i actually cant believe that i am dong this, writing anonymously on a forum like this - HELP, that means i am an addict!  acceptance isnt easy - denial is so much more comforting - that twilight world of guilt and angst.

i am a marbitz torah, give regular popular shiurim, a rov of a growing kehilla(!), am married, and a grandfather already, but deep down have always known that my tikkun - my reason for being here in this alma de'shikra is to misgaber over this area. i have acted out for years, and never really tackled this in a systematic manner.  i am BH clean since erev yom kippur, the longest streak for quite a while, and would like to share some thoughts and things that are working for me.  firstly, i can totally testify that 'out of sight, out of mind'- shemiras einayim is THE ONLY WAY forward.  i have BH been very nizhar for these last 25 days, and feel much calmer, and untroubled, quite serene, in fact.  chazal knew what they were talknig about!  Also, the beautiful words of the Rambam sof hilchos issurey biah have new resonance for me - רמב"ם הלכות איסורי ביאה פרק כב הלכה כא

גדולה מכל זאת אמרו יפנה עצמו ומחשבתו לדברי תורה וירחיב דעתו בחכמה שאין מחשבת עריות מתגברת אלא בלב פנוי מן החכמה,  (i once heard that is why chazal use the Loshon Ponuy habo al hapenuyah - ie this came about because they were Penuyim from Chochma!!) i have been able to throw myself into learning with a new sense of purpose BH and feel much better - i hope i can make it to 90 days IYH!

i have also decided not to watch any videos at all - even 'Kosher'ones - Nature, etc.  because i am so susceptible - i am sick - and must go to the other extreme for the moment until i am 'better'  - The Gra in Mishley says a fantasatic Yesod on the pasuk 'Higid leodom ma yoshroy' - the word yoshor is used subjectively - his Yashrus - i need to realise and be in tune with my own nature to realise what may be yoshor for someone else (ie to watch an innocent/clean movie) is Ossur for me!! My yashrus is relative to my personality and current matzav - it is totally irrelevant that it may be fine for another person

i am also very lonely, my wife is not aware of the extent of my problem - she caught me watching p*** many years ago, but thinks i have stopped.

i have found writing this very therapeutic - if you have any thoughts or chizuk, i would be very grateful to receive your comments

Yaher kochachem for this amazaing website!!! 

Ezehugibbor welcome. Congratulations for taking the plunge and coming out in the anonymous open. And congratulations for being 25 days clean.  Those are truly amazing accomplishments.
Just some observations about your post which may sound critical but I assure you are said with the best intentions, to help you succeed.
The fact that you are posting here does not mean you are an addict, what it might mean is that you've taken your problem serious enough to do something about it. May you continue to take these steps. An addict is typically defined as a person who is powerless over his ability to stop something which causes his life to become unmanageable. If you fit that definition you were an addict before you discovered this place. Even if you don't fit the definition you are obviously struggling and there is still much you can learn from this site.
You mention that "out of sight out of mind" is the "ONLY WAY forward" is that based on your whole 25 days of sobriety?  I don't mean to knock you. Indeed, given your credentials I know I have a lot to learn from you but given that you've been struggling with this problem for what maybe a lifetime and probably have made numerous unsuccessful attempts at stopping I would suggest holding off on recommending what is the best or "only" way to stop.
Someone will presumably send you soon the welcome package and you can get a sense of the many tools to help you in this struggle.  Torah is a good tool among many, but if I had to guess it would seem that you've tried it before and then slipped back down again.
Finally, I assure you is that if you stick around here read and post (your struggles and offering words of chizzuk) you won't be lonely.
Wishing you much hatzlacha and I hope to see you around.

Hello and welcome,
congrats on taking the significant step of acknowledging that you have a problem that needs to be dealt with. as you wrote it is so much easier to slip back into a murk of denial and avoidance.
you are worth (at least) the time it will take to browse around here and see what others have done and upgraded their lives. please peruse the welcome package below and the linked pdf's.
congrats on your current streak! and without meaning to rain on your parade i would second ur-a-jew's wise words. if you have had streaks in the past and the 'problem' still returned it may well be time to learn and try some new ideas.
So please stick around, i am sure you can add alot to the crowd here and you can solidify your position on the right side of recovery at the same time.
wishing you much hatzlocha and siyata dishmaya
zs

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

GuardYourEyes (GYE) is a vibrant network and fellowship of Jews of all affiliations, struggling to purify themselves and break free of lust related behaviors. For the first time, there is somewhere to turn to for help in these areas. We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama  .  Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!
 
In the last couple of years, the GYE network has helped roughly 1,000 Jews get back on a path of sanity, self-control and healing and has touched the lives of thousands more. GYE has become known throughout the Jewish world as the number one address for dealing with these challenges which have reached epidemic proportions. 

The tools of our recovery program were developed with guidance from the best experts in the field, such as Rabbi Dr. Avraham J. Twerski, and through the personal experience of hundreds of Jews who successfully broke free. We use a unique approach that recognizes that there are many different levels in these struggles.

Our network is comprised of a website, a pulsating forum, phone conferences, daily Chizuk e-mails, support hotlines, therapists, live 12-Step groups and a program of recovery for all levels of this struggle/addiction.

All our work is free of charge and we zealously protect the complete anonymity of all our members.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into your journey:

1) See the "GYE Program in a Nutshell" (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer) that can help you quickly identify at what level of the struggle you are at, and which tools and features would help you most at your particular level.

