This is the first time I'm actually attempting to start a log. I didn't start a log when I first joined the forum and attempted 90 days. My habit has always been to start new subjects when I felt I needed help. I would start a subject detailing my problem and have some discussions with whoever posted replies.

I've decided to start my own log, now that I've reached 180 days. I called this log Safe House because that's what I want it to be; GYE has always been my safe house when I was feeling particularly vulnerable. I always found answers here. One of the biggest lessons I have learned throughout my journey has been that I am not ever safe, I always have to have fences up. Even after reaching 180 days, I am very vulnerable and I still have so much work to do. I want to keep a log of my progress and my feelings. I want to jot down my emotions. I think this will help me very much. I can do this in a private setting without anyone being able to read it but I want to benefit anyone who might be able to relate. I will also be happy to hear from anyone who has anything related to say.
I want this to be a Safe House for whoever needs one.

______


Sunday, 12 Shvat

I had a pretty hard time over Shabbos. I was in quite a few circumstances where I came in contact with girls who are religious but don't dress too modestly. They were friendly and I was careful to be friendly back, without going overboard. It was hard to keep my thoughts clean and I wasn't too successful but I tried hard.
I did notice a couple big differences though between this time and the last time I was in a similar situation: I was much more calm. I was able to accept my predicament and not be so upset. I decided that I would do the best under the circumstances and if the results didn't look too pretty, that's ok. This helped so much in my success at curbing undesired results. In addition, my whole way of relating to women has changed for the better. I am so much more cool and able to hold a normal discussion. The female/human ratio has been improving a lot. I can now look at a woman and see the human being in her much more than before. (It is, however, a catch 22, because the cooler I am, the more girls like me, so it gets even harder to remain above the se*ual energy).
But the whole experience was still unnerving enough to cause today to be a kind of hard day. I had some nisyonos and B"H, I did alright. I wouldn't say 100%, but hey, I tried hard and that's what counts. What happened today is past, it's gone. Right Now, everything is perfect and peaceful. I have a full stomach, I am listening to some beautiful music, I am not cold, and I feel fine. What more could I ask for? 

nothing more than beautiful music

Hey KH, congrats on 180!
Thanks for sharing your journey, ill be happy to visit your safe house and share in your struggles. Remember how we started on this together, in the Av Accountability group? Whatever happened to the rest of the guys? Hats off to you for staying the course.
Mottel

I've had a tough start to the day.
I haven't actually m***, but I came pretty close. I did look at some immodest pictures though. That's not too good. It's the first time in over 180 days.
I've been on the edge for the past few days and this morning it just got to be too much and I got pretty close to actually being MZL. I kind of feel like I fell and I kind of feel like I didn't. I put up a big fight and won for a few hours and then I finally looked at some stuff. But who cares? That happened in the past. I am now in the beautiful present and Hashem is helping me in this moment to be holy.
What's incredible, and I am so thankful to Hashem for this, is that even though I had a pretty strong urge to look at real pornography and stuff, I had a very strong urge not to. My sensitivity is partially back and I didn't want to look at such disgusting stuff.
In addition, I am much more clear headed and I am not falling to pieces over the struggle. I remained very calm throughout the process and was able to tell myself that Hashem still loves me even if I sin. The whole experience is so much more mature than in the past.
So did I fall? I don't know and don't care, except that at some point I'll do Teshuva. But I know that Hashem is smiling down at me right now and saying, "I love you son, good job, it's ok that you fell, just try to get up. Come with me, I'll show you real pleasure. I love you so much and I'm sorry about the pain you're growing through". I love you to Hashem! Thanks for everything! Thanks especially for GYE and my safe house!

wow, so I'm writing now after acting out twice today, within the last few hours. Yes, I did act out. I'm not too upset though, I've reached a level where the past doesn't get to me too much anymore, I'm more concerned about planning for the future. I know that I shouldn't worry about the future either, but it's still necessary to plan and from past experiences, I know that after you act out once or twice, it's very hard to pick yourself up again before you've hit a new bottom. So how do I proceed?

My environment is definitely an enticing one and it will be challenging to put up fences. Any fences I put up will probably still have lots of gaping holes in them. I therefore have to accept my current life situation and just do my best.
Why do I want to stop acting out now? Because I just experienced what it feels like to be in that mode of acting out. Lust has been permeating everything I've been doing for the last few hours. It's been on my mind throughout my day and has not allowed me to think things out clearly. It has become my priority and is therefore causing other important things to take a back seat and I don't like that. I have a lot I need to get done. Is it possible to lust a couple times throughout the day and then stop when I need to do other things? Maybe, but I don't think I can do it at this point. Maybe one day I'll build up to that but right now, I can't do it. If I do it once, I want it a million more times. I just need to cut it out of my life. I know Hashem wants what's best for me and he wants me to stop.
I need to make a list of things that I need to do as fences to keep myself from acting out in the next few days. Those are the most precarious right after a fall. After that, I hope I can improve my general environment.

wow this is really a journal for the rest of us too, to see how a relapse is born, sustained, and recovered from.  but to quote haGaon Dov, what are you going to DO to get back into the right frame of mind.  Journaling?  it's nice.  Is it recovery?  Part of it, perhaps.  What are you going to do.

Sorry u lost your time, buddy. But like the edge-man said, journaling's nice but it didn't stop u from falling...so what's the plan of action?

