do you think that just talking here on GYE will magically stop the nisyonos?
are you happy having this cycle of nisyonos coming and going?

what is being suggested is that you take the time to see what is being taught here. read the forum, the site and the Handbook. get a feel of what's going on here. listen to the people who have been through similar situations to yours. try some of the advice here.

you and your family are worth it.

i wish you much hatzlocha

i won't be surprised at all if i see you here in a few months saying the same thing to others coming for the first time...

lol....
you probably sing nice too...
  im not happy at all.
and about your question if i am not tired of ups and downs ups and downs; well you have any aveira that you did teshuva and you managed competly?
the gaon (vilne) said that to work on a mide is harder than to finish shas.....
this mide is called taava chemda, we work we fall we work we fall
im now in yeride time.... fall time.....

Hashem yeracheim

It sounds like you want to get better, but your not really willing to put a bit of effort into it?

I heard a mashal which I might of posted before of a man who had aspirations to have lots and lots of money.  Every day he davened and davened to Hashem to grant him to win the lottery and promised to use the money only for tzedakah and maasim tovim.  Hashem you have nothing to loose only to gain he pleaded.  After every shmone esreh he would spend 20 minutes davening to win the lotto with intense kavana.  This went on 3 times a day for many years.  Finally after 20 years, the melachim came to Hashem and said, its enough already we can't take this any longer, can You just let him win the lottery already?  Hashem answered, I have no problem with this, but he never bought a ticket.

Reb Laag, there are many "tickets" suggested above that you can buy.  Its not enough to just accept this nisayon and say nu nu.  It helped many of us and it can help you.

LV

One thing I see that your spelling "magically" improved in 2 days

And your vocabulary too

Its impressive

Continue maneuvering a hauling vehicle

B

changing middos is doable yes. i speak from experience

laagvokeles wrote on 17 Dec 2010 00:11:

Dear Laagvokeles,

What you say sounds like it makes sense, and because I believe you really do not get insulted I will say a few things to you. You will probably think they are funny. I do not.

I guess you think you are very smart, but really you are not that smart. You are still doing things that you admit are crazy. That's not very very smart. You sound like you have figured it all out, but here you are, just calling for "everyone to do teshuvah"...

You have a smart sounding idea that the tayva problem is like any middah that the Gaon said is harder to break than doing sha"s...very nice. For me, the difference is this:

I have jealousy and I don't like it. Is my jealousy ruining my marriage, job, family, sanity? Is it in charge of my entire life? Is it really ruining my life? No, I do not think so.

I have other problems. Are they ruining my life? No.

Chaza"l have a moshol that you know: The parts of the body argued over which is most powerful. The tongue won because it made the person say stupid things to the king and the whole body got the death penalty. "See?," it said, "I run the show, because I do big things that will affect all of the body, and the rest of you parts are powerless to stop me!"

For me, lust is like that tongue - it runs the show cuz it can ruin everything for me. Alcohol is like the tongue, for an alcoholic. Heroin is like the tongue, for a drug addict. An addict keeps using his drug like an idiot even when it is not fun any more, because he is used to it and doesn't stop even though it is hurting him or putting him into danger. Are you like that with your schmutz, or not?

There are gambling people who can enjoy poker. Sometimes they win, sometimes they lose. But it is always fun to play. Like sports. But some are not able to enjoy gambling any more - they are pushed to do it and will almost always give in, even if it is very, very bad for them - and they have no money! Many of them call themselves "addicts". They admit that they really cannot stop no matter how much they want to, and that they do not gamble, for entertainment any more. They are sick and they know it now.

Same for drinking with alcoholics.

Same with using lust, fantasy and sex, for me. Some yidden can get a lust attack, then a teshuvah attack (your nice words!), then another lust attack, then another teshuvah attack, to 120 - and their lives are not ruined. They seem to get along OK in life. Nu. Everybody has their pekk'l, right?

Lust is not that way with me. Maybe it was at the beginning, but by the time I was 16, lust became like a Doberman. It bites hard and holds on, chewing and chewing. Yes, takes breaks to rest...but the cycle never ends and it never lets go until everything choshuv in my life gets ugly and is ruined.

I looked at myself years ago (in recovery) and discovered that when I feel very guilty for something, I run to schmutz. When I feel very worried about something, I run to schmutz. When I am excited about something, I run to schmutz. When I am angry at something, I run to schmutz. It is my drug, plain and simple. Not entertainment, not a hobby, but a drug. And I cannot win against it. With Hashem's Chessed I am sober now thirteen years from porn videos, masturbation, and many other ways of using lust, but of course I am still a sick person getting well.