2) Install a strong filter (see this page for more info). It is hard to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away.  The filter gabai at filter.gye@gmail.com will hold the passwords for you. We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability.

3) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

4) Join the 90 Day Challenge. Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change the neuron pathways created by addictive behaviors in the brain.

5) Post away on this forum, where hundreds of yidden like you exchange chizuk and post logs of their journey to recovery. You will internalize that you are not alone, and you will learn the techniques and attitude that work for so many others.

6) Join our free anonymous phone conferences, led by an experienced sponsor.

7) If you need more general guidance, write to GYE’s helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call the hotline at 646-600-8100.

8.) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook" (a hard copy can be purchased for cost price over here). This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "The 20 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

The second part, "Attitude & Perspective", detail 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

Our souls cry inside of us, but we have accustomed ourselves to block out that cry. Today we can begin to be who we really want to be.

We are here for you.
www.GuardYourEyes.org
GYE E-Mail Helpline: gye.help@gmail.com
GYE Phone Hotline: 646-600-8100
Help us help others: Donate Here

Welcome aboard!


Stay here for a while

U will get the drift

You will be helped

25 days is huge

Especially when u are pushing back the 900 pound gorilla

I'm also a marbitz torah and a askan

Let's try to do this together


I'm 6 monthts clean as whistle


As we say here

Keep on trucking

One day at a time

WELCOME!  Nice to have a rov here.  Stick around.  You will grow here!

Happy to have you come aboard, Rabbi Ezehu! If you find UAJ's words a bit callus, I assure you that he means only love and good advice, as I came to learn from his cross remarks to me. But if you're looking for some good old novardoker approach of going into pharmacy to buy nails, come visit me on my thread - plenty thick skin there.
All kidding aside, this place is G-d-sent, so use it extensively and G-d will answer you like He has answered so many here, with blessed sobriety.

Hello Ezehu Gibbor,
      I feel humbled to be able to reply to you as I wish I can be a Marbitz Torah and be a Rov and Give Shiurim. I have the head for it but I just act lazy and I don't push myself hard enough. Maybe you could be Mechazek me in that.
I am on a streak of 2 wks from M* so this is definotely not proven yet but ever since I started I've been going to the Mikvah almost daily. I feel like it helps me divide the Taiva into daily challenges. Every time I have an urge I say to myself just hold out for today because I'll be going to the Mikvah tomorrow and its a new day. But as I said its only been 2 weeks so its not proven. Hatzlocho Raboh!
                  Newlife

Welcome Reb EZ!
I too have found that bulletproof shmiras eynayim is critical in beating this.  I gave up movies, don't read mainstream mags, and put my hand over any pictures of women I come across in my occasional exposure to mainstream media.  I also stopped checking my wife out.  Lust is lust.

But I also had a problem with intrusive thoughts (fantasies, images) that gave me no rest.  Only by applying recovery techniques (the 12 steps) was I able to break free of these.

Why do you feel lonely?  Because you have this secret that has been such an important chunk of your life and you can't share it with your wife?  Or because you just don't feel so connected to her.

Welcome aboard.  There are many quite learned men here (v'ani lo b'sochum).  The Sutton has found his way deep into the Torah community with this scourge.  But together we are rising up.

Do stick around.
Alex

welcome EG to our shteeble, clap my hand
we are all in the same boat here, lets work together, tovim hashnayim min hoachod

Reb Ezehugibbor, vu zeit ihr?

obormottel wrote on 06 Nov 2011 17:17:

hi, i am back - BH 36 days clean now, getting much easier - i want to thank everyone for your chizuk and yedidus - it was amazing to see the recent Mishpacha issue about rabbonim - i could absolutely identify with the loneliness - interestingly the ribbono shel olom recently sent me a challenge - a woman called me to complain that her husband is 'up all night on the computer'  - sounds familiar?!  i am busy using my experiences to give her chizuk and the courage to confront her husband and to convince them to get help.

personally, i find that my shemiras einayim is the key - if i dont look, i am calm inside, and able to focus on my learning and davening - i feel the ribbono shel olom as a real presence in my life - i am able to be mechadesh in torah much better - it sounds crazy, but the feeling of tahara is tangible - i know i have a long way to go yet, mustnt become complacent, but BH it is getting easier - the trick will be not to let my guard down on my gedarim

אחי ורעי - thank you all soooo much for your kind words - i cant begin to tell you how much chizuk it gives me

ezehugibbor wrote on 12 Nov 2011 23:32:


Reb Gibor I'm glad to hear things are going well. Continued hatzlacha. With respect to the wife of an addictive husband. Why not send both of them here?  Guard your eyes has a special board for the wives of addicts where this woman can get chizzuk and advice from women who are similarly situated. As for the husband, well you know the help he can find here.

ur-a-jew wrote on 13 Nov 2011 02:19:


excellent idea - i will - dont know why i didnt think of it before - Yashar Koach!

having heard hespedim on R NZ Finkel ZTL, it gave me chizuk not to give up -when you realise what he achieved in life through sheer wilpower, he is mechayev us all, like hillel (see Yoma 35b)

i am also very lonely, my wife is not aware of the extent of my problem - she caught me watching p*** many years ago, but thinks i have stopped.


I think this is a huge issue and unrecognized - the feeling of knowing that no one can know about the problem is very very difficult --- that's why posting is helpful very helpful

The key element I have found in addition to the forum is to talk to hashem - hitbodedut or similar activities and express out loud the feeling to the ribbno shel olam - not just during the amidah but actually to go to a remote place a speak out the issues
good luck -