Regarding your eyes needing video.
This is a big topic.

It's about the need to escape into the digital void.
We addicts have a need to escape.
For many of us, we have channeled that need to the endless escapist world of video.

I think we need to learn to live without escaping.

"eslaasos" post=266570 date=1445445872 catid=17
Skep, one of the moderators, gave me a new understanding of addiction.

It's not about lust, per se.

It's escapism.

Lust is only one of the manifestations.

I may not be lusting, but I'm still obsessing, still escaping. 3 years ago it was lust, last year it was something healthier, today maybe it's GYE. As long as I'm still escaping, I will always need to be vigilant because it's the escapism that will drive the lack of control that turns the first "drink" into a free-fall.

What are we running away from? Some people know of traumatic experiences they went though. Some don't.

We can retrain our behavior patterns;  accepting instead of escaping.

Moshe271 wrote:


My own personal experience is that over time as you get to know people, they change from being golden pedestals of fantasy into regular human beings.

I have someone in my office for 8 years.
I no longer see her as an object of lust.

She is a person with issues, a family, strengths and weaknesses just like everyone else.

It's just a mindset you can have as a goal when engaged in necessary interactions.

I like the name of this category, "what works for me, because there is an opportunity to write about true experiences that already was, without the great unknown future being a factor.

having said that i want to tell the oilam, what i have learnt and what i feel about movies ie. watching for entertainment any kind of show which involves acting. ( i mean to exclude nature and science shows- to some extent.

absolute poison. clouds the mind. pumps the imaginations. wastes time. destroys true emotions. kindles lust (oh so gently), makes the fantasy real, makes real fantasy.

makes you oiver a whole bunch of issurim, which does tend to push away siatta dishmaya which we need so desparately.

how on earth are you supposed to concentrate on any good thing, let alone a tosafos or a shmona esrei, with "stuff" flying through your mind.

i know we need outlets, but there gotta be things that are exactly that, outlets, not inlets, healthy stuff, and the way to tell is by seeing if they disturb you when you are trying to focus on doing important things.

i haven't seen youtube for a month and i feel a different person.
can you relate?

Moshe271 wrote:

A Rebbe told me once with regard to lust - you can't control what comes into your head, what happens next is up to you.

I don't have a lot to offer for your specific question because what works best for me is the ounce of prevention rather than the pound of cure.

My issue is escapism, not lust per se, so I need to head off the beast by fighting it while it's still at the stage of escape before it turns into straight lust.

To accomplish that, I need to remember how important it is to me not to start slipping.

I do that by browsing these forums. By keeping it in the forefront of my mind, it trains me so the knee jerk reaction to the escape urge is aversion.

Every second I entertain the idea of escape makes it exponentially harder to regain that lost ground.

I also attend one of the phone conferences which is actively working on changing my mindset so I don't need to escape as much.

There are times when I am in a close range firefight to escape. When that happens, this is what works for me.

1. I setup my daily schedule to have no down time. If I'm lucky enough that the timing is right, when the mood hits I might have a shiur/chavrusa or some other activity that is already habitual that will get me out of myself.

2. Reaching out to GYE buddies, poor guys.

3. Music! I have a large collection of favorites, and have found music to be a great mood changer. Only Jewish music, the other stuff would work against me as it has hashpo'os of tumah and makes me despise myself. Some of the Jewish singers have the same nauseating effect as non-Jewish singers - just saying.

4. Lastly, let's say it's Shabbos, no music, no chatting with friends online, no shiur or chavrusa scheduled, I play through an imaginary conversation in my mind. (This would be more embarrassing if it wasn't anonymous). I talk through the situation exactly the way I would if I was sharing it with a friend. Sometimes I even imagine the response!

Years ago, when I was very close to the mashgiach in yeshiva, I often held imaginary conversations with him. I knew him well enough that I felt I could predict his response.

Hope this helps. In my experience, even the close range strategies work best if you invest time in them before they're put to the test.

There are techniques which are common in what's called CBT or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

It basically is the idea that our patterns of thought affect our moods and our being. And if we can change those patterns then we can have a positive impact on our well-being.

When being engaged in this struggle it's important to remain optimistic. Being optimistic will give you greater energy, help you avoid falling, and if you do fall it will help you to pick yourself up and keep going.

Don't fall into the thinking trap of the three P's:

Permanence:
Pessimistic people think that their failure is permanent. This demotivates them and prevents them from continuing the struggle.

Optimistic people recognise that while they may have failed now, with hard work and diligence they can beat it. It is not a "permanent" failing and they can succeed. This energizes them to keep up the fight and eventually succeed.

Pervasiveness:
Pessimistic people assume that failure in this one area of their life means they are a failure in life as a whole. This demotivates them and prevents them from continuing the struggle.

It also prevents them from participating fully in all other aspects of their life, which reduces their overall well-being, which then in turn makes it even harder to succeed in this struggle.

Personalization:
Pessimists blame themselves for every time they fail.

Optimists apportion blame on causes outside of themselves. Optimists are therefore generally more confident.

Optimists also quickly internalize positive events while pessimists externalize them.

Applied to this struggle:

• Permanence - The struggle isn't permanent. There are a number of people on this site who have had great struggles but have succeeded. With effort you will succeed.
• Pervasiveness - Just because you struggle in this area it does not mean you are a bad Jew in everything that you do. This is a particularly strong perception in the Jewish community. Yes many of us struggle with this. But we can still be successful in other aspects of our lives.
• Personalization - Don't blame this all on yourself. Yes we must accept responsibility for our actions, however also recognise that this is one of the greatest challenges of our generations. No other generation that has ever lived has ever had to live under such constant bombardment of sensual imagery and with such ease of access. We live in a very difficult environment.