Is my problem funny? Not to my children. And not to me, any more, either.

This is why it is not at all like changing a middah. Please. Changing a middah is what we do to be better people. Getting sober from my drug addiction to lust, fantasy and sex is what I do for saving my life and everything in it from getting ruined.

If you consider yourself like a person who is choosing between a lower madreigoh and a higher madreigoh, then I tell you that either you are completely different from me, or you are still just lying to yourself. You will find out which is true one day, like this:

After 120, if you look back on your life and see that it was a joke - that you were not a real husband and father but just imitating one; that you were not a real yid, just imitating one; that you were not a real chochom, just imitating one...then you'll know.

I am not one to say, "Oy, you better stop! It's a terrible aveiro!" No, not me. I really believe that if you are in as much trouble as you said you were in your first posts, then you can't stop anyway, until you learn how to stop whining, lying, and fooling yourself and making excuses for isarusa dl'Eilah and teshuvah. All that stuff is just silly, in my opinion.

Maybe you are really OK. Maybe not. I can never decide that, because I am sick myself! But you can. I hope you decide. Maybe between comedy movies.

Hatzlocha rabbah and thanks for being a decent fellow.

LagVakelles

Thank you thank you

You gave me my rebbe (rebbe reb ber )DOV

In full shining color

And it was son undovish

U didn't need google translate to say it


But......

LV if u still don't chap what DOV is saying

Ill sum it up


Forget what middah forget what lav. Forget what shtikkl rabainu yona it is

(Both me and dov can recite it chapter and verse)


You choose

Choose life of poitivity

Life accomplishing

Which will bring u meaning and purpose (watch I didn't promise happiness)


Or a life full of distractions

Where u live from distraction to distraction


Read what dov wrote

Read it "mit an offeneh kup"

Print the yiddish handbooks


Have a fraylicher shabbos

Kiss your kids

Compliment your wife

And compliment yourself too


LV

Please stay here at least a month


B

you ppl are really special!

by the way dov i smell you are from england... right?

  any way i dont know whats wrong with what i say that the all matter its tshuva and thats it.

  what you say about when life is not shining that you use to (bh not any more!!) run to porn, its because porn is the best thing in the world (mizad hatuma), when we use to be small and we cried mami gave us a loly, now the loly changed to porn.

  other ppl that were zoiche not to be exposed to porn and they allso dont have a strong personality they would run to read a book or go for a walk, but we got exposed to porn so we run to porn...

  By the way i know ppl that dont matter what problem they have, they always in track, always 7 a clock shachris they dont change anything in theyr seider hayom.... well me and you are not like that we are weeck (shvach) and any wind drops us down.... now i drop into porn because its good because the yetzer hara likes it.... i dont want to call it adiction!
  its just a huge aveiro and the best of them (laider).....

  liscen i would love to stop now! with this, but i close my eyes and i think :you have cheishek to stop now? NO! i dont, what should i do?.....
  now my situation is that i dont wach a porn film because im all hot and i feel i gotta loosen up a bit... no.  my situation is i wach a non porn movie i eat i porn a bit, an other non shmutz movie, news, daven a bit learn a bit, an other porn  and on  and on..
i cant wait to be good again!
by the way you said you clean for 13 years? wow! no downs?
did you envolve hashem in the way you cleand your self up? please tell me how

laagvokeles wrote on 17 Dec 2010 11:11:

bardichev wrote on 17 Dec 2010 06:04:


Actually I would say Thank you for giving us Dov and Bards in full shining color.

laagvokeles wrote on 16 Dec 2010 23:33:


Reminds me of a shuir I once heard from Reb Moshe Aharon Stern zt"l.  He was commenting on husbands "learning" in Kollel who go to daven at 11:00 - 12:00 while there wives are killing themselves at some job.  And he overhears once saying "Hanosen LaSechvi Binah"  Reb Moshe Aharon said I wanted to go over to him and tell him.  Excuse me, I think your Sechvi is a little broken.  Lvk I don't know what "israuso deleilo" you are using but I think its broken.  Take the wonderful advice you've been given by Reb Dov and Reb Bards to heart, it will give you the path of how to save your life.

laagvokeles wrote on 17 Dec 2010 11:11:
 

You are not alone in this.  Many of us, myself included depending on the day, are hesitant to admit that we are addicts.  Perhaps we associate a certain stigma to it.  That is although we have no hesitancy to look at porn 24\6, we feel that if we don't admit that we are addicts, maybe it will all turn out to be some bad dream and we are really not that bad in the end.  In truth its a pride issue.  But as Bardichev expressed earlier don't call yourself an addict.  Call it whatever you want.  But do do the work that everyone is telling you to do.

