Hi Everyone,
My name is Yehoshua and I am a sex addict! Wow, a couple of months ago I would have never had said that. I have been sober off of alcohol and drugs for 14 months and I have worked with my sponsor, completing the 12 steps and experiencing a spiritual awakening. Once I felt the spirit back in my life and I could face life on life's terms and look myself in the mirror and not be completely controlled by fear I went back to shul. I started working with a Rabbi again on my other issues. and its clear that if I want a Jewish life, I am single and a Bal Teshuva, I have some serious work ahead of me. I am a good looking guy, smart, educated , and come from a nice family, I am athletic (6'1 180 lbs, blonde hair blue eyes). I believe in G-D and I am committed to doing the right thing. It seems like I should be so grateful and my life is awesome and people should praise me and wish they were me....But its definitely not true, because having all of that just makes it worse when I don't realize my true potential. and I never will till I let go completely and start relying on G-D, which was the 3rd step of Alcoholics Anonymous, and which is very difficult for me to continue striving towards. You see it might look like everything is so perfect on the outside but on the inside I am a wreck!!! Thank G-D things have started to get better but at my worst I had no friends, was completely isolated, was so insecure, ashamed not of my looks or my natural potential or ability but my choices and actions, my dependence on gross physical selfish pleasures at the expense of other people and myself. I couldn't live with the fact that I was so disconnected and withdrawn. I needed to smoke weed 10 times a day, I needed masturbation, internet porn, strip clubs, dating sites on the internet and girls girls girls over at my house exploiting them sexually!. All this just to survive or so I thought, but in the end it was just killing me, bringing me further and further down to the depths of disparity and hopelessness where I wanted to die. I was afraid of myself and the things I was willing to do sexually just to feel alive and not dead inside. In the end it resorted to fantasies that are complexly against Torah, I had stopped all Mitvahs and was so hopeless. However, throughout these last 14 months I have admitted my powerlessness and started to recover. This sex thing is on a whole different level though. I now realize how low I was and the demise of man is infinitely deep. Its crazy to me that I am counting up my days to 90 on the GYE website while simultaneously counting the OMER!! UP!!! today I am at 35 and the Omer is at 38!!! Ha! Each day I surrender to G-D and ask Him for one more day towards my goal of 90days of no masturbation or internet porn, no physical contact with women, no text, phone calls, getting girls numbers, Facebook and even been working on genuinely guarding my eyes by not taking 2 and 3rd looks. Each day that I am successful especially after almost falling so many times throughout these last 35 days and wanting to let loose and call these girls and have them come over, I know that I am truly fulfilling a holy mission and for that I am thankful! I hope that at the end of the Omer and at 90 days I can truly feel confident that I have worked on myself very hard throughout these last 50 days , trying to purify myself from the 49 level of sexual impurity of Eygpt! I hope Hashem will bless me and all of the holy warriors of this site and of Kal Yisrael to receive the Torah and His presence and know that we are refining ourselves for the purpose to have a relationship with Him and to be worthy of receiving such a beautiful gift(Torah). And after Shavous we continue to grow into Sukkos until we perfect our selves and cling to Hashem and the Third Temple is restored and all of this Darkness is destroyed forever!!!!!!!!!!
Shabbat Shalom
YC
