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Loosing battles, but winning the war
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If you've made progress - thank G-d, double your merit by inspiring others as well! Post the tips and advice that worked best for you in your journey to sobriety or tell us about recommendations you heard from others that work.
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TOPIC: Loosing battles, but winning the war 1552 Views

Loosing battles, but winning the war 21 Dec 2009 02:45 #36286

  • DavidT
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I was very broken. The battles were fierce! Some lost, some won. But when I look back I see that I am actually winning the war.

Here is a very brief overview of my war and battles. I hope you will get inspired and join in my winning war!

6 years of addiction to masturbation and… Many many battles (I can write a thick book of what I went thru in that period of time as you can imagine) in those years till… that part of the war was WON! Since then 12 completely clean years with not once doing any of the above!
But the yetzer hora did not give up! Along he came with the internet… bad sites, bad chats… The bad chats are now stopped completely for a few years but the bad sites still come up from time to time. It hurts me beyond imagination when I fall thru but I KNOW this is a winning war and very soon with the help of hashem I will be able to say that this too is a thing of the past and we can focus on doing teshuvah and only good deeds!
Lets work together and win!
I am here to be helped by helping others
ahavayirah@gmail.com
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Re: Loosing battles, but winning the war 21 Dec 2009 13:50 #36360

  • the.guard
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Dear David,

I am the admin of this forum. Welcome to our community! You sound like a great warrior who has already made serious progress on this journey.

You may still be addicted though, to inappropriate viewing... See this article where Rabbi Twerski explains how one can get addicted to this from a single use! Even if someone can go without it for a long time, he is still addicted if specific situations make him feel powerless to resist it in spite of it going against his morals and inner desires. See also this page.

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: Loosing battles, but winning the war 25 Dec 2009 04:00 #37890

  • Kollel Guy
Hey David, welcome aboard! This is a place where jews succeed! Here there is a very special advantage of something called a group. Your not fighting your y"h, and me mine, and the next guy his, we're all together, fighting together, sharing our wisdom, giving each other chizuk, and getting the pleasure of witnessing ourselves and our friends actually win this fight!
I'll admit, the first time I stumbled upon this site, I wasn't sure that it's effect on me would be any different than any mussar sefer I'd ever read, or shmuez I'd ever heard. (Which for me meant, if your lucky - inspirational for a day or two, but inevitably back to same agonizing problem).
What I found was a complete revolution in my life.
I can really go on for a while about how amazing this place is, but I'm bombed. So I'll let you look around the place and see what I mean for yourself, while I get some sleep.
Al kol panim.... Beruchim Ha'baim, I hope you gain from this place at least as much as I do. Hatzlachah!!
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Re: Loosing battles, but winning the war 27 Dec 2009 07:07 #38211

  • silentbattle
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Hi David! Welcome! It's an honor to be in the company of someone like you, who's already done so much work, and succeeded!

And you're also reminding us all that no matter how far we've come, we can't ofrget that the yetzer hora is always there, waiting for us...but GYE is there, too, waiting for HIM! 
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Re: Loosing battles, but winning the war 10 Dec 2019 18:28 #345881

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I'm revisiting a post that I wrote 10 years ago!
It's amazing to be able to track progress and see how much GYE has done to help me and so many others along the way.
May we all continue growing and becoming strong and clean to be able to accomplish that what Hashem wants us to accomplish on this world. 
I am here to be helped by helping others
ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: Loosing battles, but winning the war 10 Dec 2019 18:36 #345882

  • Dave M
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DavidT wrote on 10 Dec 2019 18:28:
I'm revisiting a post that I wrote 10 years ago!
It's amazing to be able to track progress and see how much GYE has done to help me and so many others along the way.
May we all continue growing and becoming strong and clean to be able to accomplish that what Hashem wants us to accomplish on this world. 

Wow!

Re: Loosing battles, but winning the war 10 Dec 2019 18:45 #345883

  • cordnoy
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Dave M wrote on 10 Dec 2019 18:36:

DavidT wrote on 10 Dec 2019 18:28:
I'm revisiting a post that I wrote 10 years ago!
It's amazing to be able to track progress and see how much GYE has done to help me and so many others along the way.
May we all continue growing and becoming strong and clean to be able to accomplish that what Hashem wants us to accomplish on this world. 

Wow!

I second that!
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Loosing battles, but winning the war 12 Dec 2019 20:35 #345924

  • DavidT
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The “man” with whom Jacob battled was actually the angel of his brother Esau. The Zohar describes Jacob’s battle with the angel as an symbolic of man’s struggle with his darker side. The entire night the battle remained even, as Jacob held strong.

As morning was approaching, the angel knew that he had to act fast, for soon the night—the time when he has power—would be gone, and he would be powerless. He therefore struck Jacob’s thigh, the Zohar explains, which is the place from which all sexual desire extends. And there, he was able to wound him.

The Zohar teaches us that in every struggle we are powerful, and can overcome our evil urges if we so desire. There is only one place where the lust is so strong that even great men are powerless—the gid hanasheh. Its very name means “to forget,”2 because once it has been aroused, all rational thinking and religious scruples are left far behind.

