BH  after decades of backsliding despite renewed efforts to not relapse time after time after time , it has been over 3 yrs now that ,one day at a time I have been able to come clean .
     Everywhere one looks we are bombarded mentally, emotionally , physically stimulative with smutt and nivel anyim ( porn). When I was growing up decades ago the tolerance was so much stricter; nowadays regarding modesty and hidden societal agendas it is impossible to  not fear encountering the Satan every and anywhere.  The tragic reality it is ubiquitous, insidious and desensitizing to healthy functioning with a shemiras aniyim lifestyle.
   I apologize for the wordiness, but my heart just cries out from the past ,long ongoing downward spiraling and sins against my neshama and Hashem.
   The thing that has saved me and continues empowering me is being honest about the denial of so many: bad choices of selfishness , appreciation  of my blessings, getting older and  Hashem's delayed payment system.    Teshuva only works WHENEVER we choose to do it if we become proactive against relapse. Shemiras Aniyim and begging for help from Hashem is a synergy for confronting this problem. We know all about addictive behavior and the more we do the more we empower,reinforce and set more stimuli to get the dopamine release that our disease effects ( the ahh feeling ).  So we need more and harder more intense stimuli to achieve a previous satisfaction.
    Long story short, its a choice. We live in denial that Hashem isn't watching, our souls become darker and desenstized to holiness and cannot become illuminated as the forces we create are nutured from our own actions.  There is an accounting and an accountant awaiting us when we MUST leave this world of denial. 
    I hope this will help to instill hope and remove desperation. The way is one hour ,one day , one test at a time....... If you are reading this than Hahsem still loves and hope for you to return and do teshuva. IT IS NOT TOO LATE.  Choose your gift of vision and time wisely.  May you find the the renewed hope and strength to  give away what you will acquire and  know there is always hope.............

One bachur was very disheartened by the aveiros he committed, and he spoke with the Leiv Simchah (of Gur) zt'l about it. The Leiv Simchah told him that according to the Ramban, Yaakov Avinu never found out how Yosef ended up in Mitzrayim. Yaakov never asked Yosef, and Yosef never told him. Because the past isn't important. What was, was What's important is to make the future better.
The Lev Simchah advised this bachur to ignore the past, because what was, was, and the path of teshuvah is NOW, to make the future better.

Rebbe Shalom of Koidenov zt'l said that teshuvah must be with a broken heart (לב נשבר) but not with depression (עצבות). The difference between a broken heart and depression is that when one has a broken heart, he feels broken about his sins and motivated to change. When one is depressed, he is angry at the entire world

DavidT wrote on 21 Jan 2020 16:12:

I saw once (I think here on GYE from Dov) that that is Pshat in the Posuk הרופא לשבורי לב ומחבש לעצבותם