I fell a couple more times today. I really wanted to stop and not do it again but I got hooked on the idea of renting a couple of porn videos and having a great time tonight. And I did. I had a very good time. But right now, I fee pretty depressed.
:-)
That smile is not a sign of madness. It is a sad smile of reflection, remembering all the times I've been through this exact situation. sigh, I have to pick up.
From my own experience and some tips I've been hearing, I know I need to have a plan of action to stop myself from acting out again and to get back on track. I have two possible paths ahead of me. 1) Continue m*** and doing p*** for a few days/weeks/months until I can't stand it anymore and have wasted more hours and life and have become more depressed and crossed more red lines. 2) I can stop right now and take some serious action to make sure I don't repeat these mistakes.
I like the second option more. It will be really nice to look back in 2-3 weeks when I'm back on track and remember this as a short 12 hour period and nothing more. So, how do I go about this?
I already cut the por* dvd's into pieces, so those aren't a threat anymore. But how do I go about making sure I don't fall into another one of the myriad traps surrounding me?
In the past, when I was getting up, I posted a lot on GYE and that helped me to stay sober. I guess I should post every half hour tomorrow, starting from before davening. That should help me to keep focused and get chizuk. In addition, I'll collect all the remote controls to the video machines and put them all together somewhere out of sight so I'll have a Heker about the danger. I'll read some stuff from the handbooks as well.
I think that's it for now.
Real smile now
I hope the worst is behind me!

I woke up with my undies wet, big surprise. Yesterday is behind me and today is a new day. Just like what I did 4 years ago need have no connection to how I will act today, what I did yesterday need have no connection either. It's just like if I had had a wet dream last night (which I probably did), would I get up and say that it's all over, I'm now going to go all out and do P&M? So too today, it's a fresh, new, beautiful day and I can make it even more beautiful to me by just being a beautiful person and doing good deeds.
Action plan for the day: check in with the Safe House every hour, on the hour.
Speak to Hashem sincerely and with a clear mind, for 1 minute, every 2 hours.

You smiled so hard you blew up my firewall!!!  ;D ;D ;D

I feel so bad for you that you fell like that. But you are moving forward and showing us how to MONSTUH TRUCK!!!! (No reverse and no mirrors!)

Hatzlacha!

Gevura!

zrizim makdimim lmitzvos, I'm not waiting for the turn of the hour.

I had a decent davening. I realized while I had my Tefilin on and I was looking in the mirror to make sure they were straight, that I still have those 6 months! I am still on a huge winning streak that started over a year ago. I've had a few downs, some lasting a few weeks or months, but I've been mostly up and those wins are here to stay! I'm continuing on my winning streak, I'm continuing with my beautiful life and what happened at some point yesterday doesn't make a difference. I won't even remember it in a few weeks!

Yeah!

you need to get to a meeting somewhere.  although 12,000 smileys are a good start.  ;-)

Everything is still ok although I am pretty full of pent up energy, which I know from experience can be used for good or bad. I'm pretty busy right now so it's not too hard to stay holy. I'm still working on getting back into the winning streak mind frame. All it takes is the knowledge that I am doing well and in recovery. If I have a negative, down attitude, it's easy to fall b/c I tell myself that I am already down so I might as well enjoy it. But if my attitude is that I am still up, which I am, it is so much easier to just say "yesterday was yesterday and I fell. Today I want to be happy and enjoy life for real".

Try this (some people swear it works):
"What you need to do is when you get that uncontrollable urge is to at first only stay on one site and then eventually one image or movie that you like. this image must be one that really triggers you good. because if not you will search for more.  You must think and ponder why this particular peice of media gets you going. Your next step is to next time use your memory of the image. no computer at all.  You have finally busted the addiction to shmutz on the web.  You have to mekabal on yourself that you don't need sex so much.  If you can whittle down hundreds of images to just one you like you have made great progress."
Sorry, I couldn't resist...
DISCLAIMER: The above "advice" is an example of what NOT to do if you want to permanently stop watching internet porn.
Watching porn makes you wanna watch more porn. The only way to stop watching porn is to...stop. If you can't stay stopped you may be an addict and may benefit from working a 12-step program for beating your particular addiction.
It's nice to keep an upbeat attitude after a fall (although if you learnt today's Tanya, it is sure to bring you down a notch). It is important, though, to realize that our inability to stay stopped is an indication of our failing to properly work the program.
As the Good Book says: "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." Now that's a good quote! See the beginning of chapter five of the Big Book for more.
Hatzlocho,
Mottel

I just read the first step of the 12. I really want to give the 12 steps a serious try which I haven' really done in the past. Truth be told, I am actually quite advanced re. the steps. I have done a lot of what the steps talk about, just not in the exact order and style.

Dov said something important that really got to me. It's not about inspiration, it's about action. One has to be proactive in recovery and it's not enough to just read some nice ideas.
I've been very much into inspiration and much less into action and I think that if I had been more into action, I might have not fallen. Either way, I know that I did very well during these last 6 months and I know that part of my recovery is dealing with situations like now - I feel weak and vulnerable after my fall, I feel like I've already fallen and I'm down. How long will the down last? That is such a big test to pass, it's so much more important than being able to stay clean for long periods of time. So I'm really glad that I'm getting to go through this test now and look at the big picture and realize that I'm doing really well. Astonishingly well, actually.
I'll go and do some exercise now and relax a bit. Then I'll meditate as well.