Our sobriety is not about a streak. It's not about how long you can hold our breath underwater until we finally drown or come up. It's about changing the way we do things to be free of our personal prison.When I'm lusting, even if I didn't technically 'fall' I don't consider myself free, but the flip side is when I'm working recovery and doing well - even if I had a bad day in the middle - I am far more free than I was when I had an impressive 'clean' day count.

of course it is disappointing to break a streak and that disappointment is some thing important to recognize and share. However, once you have validated your feelings I believe that the following would be helpful. 

The count and streak of clean days are a tool to use to help break our bad behavior and thought patterns.  However as has been recently been noted, they are not a measure of where you are holding.  

when I think of my relationship with hashem,   I really only use one factor.  Am I going towards hashem or am I going away from him. Or as i sometimes will say am I going up the ladder or am I going down.  If I am going In the right direction it does not matter whete on the ladder I am. Someone who is on the top rung but headed down is in effect much further away than someone who is on the bottom rung but headed up. 

of course there will be hiccups along the way but if your general direction is truly positive you are consistently moving towards hashem and you should be able to sit down with confidence and celebrate your personal yetzias mitzrayim. The fact that you had one fall just shows that it is a struggle and helps to accentuate how meaningful all of your successes are.

If more of my thoughts and actions (compared to previously) are dedicated to doing the will of hashem then I am going towards hashem.  If not, then I am going away from hashem. 

Yaacov543 wrote on 06 Jan 2017 04:04:

This website has HUNDREDS of shiurim on this subject.
Rav Ben Zion Shafier has a 12-part one called The Fight.
Start with those...they are awesome and very helpful.

theyetzer wrote on 02 Aug 2016 14:00:


From my own experience and from reading the forums for the past year, I think there are a few paths where guys like us find the motivation to stop.

The emotional path can be triggered in a traumatic way by hitting bottom. The realization that life has become unmanageable.

This is a painful experience, and if your level of acting out relative to your tolerance creates a level of manageability (denial certainly helps ) then you could end up like me, taking the long slow road that takes years to reach the tipping point of unmanageability. Much damage can be done to your family along the way, and it's not pretty.

Getting caught sometimes has a similar effect but not always.

There's another possibility. Instead of thinking about how to stop, try thinking about what's driving the habit. What is going on in your head that makes this habit so hard to break.

If your lifestyle includes a strong focus on your commitment to Hashem and to your wife, why would you persist in engaging in an activity that is a betrayal of both of those values?

Initially it may seem like it's nothing more than a natural response to a biological drive, but if it was nothing else, wouldn't your values overrule the drive? Your values are important enough to you that they induce you to make other sacrifices.

Aah, but this sacrifice is the hardest, much harder than fasting Yom Kippur.

So maybe there's some other cause, and maybe that other cause can be dealt with head-on, rather than just fighting the symptom.

back to the normal reporting....



This evening I was really stressed, there was lots going on and all the issues were at dead ends, stuff was piling up.

A couple of months ago, I would've turned to lust. It would've got my mind off everything and made me feel better whilst I was chasing whatever it is I chased. I would feel like I was accomplishing something and at least I was getting there with something.

B"H I didn't tonight, for a second I thought, in the past, I would've gone after lust now but I'm not gonna do that, so what do I do instead? How do I distract myself from the stress and despair buliding up inside of me? what's the alternative?

But then I sat back, took a few deep breaths and said, 'H'shm, help me through this, I know you'll make it right when it's time', and then I felt a lot better.

I'm seeing that stress also leads to lust as a way out for me, and I've gotta remember that I have H'shm with me for that too, otherwise the lust will creep in through the back door before I know it... 

The Chofetz Chayim discusses a ba'al lashon hora and someone who speaks lashon hora.  A ba'al lashon hora is someone who never tries to control himself.  The gemara says his aveira is equivalent to a"z, giluy arayos, and shefichus damim.  However, if he controls himself sometimes, then he is not begeder a ba'al lashon hora.

I was thinking that everyone here can say they are not a ba'al ta'ava.  We may have ta'avos, but as long as we control them at least sometimes, we have already gained something precious.

I saw a great quote recently.

"Don't tell Hashem how big your problems are.  Tell your problems how big Hashem is."

Simple but powerfull, or is it powerless. oh whatever.