Hello everyone, 
I will IYH be reaching 1 year clean in a few days BH! And I wanted to share some thoughts and ideas with you guys, hopefully it will help someone.

My Life before GYE- As most people here can relate, until we reached GYE it was a constant struggle, for me personally, since i can remember, i was always sexually active or aroused before i knew what it meant...... of course as i grow into my teens it was horrible and overwhelming me i didnt have a night or day, this was all that mattered, I had no tools or guidance, didn't have a clue what this all means. Got into lots of trouble because of this, messed myself up badly. Getting married didnt help as around that time smartphone came out and I always had the latest, (this was before filters existed). Anyway, i was a mess without any inkling how to get out. 
Finding GYE- Then by Hashems grace i found GYE online and i got hooked, for th first time someone understands me and there are others that struggle like me, there is a way out? I started getting the daily emails it helped a bit, but nothing drastically changed. Falling, depression, getting back  up, anxiety, failing, we all know the circle.
Flight to Freedom- I think the first change happened when i started working thru the F2F program here on GYE, it was the first time i was able to understand what happens in my brain and how addiction work, It was amazing, I felt free! The addictions are not me! I started posting more and more and to connect to the people around here, I felt like I have things to share with others that might help, I hope that it did and it does. Posting helped me as well, because you are able to get rid of a lot of the loneliness and guilt when you know you have others looking out and caring, plus I didnt want to let anyone that was inspired by one of my post, down.

Present- right now my brain is already hardwired that I dont need to Masturbate. Period. Pintle. Thats it. Never. 
Im also hardwired to not think or dream about Porn anymore, for me Porn was always just a numbing agent so that I can masturbate without feeling guilty (for that min), So once I removed the idea that I must M, i didnt want to watch P. 
I Know now that It is possible to become a changed person and start living without addictions. Of course im not done as ill explain, but the concept is already crystal clear to me.

Struggles-
One issue- that arose once i stopped watching P is that things that would never arouse me in the past, arouse me now. For example, average looking guys or women that I wouldn't give a second thought, now are a problem.  A funny thing was that when i was watching, usually if i didnt rush to get it over with but rather was able to wait a minute or two, I actually calmed down! I got turned off somewhat..... Because the things on the screen were never a match to the fantasies in my head. Im not saying this as a heter to watch CV, but for me its true. I was much less under the spell because I saw the truth. I tested this theory a few times and its 100% true with me. But there is no way i think that its allowed.

The reason is simple enough, since the brain needs the dopamine and the other drugs and chemicals that make it feel good and im not giving it anything on the screen, it tries to find it in the real world even when it demonstrably false! It still needs the fix! 
Reason 2 is i suffer from anxiety and this is now another anxiety i have "Maybe ill be attracted to that person and it will lead me to fall or to have a bad thought" and my sane part says " What? no way! That object is not even attractive!" But the more i fight it, the more it comes back and eventually my brain wants that fix and gets it somewhat by imagining something that gets me semi excited. 

Another issue- Since my anxious brain used sex and a pacifier, you remove the pacifier what happens? The baby starts to scream..... and thats exactly what happened. My brain got terrible my emotions were out of whack and i felt worse then i did in a long time, which led  me to be upset with Hashem, I was sure that the better I behaved the better my life will be, and it didn't look any better but much worse! So whats going on? I was so angry at Hashem for not listening to me after all im asking because I want to  be a better yid and im only struggling because I want to be erlich,

I ended up going back to therapy where were working on letting go of control in any shape or form.  I cant use prayer as a control either, I can ask Hashem for help but im not in control, He has grander plans than I can imagine. This should also help with my fear of maybe seeing something improper, its not in my control what i see, I know that I don't have to think about it any further and nothing will happen.

Future- I am working on the following things
1. Letting go of control Hashem is fully in control of everything, He allows us to think we are so as to make us grow. I can ask for things but I need to understand that He knows better and  best what good for me, and that He loves me unconditionally. 
2. I want to work thru the GYE+ stuff, they have some very good things there that would elp everyone here.
3. I would like to connect face to face with some of the members here, i think its time to put faces to names. 
4. Post on this diary every few days to keep everyone and myself up to date......
5. I want to explain exactly what specific things worked and work for me. 

Thank you Hashem for giving us GYE!

chancy wrote on 31 May 2023 17:37:

Mazal tov on this great accomplishment and tremendous milestone! 

You have lots to offer to and much to gain from GYE. Looking forward to sharing more of your journey together! 

