I am glad that there is a place like this to post my story and i hope it will help others cope with their fight.
It all sarted because i was curious even during the time of dial-up. i just wanted to see what it was. then it went deeper and deeper. this was before it was called an addiction just the "tumana internet" but i realize in hind site that it was an addiction. i tried real hard to stop just for two nights or a week even maybe up to two months put i always ended up falling. i don't know what kept me going but i kept on trying saying i will never do it again. i was a good kid this was not the real me. but i just could not quit.
getting married helped but it didn't quite go away.
I once heard something from Rabbi Yisroel Reisman shlit"a that finaly helped me. He said that when people do things bad they remember because it is something that they should not have done but if they finaly do something right they forget because that is what they were supposed to do anyway.
then one time (i still remember it clearly almost five years later) i was sitting in the library using their wi-fi and my curiosity was starting to get me again. and i pushed it off. and agian and again. it was getting real hard i dont recall it ever getting this hard but boruch hashem i was able to do it until i finaly finished what i was realy supposed to be doing and left. i hope to never forget that i did it when it was realy hard.
they say that Hashem remembers what we forget and forgets what we remember so we should try to forget the good deeds that we did so that hashem should remember them and we can get the reward. but i cant afford to forget.
the battle is not over, it probably never will be so i try to avoid the internet. but the memory of all that i did is still fresh in my mind and constanlty creeps into my head and i have to keep pusing it away. but i am armed, i know i did it when it was hardest and i can do it again.
i hope people reading this can use it to help them fight. remember you only have to do it once and it is your amunition forever.

cheiri hayokor!, i am learning from you what will power can do
and how strong your will power is
be strong, keep going

From the title "habocher" I'm assuming you are a bachur. What a blessing it is that you've come to these realizations when you are not destroying your family. God blessed you with this power as a bachur, as he did to me, so DON'T TURN AWAY FROM IT! Open up your arms and accept this blessing. Work your hardest to recover from this dehabilitating addiction! Welcome my FELLOW SOLDIER!

This is much like the story in R. Zoren's Aleinu L'Shabeach's book, citing the Rebbe of Mir... after an intense Yom Kippur prayer service, people were depressed that reaching such a level would mean nothing.  He said there was a man who built a castle, and after finishing it, he fell off the top of it.  On the ground, he screamed at how devastated he was about his ruined castle.  They all looked at him and said, the castle is still standing, it's only YOU that has fallen. 

Similarly, we all build incredible structures through our thoughts, prayers, tears, and regrets... and even though we may fell, it's not as if we undid all our work.  Quite the opposite, the Rebbe seems to suggest....

I'm totally spazzed; I just reread your story and you clearly stated your married. Sorry. hatzlacha it only gets better!

WECOME habocher!  You are in the right place.  Here is the official welcome package.  Read through it. Post.  We are all in this together.

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama   Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

GYE Program in a Nutshell: (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer).

'Guard Your Eyes' offers a unique approach to helping people by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". After studying the experience of hundreds of religious strugglers over the past few years, we put together the suggestions and recommendations that we feel are best for the various levels. We divided the tools, features and services that GYE offers into 8 different levels. This "GYE Program in a Nutshell can help people quickly identify at what level of the struggle they are at, and which tools and features would help them most at their particular level.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into recovery:

1) Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information… We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

3) Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

4) Post away on this forum! You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

5) GuardYourEyes also offers many free anonymous phone conferences where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See www.guardyoureyes.org > Tools > Phone Conferences for many different options. Our conferences are taking place every day, morning, noon and night… Joining a phone group would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but the daily call will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

6) If you need more general guidance, write to our e-mail helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call our hotline at 646-600-8100.

7) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook". This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "Attitude & Perspective", details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

The second part, "The 18 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

May Hashem be with you!

ontheedgeman wrote on 06 Sep 2011 18:31:


LOVE the mashal...