This is just going to be a running list of items that I wri al te down which help me. If you have suggestions by all means please share. 

1)  Getting a good night sleep (in bed before 12 am). This helps me not only because I sleep enough and am in general happier, but because those hours, after others are asleep are dangerous acting out temptations for me.

2) Meeting/speaking with other addicts

3) Reading one tool a day of the GYE handbook. and spending ten minutes reading the white book. 

4) Praying to be able to fulfill the steps. So far in working on Step 1, I have listed a few of the things that I do that show I am not in control, i.e. my life is unmanageable when I act out on lust. - Praying to Hashem to help me see more and list more clear indicators is helpful. 

5) Seeing God as my best friend.. I have trouble with this. But need to develop this understanding that God does and wants to help me. 

6) Cumulative goals amongst a group. 

7) reading SA

8) I am not a big mussar advocate (with regard to addiction that is) but this thought really lifted my spirits. What a person can see in a day in these times is more pritzus than their great grandparents could maybe see in 70 years. It follows then that a second of guarding your eyes in THIS generation is more than the shmiras ainayim of the people in the earlier generations. 

9) Surrender- Learning that surrender does not mean I give up the fight. It means, I am not able to win this fight, I can not fight- I MUST ASK FOR HELP!- I must reach out and ask for help when I need it by contacting someone and getting the craziness out of my head. 

Thanks
 

OTR wrote on 19 Feb 2016 13:31:

Fast forward to 2022. Some things on this list completely reversed for me over time. And some stayed teh same. As re using mussar at some point I discovered taht chizuk really worked for me. So when I say musssar was not an approach I really mean the fear of punishment focus of mussar. Chizuk n trusting God was one of the most impactful tools to help me. Also connecting with others mainly my wife has been a help. 

In some ways I came to terms with the fact that I masturbate. Sometimes more sometimes less. I am always trying to strengthen myself by making myself happier the right way so i don't feel the need to make myself happier the wrong way. I do very little 'fighting'. the second I am challenged in a fight and have to resort to fear of punishment or negative guilt association I quickly fold. I honestly think I need some anti anxiety medication to help me. If I am not dealing well with depression and stress, and medicine can help me get out of that rut it is one less thing pushing me to act out. I have been doing online SA meetings somewhat regularly. I try to get on once a week. A lot more to write but I have to go now. 

very nice post !
the paragraph 8) is a vort what some gedoilim said in our generation  an its also in the satmer rabbi zl seifer 
thanks 

moishe347 wrote on 20 Jul 2022 20:48:

אהוביי אחיי, תאמינו לי, והוא מלא בכל הספרים אשר מה שהיו צריכים הצדיקים הראשונים להשיג בכמה ימים וחדשים, אפשר כעת לתקן בשעה אחת. [בית אהרן פסח]

כי מעשה קטן מאד בדור הזה שקול ככמה מצות גדולות שבדורות אחרים, [האריז”ל[b]][/b].

כיום בדורותינו הֹכּה אֵַפִלים, אף עם כל מיעוט גדולתנו, בן ישיבה כיום המתייגע היטב על תורתם של הגדולים אשר מדורות שלפנים ולפני פנים, ועם כל יגיעתו ועדיין אינו עומד על דבריו של אותו הגדול, אבל סוף כל סוף יתכן והנהו יותר גדול מן אותו הגדול עצמו. באמת כי אין ספק בזה, אלא שאי אפשר לדבר על זה כל כך; מן הדברים האלה עלולים עוד להתהוות בעלי גאוה. אולם הלא ודאי כן הוא הדבר. בחושך נורא כזה אשר לא יודעים אנחנו מה שאנחה אחת בדורנו אנו יכולה לפעול למעלה ראש. כיום הנה בני ישיבה ודאי יתכן כי הם גדולים יותר מאלה הגדולים אשר מדור שלפנים. [דעת תורה, פרשת שלח עמ‘ קמז‘]

Time for my check in. So this is gonna sound crazy to a lot of guys but it works for me and that's the point of this thread. I started using weed when it became legal (somehwere back about 2-3 years ago.) It has made a tremendous difference in taking the edge off of my desire for porn. They are studying the uses of marijuana now in treatment for depression. I wish those studies were already completed and there was a formulated medical regimen to help people with it instead of me winging it as I am doing but the bottom line is my life is now miles ahead of where it was so I'll keep on going with what I am doing. 

