point is to get yourself to focus on a healthy attitude, which is to be loving, rather than on fear which is unhealthy. And, we can't heal a sick mind with a sick mind. Therefore, we have to take some sort of action--do a kindness for someone, rather than just have some positive thoughts about someone we care about (or, should care about).

--Elyah

129. Listen to the Joe and Charlie AA workshop.

They go through the Big Book and really spell out what it means to work the steps.

This is availalbe as a free download from Silkworth.net. This site has a lot of other great resources, too. I highly recommend the Sandy B. recordings, and also the Audio Big Book.

The Joe and Charlie recordings are also availalbe from another site, XA-SPEAKERS.ORG, which has a lot of resources from a variety of recovery programs.

--Elyah

130. Keep a diary.

Write something every day.

Why is this in the section of improving your relationship with G-d? I don't really know, but I could guess. One reason is because, you can view your diary as private writing that nobody else knows about--just you and G-d. Also, you can sometimes write direct entries, "Dear G-d."

But there's another aspect, I think. The 12-steps is alot about finding your Higher Power and letting Him into your life. I spent a long time seeing the program as sort of a self-improvement program. I didn't understand what G-d has to do with it. But, now I see that, as I straighten myself out, as I start to shed some of my character defects, G-d automatically starts to come in. So, with a journal, it's a good way to clear out the crazy thoughts that are bouncing around in our heads. And, by writing every day, we keep these thoughts in check. By having to write something every day, we manage to dig a little deeper, and find these thoughts which we might not have noticed were there, and to evict them. Then, there's more room for G-d to come in.

On the forum, keeping up your thread--and posting every day, is a very good thing for recovery.

Two sayings (which I think are AA slogans) that I think are relevant here:
I don't need more of G-d in my life; I need less of ME!
If G-d seems far away--who moved?

--Elyah

Elyah, did I ever mention that this thread ROCKS?
THE Tee Zee

TehillimZugger wrote on 20 Apr 2012 02:23:


Thanks.

131. Read spiritual literature.

As religious Jews, we have no shortage of spiritual literature.

I have a few words to say about learning Torah, as spiritual literature, with regards to recovery. One rule of thumb I learned is--Torah is supposed to be positive (so is recovery). If you are learning something such as mussar and it is dragging you down, you're not learning it right and, learned as such, it will do more damage than good.

Also, in the course of my recovery I have read very uplifting ideas (often from Chassidic works), and there was a danger in that, too--flying too high in the clouds. Sobriety is being stable and calm.

Also, I often come across Torah ideas and think, "This is so great! THIS will help me and I don't need SA anymore!" However, I have to remember that the only reason I have been able to extract such a healthy and practical message out of this, and to successfullly put it into practice, is BECAUSE of the recovery work I have done. It is not a substitute, but it is a great supplement--and I have to remember that.

As I have read once in a Chassidic Sefer (Derech HaMelech, from the author of Chovos HaTalmidim), but very much in my own words--the sign that you have really internalized an idea is that you will start to see hints of that same idea showing up in everything you learn and everything you do.

I have often referred to B'nei Machshava Tova on this forum (from the same author), which strikes me through-and-through as having an uncanny resemblance to the most useful ideas I have learned about in recovery. There is even a very detailed section about making sure to have a close friend and sharing with him your feelings about whatever is happening to you in life, both positive and negative.

People seem to have a lot of success with Breslav writings, and I have also found them helpful. But then, I have found it's really easy to get too carried away with these, so I have to be very careful.

Also, I have found the writings from Rebbi Tzaddok to be very uplifting and encouraging (I learned about them from Battleworn, who was one of the key members of this form a few years ago).

--Elyah

Here's another summary (new feature, section heading is also a URL!):

Enlarge one's spiritual life
127. Attend a religious service at least once a week
128. Move from fear to love
129. Listen to the Joe and Charlie AA workshop.
130. Keep a diary
131. Read spiritual literature

--Elyah

IMPROVE RELATIONS WITH OTHERS

Forgiveness and Amends
132. Forgive them all (step 8.5)

This step is especially difficult to do for people who have hurt us.

In order to truly forgive, we first need to take a good honest look at out character defects (and this often requires a frank discussion with another person who has made a good start on the road to recovery and is in a healthy place). For example, if I wasn't so dependant, it wouldn't have bothered me that my parents, or wife, or rav let me down. If I wasn't so approval-seeking, it wouldn't have bothered me so much that certain peers or relatives don't accept me. You can appreciate that, I hope.

In most cases, you'll see that it is really WE who hurt ourselves.

Everyone says, "Well, Mr. Ploney--he REALLY WAS an evil person bent on ruining me for the sole pleasure of bringing about destruction and pain in the world!"

First, I'll say, start with the other 99% of the people that you can forgive without conducting a philosophical debate.

Second, I'll say that still, your own character defects played a part in Mr. Ploney having affected you this much. You probably can imagine a different person who, had he been Mr. Ploney's victim, would not have been bothered by it, or at least not to the same extent.

Also, even if Mr. Ploney had committed an evil crime against you, he only hurt you at the time of this incident. We, when we re-play these incidents in our minds, we harm ourselves over and over again--each time we play it back.

Yes, if legal action is called for, amends does not mean for you to forego your legal rights. Also, if the person truly is dangerous, amends does not call for stupidly walking right back into their clutches. Due precautions are in order. But, let go of the past as best as you can. Get it out of your head and move on with life. Ask G-d to help you do this.

In short, making amends is not step 9 for nothing; it takes a bit of work, and a bit of time, and a lot of maturity, to get to it properly. And, it is usually unwise (and even harmful) to make this step without qualified adult supervision.

But, every person you can forget means there's a little less pain that we need to carry around with us. And, the less pain we have, the less pain-killer we feel compelled to take.

While I'm on the topic, I will also add that we NEVER go and make direct ammends to the old girlfriends, mistresses, prostitutes, etc.--obviously, but I thought I would make it clear, just in case.

--Elyah