I can’t believe I’m writing this.
B’Chasdei HaShem I am now 100 days clean.
Clean from touching my “Ever” for hanaa.
Clean from masterbating
Clean from watching explicit content.
I used to dread saying kriyas shema.
The words “v’lo sasuru,” would send shivers down my spine.
In my heart I didn’t actually believe it was within my capability whether or not to violate these holy words.
And by extension, I wasn’t shayach to “v’hyisem Kedoshim.”
I was an outsider.
I would read Mussar Sefarim describing high madreigos of Kedusha v’Yiraah.
And I would listen to shmuzin from my Rebbium and Roshei HaYeshiva about how Klall Yisrael is a “Mamleches Kohanim v’Goy Kadosh.”
But every night I would hear shiur from a different “Rebbi.”
“Ein l’cha Cheleik b’Elokay Yisrael” is what the porn stars and western society would tell me.
I was just a piece of meat, evermore bound by his base desires.
And so I lived.
Learning, davening, and doing mitzvos.
But I didn’t actually believe I was shayach to a life of Kedusha.
The Rebbium just didn’t understand!
This is 2020, this generation of Jews aren’t shayach to this “Goy Kadosh” that they speak of.
A sad mindset, born not out of rebellion, but of despair.
I had heard of GYE.
I had always assumed it was for crazy addicts, but not for “normal people” like me who struggled with masterbating and watching explicit content from time to time.
When zman ended early before Pesach due to Corona, I knew I had to do something drastic to stay afloat and not drown in the cesspool of pornography.
So I joined GYE.
I met an anonymous chevra of Emesdike Bnei Torah striving to grow in their Avodas HaShem.
I wasn’t alone.
This chevra lifted me up when I was down, and was always there for me no matter what.
There is one particular thing that has played a central role in my Hatzlocha thus far.
One day, HaShem Help Me reached out to me.
We spoke on the phone and he conveyed to me fundamental Yesodos of how to view myself and approach the challenges I was having.
He offered me a deal. If I would be clean for a certain amount of days then he would give me a certain amount of money.
The offer was for 30 clean days.
Now, in my mind, this was way outside of my Nekudas HaBechira! But he persisted and I agreed. I was matzliach Baruch HaShem, and have been ever since.
Every time I struggled he was there for me on the phone, over text, etc.
But what was more meaningful to me was that he was willing to invest in me when I wasn’t willing to invest in myself.
He invested monetarily in a “stock” which I never believed had the capability to grow.
This has been fundamental in my growth thus far, and B’ezras Hashem, shall help further my Hatzlocha henceforth.
Anyone interested in this life altering opportunity can contact HHE directly or PM me for details.
I have no words with which to convey to each and every one of you my Hakoras HaTov.
People ask me “How did you do it? How did you overcome this particular nisayon?”
And the answer is,
I don’t know.
But I do know that it was this chevra here which debunked the lies I had been fed by the entertainment industry.
I am not a slave to lust.
I am the Baal HaBus over my Self.
And it is only because of this chevra here, that I now believe wholeheartedly that I am shayach to a life of Kedusha.
And Now, when I walk into the Beis HaMedrash, I proclaim defiantly in my heart and in my mind “Yesh Lee Cheilek b’Elokay Yisrael.”
Thank You,
YeshivaGuy