I've spoken extensively with my doctor and wife about using it as well as a few friends. I am also working toward identifying a Rav I can speak with. The reason why I want to speak with a Rav is because, although I see the benefits and how the presence of mind which weed gave me has helped me, I feel uncomfortable that this is not completely sanctioned by Daas Torah. 

Since I started using weed though, I make less nedairim. I am more focused and motivated overall in life. My sedarim and davening are more kavuah. My relationships with family have become more simplified and improved. Somehow that gaping hole inside me that I always want to fill with porn, is filled with a feeling of internal calm and Being at home with myself. Seeking to understand myself and being at peace with myself.

I am less obsessed with oral sex, which has clearly clouded and intruded on my life in ways I am not at all happy with...

After using weed for a while I went to my doctor and asked for some anti anxiety meds. He gave me something. But it doesnt do the same thing for me. Some of the most pivotal decisions I have made to change my life though have come while using weed. I guess it is the emotional experience of being able to feel the feelings I want to feel and associate them with the postive goals I have in life that has helped me. I tend to life ot do things like daven, learn mussar or just self reflection while I am on it. 

Has anyone else found or used marijuana in this way?  

Here are some thoughts on my mind right now. I have never really validated myself as an addict. Sure I know I am an addict. But I never forgave myself for it. Somewhere deep inside I looked down on myself for it.

It was like I thought- ME!? No. Making me an addict was Hashem's mistake. I am here to correct it and I am here because I an destined for much better things.

But the reality is, I'm not destined for anything. I am just here to try to make it for me and my family. And if I accomplish being sober it's the feet of my lifetime. 

 Hashem I need your help. I have failed so many times. I can only succeed if I believe in you to help me. I want to think about the fact that Hashem is the one good who unites us all. 

I had a work experience where I realized a work chaver was struggling. I never reached out of said anything. I should have. He is a guy much younger than me. It feels king of awkward. But overcoming that awkwardness may be what I need to do. For me. Not for anyone else. 

I'm back on GYE because I am lonely. I spent a long time away. At the end of the day all I worked on were my family relationships. And those are the only ones I really want to work on. BUt at this point I feel like I have to speak to more people. INcidentally, my relationships with my kids have improved in a lot of ways. 

Speaking of, my youngest just asked me for help so I need to go.  

Loneliness is something I know about, even when surrounded by well-meaning, chattering people.

I think that people with a rich internal landscape often feel the most lonely. So much you can’t or don’t share…. 

GYE is a good, safe place. There’s hope here. There are friends who understand. It’s a relief to be able to unburden yourself, too. Hope lives here. Glad you’re back. 

Hazlacha, 
Chaim 

Welcome back fellow Monstuh Trucker!

Lol. I invited a few peole to go with me to Monster Jam but didnt gt any takers. Still dying to go to that. 

Good point regarding not being able to share the internal landscape. I've been driven by that desire for a long time. Almost incessantly. But I came to realize that it's unattainable to fully connect in that way. Instead i look at this rich internal landscape as a gift from Hashem for me alone. Even if it isn't the perceived pleasure of 'connecting' with someone else. It's a pleasure I can enjoy in my own mind and heart. It's my life experience. 

Really speaking, Monster Jam should be the official GYE annual event.

So, I went to my dad's kever yesterday. I happen by their every now and then and I realized I really should get it in my routine to go like monthly or something. It was pretty powerful. I spoke to my father (you know the issues), and did some davening. I Told my wife about it and asked if she would come with me some time. I never really introduced my wife to my father. I feel like weird that to me it's pretty natural to go and talk to him. 

Today I took some time off in middle of the day. I am changing my schedule considerably. I took a new job recently, something I hope will turn into a more significant form of income. I need to learn to make time for myself to write. Either here or privately. I think it helps me sort myself out sometimes to put things in writing. It also takes time and kevius. 

I guess that is my quick checkin for the day. We have someone very sick in the family so that is weighing on our home too. BUt beh it will be good. 

I installed a filter on my phone and doing my tablet tonight beh. Of course somehow my mom left her unfiltered phone. BUt I'll have to figure something out. 
Ciao

Refuah shleima for the family member.  And i hope you are proud of your accomplishments...

Things have been ok recently. I had a blow out today at work. It winds up that my afternoon is cancelled and here I am in my house wth some time on my hands. This is when typically I will wind up messing up. The best way for me to deal with this is not to go into my room or places where I have privacy with a computer at all.A little frustrated at myself somewhat concerned regarding how I handled the situation. I could have done better. Hopefully next time.