Have you considered managing your anxiety if your anxiety is that high and that out of control perhaps it is time to take your life back and get that anxiety under control or it will probably continue to build on itself, believe me when I say you don’t want it build to the point where you have a manic anxiety attack that lasts 4 days, treat it now before you get there

One of the most important changes that can happen to us is to realize that we don't need to act out! The addictive part of our brains keep telling us that we need to act out and look at this and do that and feel this, otherwise we will be in pain or die or we will give in anyway.... All of these things are a lie obviously.  However, we cant see it as long as we are not clean for a while, in the beginning its extremal hard for some of us becuase we feel the burn day and night and we have no idea if it will ever stop or what will happen to us. Once enough time passes and we didn't give in, the addiction starts to decrease, this is a fact.  
What Gave me the biggest push forward is practicing something called "Diffusion" at its core is basically teacing yourself that you are not your thoughts and feelings and you are not controlled by them, even thought you feel aroused by something or other, you are still able to step back and realize that their is a big part of you that DOES NOT want that, and the aroused part is only one part of your whole makeup, you also have a heart and a soul and big parts of your brain that have tons of reasons not to go ahead. 
Once you can learn how to do that effectively, your thoughts don't have the pull anymore, even if  you see something really arousing or a very exciting thought popped into your head, you can step back and acknowledge that thought and tell yourself the following:
"I See the thought and i feel the pleasure it causing me, I know that I will get lots of pleasure if i keep doing or looking"
"I understand why my brain is used to getting the pleasure and it wants more, its perfectly normal, I appreciate the effort its making.
"On the other hand, I have lots of reasons not to go thru with this, (make a long exhaustive list and to review it frequently) and they are also very valid points that my brain has"
"Now, seeing both options in front of me, I chose to be myself and chose the correct way that works for me, and I am able to do it because I am in charge"

The more I did it, the less of a fight it became since im not fighting anything, Im very calmly talking to both sides of the equation and everyone understands why I chose the good path. Slowly you start to see the desire as an outside force that really doesnt have that much pull over you.

I am so happy for you Chancy. What a beautiful post.

Thank you for the inspiration and guidance that you give us. It means a ton.

Can't wait for your 1 year anniversary, how will you be celebrating???

By Making a Siyum Mesechta IYH!!!
Everyone is invited to drinks in their own house, no need to schlep to mine......

I Hope ive been an inspiration to some guys here. It gives me strength to think of others learning from my mistakes. 

chancy wrote on 06 Jun 2023 19:12:

We will of course! (Break out that Woodford!)

Of course you inspire us Chancy!! If not you, who else?

We don't only learn from your mistakes, we learn from you amazing growth and constant upward direction and your keen insight.

Thank you for sharing your ups and downs with us.

I can't wait to see you in the GYE section in Gan Eden. No doubt you will be seated at the dais.

Today is a tough one.... 
What is bothering me is that I am upset that this desire is still so difficult at times, when i thought itll be easier always......
My Problem isnt p or m so much but rather being excited on the street by any number of things, like i got so sensitive that everyone can be a potential trigger and that makes me very upset. Because its much easier to control everything except walking on the street and going to the mikvah, Why is it still so hard sometimes? I scream and ask Hashem for clarity and guidance. Im hoping Hashem will help me soon.
For now, I just gotta push thru and practice diffusion where i tell myself that this is not me and this isnt what i want and the desires will go away.
My Fellow jews, we are so close to Moshiach i can sometimes feel the joy thats coming very soon. Keep on fighting!

chancy wrote on 12 Jun 2023 17:51:

Why does it need to get you upset? Why is it something that must go away?

Woman are attractive. Men are attracted to them. Fact of life, that's 100% ok. The more you are bothered by it and try to muscle them away, the more it will be there.

Maybe, it's time to accept the fact that the attraction will stay, and the triggers will be around, and focus on your response instead.

Learn to move on without the second (or 6th) look. NOT with the intention of forcing the thought out of your head, but just to move on and live your life.

Remember, the goal isn't to remove the attraction. That will never happen.

Thank you Grant!
I know the attraction will always be there, and I have learned how to move on without delving deeper or continuing the thought. 
However, i have very quick senses and very alert eyes, i see everything its not a good thing...... so when i walk one block, ive seen 4-5 different women that i wanted to look at and some passed too close to me so i smelled some perfume, all without me doing anything to get closer or even look, just on my path to shul and me looking down on the street! I just notice everything, so its very hard for me to keep this up for long stretches' of time.... even when im 100% sure that im not interested right now and totally not looking for any excitement, my brain just gets excited way too quick for me........ i guess ive gotten way too sensitive. 
Ive had this issue for a while now especially since i stopped looking at P or M and watching my eyes on the street, i got too sensitive, and so far i have no solution for this. 
I know for a fact that if i were to watch P it will decrease the sensitivity because it always did so back when i used to use...... but there is no way in hell im going to do that again! I would rather burn my eyes out!!!
So here is little me suffering for my sins
May Hashem have mercy

Maybe have a conversation with yourself about something and the conversation can be the same one for months on end. When you are preoccupied with these very important conversations with yourself you may be less hyper aware of your surroundings