Thanks again for your replies. Firstly, in terms of yiras shamayim I agree with you whole heartedly that for most people the most effective way to approach this is not through yiras shamayim, but that any one who does this is for sure lacking true yiras shamayim. And in terms of of a filter, I am really going to consider installing one or attaching a program that someone else can see what I am doing on the computer at all times (which would require me to tell someone which I am really considering doing at this point).
To Frumfiend the Star: When I read that you teach bochurim my age, as you wrote you can imagine my reactions, but my first reaction was actually a little different than you probably expected. I was thinking how unblievable it is that someone in your position would humble himself to write on this website and really commit to changing his problem. I am in much awe and humility. So groyze groyze shkoyach! I just have to say that it seems a bit weird to be talking to you so casually like this when if I knew you personally I'd probably call you "rebbe" or "rabbi x", but I guess that's what's so great about this website (or any appropriate forum in general I guess as this is my first time doing something like this). In terms of your questions, when I am in yeshiva I am good for the most part but I do occassionally have hirhurim (more than I would like) and then I have to release that sexual tension somehow. I've learned that even the slightest thought is a really slippery slope and that the only way to protect myself is not to even have the smallest thought. I recall a number of occassionans where my mind wandered for only a few minutes and then I tried to push the thoughts away, but even though I was successful in not thinking about that any more, it was too late and I needed to release that tension somehow. I've been even two entire days trying not to release that tension until it got to the point that I was literally unable to walk comfortably. I then understood the Rambam that says that a person should only have sex if he feels as though he was being pulled down and unable to walk comfortably and only then is sex a refuah for him. If I would have waited any longer it probably would have been physically damaging. These things do not happen all the time (not more than a handful of times a zman) but that certainly is a lot. In terms of friends, b"H I have plenty of friends which is actually something I have been working on recently. When I was in highschool I was not so social which is very possible a factor which led me to this mess. I recently started doing a cheshbon hanefesh and realized that it was very important for me to have a better social life so now I have more friends, I am more talkative, and even more laid back.
If you don't mind I also have a few questions for you (you obviously don't have to answer if you feel they are too personal or wtvr). Considering the fact that you're a rebbe and I am also on that track I think you may be a good person to ask. I also want to tell you that I really sympathize with you and I will bli neder try to have you in my tefillos. Firstly, I am curious to know if you also had hirhurim sometimes during the zman. And also (again, feel free not to answer) how do you cope with this as a rebbe? I want to be very clear that I am not c"v judging you or anything of that sort. Like I already said, I can't stand it when people think I'm a tzaddik or something, and sometimes different things go into my head when things like that happen. Most of the time I do a subconscious hirhur bitshuva and tell myself that I won't do any aveiros ever again so that I can appreciate the compliment. Sometimes I tell myself that I really do not do so many aveiros and even though I've got a few pretty bad ones under my belt, for the most part I've got a pretty clean record (which is far from true). and sometimes I just accept the guilt. I am realy curious to know how you deal with it as a leader and when guys look up to you as a role model probably etc. Btw, I'm sure besides this one issue you are a tzaddik and a really nice person (which I can already tell you are). There are for sure rabbis I know that I would not be blown away if I found out they were doing this (and obviously there are others that I'm not sure what I'd do with myself if I found out they were although there are not too many of them because most are probably in the middle) but it's still kinda weird trying to picture it. Once again, huge shkoyach, and much much hatzlocho. Btw, why don't you have a filter?(I don't mean to be hypocritical or anything). Oh yeah, one more question. Is this addiction for you like alcohol and drugs that you neeeeeed to get it and if you don't you'll have a break down or something, or is it that if you have the computer in front of you and no one's looking you can't control yourself but if you didn't have it for a long stretch of time nothing would happen?
