Hi!
I'm new to GYE and I have been struggling for but only a year now, torn between Zera LeVatalah and Not keeping my eyes or mind clean and between trying to be a Ben Torah. Before coming to find about GYE I actually spoke about my problems with others, with a life coach and my Rav in my yeshiva, and yet, with all the ideas I failed, again and again, and the irony is, is that when I started falling bad, as in spilling my seed the first time, was a couple weeks after I started going to the Mikvah every week (for different reasons), even though I started falling since I was 9 when I started thinking about girls, but back then it was on a very low level.
I tried many things, putting on Tzitzit at night, praying hard to God, taking my computer out of my room, nothing worked, and I sleep with a few seforim in front of my eyes, a painting of my great-grandfather staring at me, and a bookshelf of seforim at my feet, nothing works, once when I went to Sefad (in the summer, I live in Israel) I was sleeping with my parents in the same room and I was Motzi Zera LeVatalah.
But it all changed when I saw the site. At the beginning it did not help, but then I saw the 12 steps and the 90 days, and if I have some piece of of advice, I just don't know, but when I internalized steps 1-3 and took on the challenge of 90 days, it disappeared, but don't think I'm not fighting still, I fight all the time, but I now realize the God is it, I feel God taking my hand and walking me through the maze of hell, it feels so good.
Another 3 tips are as following: Going to the Mikvah which can only help, Davening hard and well, take your time, since I started my journey I take my time to Daven and have more Kavanah, it strengthens my connection with God, and third of all is exercise, I started to go running a few days a week in the morning with Alot HaShahar, it is like drugs, it makes me feel so good afterwards and energized and gives me strength to face the day and its challenges.
With what I have to say and wanting to hear what others, more experienced then me have to say, I can say that one's worst enemy if fear and Yeush, giving up, feeling like one failed and can't do it, God does not want anything to do with him anymore, that is how the Yeitser Harah works when he gets desperate, I had a Mikreh Layla a couple nights ago, it is okay, it was not intentional and I had my eyes guarded for days. And BeEzrat HaShem I will be eighteen on Shabbat and I can go and be Chay, to live, without this Shmutz, and also, I started being more aware of my surroundings, picking up litter and throwing it in the garbage, getting out of my shell, and the funny thing is, is that my Yeitser has to fight 2 fights, to get me "back on track sinning" and also to fight me Yeitser Tov from getting me to care about the surroundings.
Shabbat Shalom!
Aish
