Dear Laag,
I PM'd this to you. But I like it too much to leave it off the forum. I hope that is OK with you. As far as the eitzoh of masturbating once in a while, I will ignore such things and focus on the stepwork with you, if you want to. Living in the problem is useless. We will live in the solution - in the work. Little issues about whether you freak out once in a while or not will all be roadkill soon, iy"H, I believe. It all depends on what you want, chaver. Not on anything else.
You wrote a few things and I elaborate on them below (sorry it is such a 'langeh arichus'):
1) When you say that you feel that you just "want to do what you want to do with no pressure" that's OK. It just means to me you still have a lot of growing up to do. This is the usual story, especially with addicts. I bet that something big happened when you were around 8 or maybe 11 years old that just stopped you growing up any more, from then on. Lots of people are like that, especially men. Who knows? Maybe I am wrong about this. But in any case, wasting time to figure out if it is true and what hapenned with you is not what recovery is about. It's just a thought I have. I am not a shrink and cannot even play one in the movies.
2) I cannot be your god, for I cannot even keep myself sober - how could I keep you sober? Hashem keeps me sober because I let Him. The 12 steps is exactly and only about how to let Him do that.
And yes, I am just an addict - a very sick man who is getting better and better, b'ezras Hashem. My family and I have a different kind of life now one day at a time - on the inside and on the outside - than we lived 15 years ago. An honest life, a great life, and we are just trying to be normal frummeh yidden, period. That is what the program is for - helping addicts be able to live the life they think is important instead of killing themselves slowly with their chosen drug.
I got better because I went to meetings. I keep getting better because I go to meetings and work this program. I would be happy to share all the details of my story with you any time you like, if that will help you. I do it all the time with new people. Just ask me.
I also cannot be your god because of the simple fact that you do not need me. The thing you need is your own honesty, for starters. You can learn from my self-honesty how to be honest with yourself, but you cannot use my honesty for anything. You need to find your own. Without it, you have nothing. And without continuing to find and use your honesty, the fixing does not continue. You need to be open withe the right people. You need to follow directions and copy the other sick people you meet who are getting better. The only way to learn this stuff is by living it - trying it. Lo hamedrash ha'ikkar, ella ha'ma'aseh.
3) When you say you are "doing this job without Hashem," I believe you do not really mean what we think you mean. I think that to you, "using Hashem" means this: doing Teshuvah, davening harder, doing mitzvos harder, and just 'being good'. You have come to see that such things may not be the answer to your problems, so you are ready to try something else. B'ezras Hashem...
But Hashem is not the same as "putting on tefillin". Keeping Shabbos is not "Hashem". Hashem is the Borei Olam. His Will is expressed in His Torah, and when I shecht cow properly I am not 'doing Hashem' - I am doing His Will. Let's not confuse things, ok?
So using tefilin and Teshuvah, kashrus, and shmiras eynayim...that is not 'using' Hashem. It is using His mitzvos - not Him. We need a relationship with Hashem - not with our tzitzis or cholov yisroel cottage cheese. In recovery we learn how to use Hashem, with His help. Using yiddishkeit to solve this problem, but not using Hashem for it - that is our disease itself! We try to not masturbate, not look at porn, not do this, not do that - all expecting that act to save us...but only Hashem Himself can save us! Hashem was meant to be used this way, not His mtzvos. They were meant to be used to serve Him.
Using tefillin is a great, great zechus. But to use it to save one from cancer is a grave mistake - it was not meant to be used for that!! Shemiras eynayim is a great zechus and is definitely a yesod for tahara - but is clearly not the solution for lust addiction. It is not meant to be. It defines a clean lifestyle and is a tool for good living, but not a solution in itself. To use it to fight a lifestyle shot through with lusting, is a complete misuse of the mitzvah. V'hee lo sitzlach.
Tefillah is the mitzvah that we Jews are told to use for getting saved from troubles. What's tefillah? A relationship with yiddishkeit, or a relationship with Atzmuso Yisborach? C'mon. It's Him. The halocha is that we do not daven to His middos, partzufin, whatever - we use them, yes, but we daven only to atzmuso Yisborach. That's tefillah and that is what recovery is trying to produce: a real relationship with our own G-d. Teshuvah is the same thing - we do not return to kashrus, Shabbos, or tefillin in teshuvah - we return to Him!!
The halocha also is that after we daven, we must not think that our wish will be granted because of the power of tefilloh, or the power of our kavonoh and sincerity - but only mechasdo Yisborach, period. Only Him Himself giving it to us for free, even though we did not deserve it at all. The attitude of 'deserving the good stuff we get' - including the gift of sobriety, for an addict - is just not a Jewish attitude. We need to be moser nefesh (translate: surrender) - and still know that it's all a free gift. Yoga'ato umotzoso - ta'amin. Even by Talmud Torah, it is a gift - a metziyoh. Not a result of our hard work and deserving. This may be a little nekudaleh for normal people - but for addicts it is a yesod.
OK, enough.
So when are you sharing your story?
)