Have a wonderful Shabbos and hatzlacha 

my first post on guard your eyes

enjoy it

it still bring tears to my eyes


I"m new here
« on: April 07, 2009, 01:04:12 AM »Quote Modify Remove I found your website on march 20 it  is the most wonderful thing that happened to me in along time.
I cried my eyes out reading all the machshavos tovos and sincere hirhurei teshuva .
I cried for along time and realized that most of what i thought i was going through was crazy and only happening to me.I cried for the honest people who are trying to save their neshamos save their lives save their marriages save their normalcy.I cried to Hashem to please let me also become a baal teshuva and not just go back and forth and be caught in a vicious cycle.
Shabbos Hachodesh was anew hischadshus for me I felt like air was being filled into a deflated balloon.I cried so hard by kabbolas shabbos my kids were looking at me as if s/t was wrong.I cried by the passuk, ohavei Hashem siu raa shomer nafshie chasidav miyad rishayim yatzileim.I begged Hashem with all my heart that the next Shabbos I will not stand in shame in front of him when I say this passuk again.
That entire shabbos and Sunday i had the opportunity to be involved in a dvar mitzva which was all encompassing I threw my heart and soul into it.Sunday morning I started to monitor my self .I reactivated my accountability program I started keeping a log on paper of every hour that I was in front of my computer.It was really phenomenal to see for myself how many times i would want just to go online for a few minuets .That was my first clean day.(I am not counting the Friday for that was my real hard soul searching day) Monday and Tuesday were very hard but I fought like a lion I was in full control.
I kept on reading all the forum posts stories etc. it was (and is ) my new lifeline.Wednesday and Thursday I was again very busy with a dvar mitzva so i had so little access to my computer it was a breeze.
now here is were it gets interesting Wednesday night i went to a chasuna for the first time in years i felt so happy so excited to be by someones simcha .I cried like a baby by the chuppa. I davened for siyatta dishmaya on my war.Suddenly by this wedding I had almost total control of my eyes,I was ashamed to be in the lobby. I stayed on the dance floor the entire time.by the time shabbos came around I felt such simcha and real kedushas hashabbos it was wonderful.

I don't want to make this email forever long  so I will continue it in parts(if anyone is interested).
bottom line today is day 16 for me .I have one last thought ,the Heilige Kedushas Levy would weep from nachas and be meilitz yosher for all the mevakshie Hashem on this forum.
please put me on your wall.

humbled and happy
bardichev

      Just having some fun using all Reb b's original verter:

bardichev wrote on 17 Dec 2010 17:31:


    Nu, and what about Avraham Avinu? His initials are "AA", no? (And don't ask me about his wife's initials! )

      I love reb b.

      PS. What's with this lower case business?

Every time I read that post I get a hirhur teshuvah

Dov I love you like a brother

LVK,

Sorry I'm late to this discussion, but I'm confused with some of your questions/statements.

I'm sure you know people who have struggled to stop smoking, lose weight, or even stop drinking coffee.

In each of these case, people who have started and gotten used to the behavior have a much harder time stopping the behaviour than one who has not. There is also a constant risk of relapse which is much more than by other people.

At the same time, I am sure that you know loads of people that successfully stopped smoking, lost weight etc. It certainly is not easy (to put it rather mildly), but it can be done. There is no reason why shemiras einayim should be different.

There is much discussion on this site about the exact best approach, but I think it is agreed that the first step is that you have to realize that you have no other option and really want to change. I'm not sure what you are waiting for. You are terriifed that your wife will find you reading a book on how to fix shemiras einayim issues - what's going to happen when she catches you actually  looking at P*???? (It's bound to happen one day if you don't deal with the issue.) I would gladly finish shas twice before suffering those kinds of consequences.

When you are ready, there is a whole crew here eager to help.

(Once you do take on this issue, you will discover that many (though of course not all) of the dificulties in life that send you to P are actually caused by it. It is rather pleasant to break free from this cycle, I reccomend that you try it.)