The only way to win that war is to stay far away in the first place, for once the first flirt his been thrown out, there is no knowing where things can lead. For this reason, the gid is not eaten at all but utterly avoided
I am here to be helped by helping others
ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: Loosing battles, but winning the war 15 Dec 2019 18:30 #345966

  • DavidT
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In this parsha, Yosef was trying to convey concepts to the wife of Potiphar, that would perhaps motivate her to cease her attempts at seducing him. Yosef was acutely aware that winning a battle does not necessarily mean that one has won the war, and that so long as she may continue her seduction attempts he would remain in great danger irrespective of his original, flat-out refusal.

Removing oneself, if possible, from the source of temptation is as important as the initial, absolute refusal. Therefore, he made an attempt at convincing her of the impropriety of her desire so that she may stop from attempting to fulfill it. Indeed, the pesukim that follow state how she tried to seduce Yosef day after day, and how by that point there was no discussion between them whatsoever, just continued, flat-out refusal on Yosef's part; because at that point there was no longer any point in trying to convince her of the evil of her desire, it wouldn't help. At that point, engaging her in any form of conversation could only cause problems.

And when that fateful day came when she found herself alone with Yosef in the house and she grabbed his shirt and said, "Lie with me," he did nothing other than slip himself loose of his shirt, leaving it in her hands, and ran out of the house straight into the marketplace (Gen. 39:11-12). Once again: immediate, complete, and utter refusal.

This fundamental principle has applications in so many aspects of life. Whether one feels one's anger flaring, an urge to indulge in the forbidden, or an impulse to do the unwise, this tool stands ever ready by one's side to serve as the weapon for immediate and complete victory.

I am here to be helped by helping others
ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: Loosing battles, but winning the war 16 Dec 2019 21:22 #346007

  • DavidT
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 Hashem Gives Us Strength To Survive Nisyonos The story is told of a Chosid who was visiting his Rebbe when he got the terrible news through a telegram that all his merchandise was on a boat that sunk in the Atlantic Ocean. The man was now penniless. After absorbing his situation, suddenly the Chosid turned white and fainted. When he was finally revived, his Rebbe told him, you have nothing to worry about; it was the wrong ship and a different owner. How do you know he asked, Trust me it’s not your merchandise. Three days later the shipping company apologized for sending the telegraph to the wrong recipient. The happy Chosid ran to the Rebbe with the joyful news, “but tell me,” asked the Chosid, “how did the Rebbe know?” He said “I saw your dreadful reaction, I knew this nisoyon this test was not made custom for your, it was way over your head."

Good Friends As A Source Of Chizuk 
Yaakov begs Hashem Hatzilainee Na M’Yad Achi M’Yad Eisav, please save me from my brother from Eisav, Wasn’t Eisav a brother? These are two distinct categories. Eisav is an evil man and it is clear to virtually anyone to stay far away from him, but what about a wicked person who acts like a brother, such a relationship can be so detrimental. A good friend will hold you up when you are down and will help you reach your goals, and will correct you when it’s needed. We cannot always rely on our own judgment for so many decisions, as we go through the journey we call life. It is truly a blessing to have a few good friends;
I am here to be helped by helping others
ahavayirah@gmail.com
Last Edit: 16 Dec 2019 21:22 by DavidT.

Re: Loosing battles, but winning the war 16 Dec 2019 21:54 #346008

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DavidT wrote on 16 Dec 2019 21:22:
 Hashem Gives Us Strength To Survive Nisyonos The story is told of a Chosid who was visiting his Rebbe when he got the terrible news through a telegram that all his merchandise was on a boat that sunk in the Atlantic Ocean. The man was now penniless. After absorbing his situation, suddenly the Chosid turned white and fainted. When he was finally revived, his Rebbe told him, you have nothing to worry about; it was the wrong ship and a different owner. How do you know he asked, Trust me it’s not your merchandise. Three days later the shipping company apologized for sending the telegraph to the wrong recipient. The happy Chosid ran to the Rebbe with the joyful news, “but tell me,” asked the Chosid, “how did the Rebbe know?” He said “I saw your dreadful reaction, I knew this nisoyon this test was not made custom for your, it was way over your head."


wow, what a powerful chizuk to deal with our nisyanos! shkoach!
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post
Feel free to email me at
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Re: Loosing battles, but winning the war 24 Dec 2019 20:01 #346204

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We must recognize that life in this world is an ongoing battle, and the enemy is the force of darkness, negativity, and selfishness, called in Hebrew the "yetzer hara."
Our battle assignment is to scale the mountain of lofty thoughts, words, and actions. The yetzer hara's job, assigned by God, is to pull us down into the ravines of depressed thoughts, condemning words, and depraved actions.
The very name "Yisrael" was conferred on our forefather Yaakov by the angel of darkness after a night-long battle. That struggle against evil is the prototype of the life of every Jew. In this world, our choice is not between war and peace, but only between victory and defeat.
I am here to be helped by helping others
ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: Loosing battles, but winning the war 25 Dec 2019 15:12 #346214

  • DavidT
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Every person should announce Joseph's advice in a loud voice:

"I Completely ignore that I have ever sinned!"
(Beis Avraham in Parashat Vayigash)

And another wonderful element - the reason the sin is forbidden, and I have a craving is so that I should be able to get reward, and if the cravings are bigger, it's because we should be able to get an even greater reward.

And by the way, a really comical funny thing to say: "lust is so strong - it's not possible to get over it". The whole purpose that lust was created, and "the present situation" was also custom created for you so that you should be able to fight it and win and get great reward.

I am here to be helped by helping others
ahavayirah@gmail.com
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