Tizku limitz'.

Here is what K9 told me:
I believe that we have found the source of your issues. I have seen issues with our current version of K9 conflicting with ESET NOD32 anti-virus. It seems that they are blocking the connections to our ratings servers, without any options to override. We have been experiencing this same issue with Kaspersky and Trend Micro.

We are working with their developers to get this issue corrected, but unfortunately at this time there is not a work around that will allow K9 through their block. You will have to uninstall ESET NOD in order to allow K9 to work.

I am using OpenDNS now. So far, so good.

Oy, I am so sad.  Now I understand the urgency in your pm.  I am up and running again.  I'm upset with myself because I could have been checking into GYE from work.  I now see I was just basically avoiding participating, and setting myself up for another fall, and that you had to suffer not having another friend available. 

I'm sure you noticed that this is my second streak, and that I fell last time around 120 days.  Interesting that kidushashem also fell at 120 days.  I think I'm at 117 days and it's amazing how the pressure has started to build.  So I've been doing two things that are contributing to the pressure buildup.  1) Haven't reinstalled filter (I also use esetnod.  Please let me know what you did about the k9 problem and the suggestions people made, because I need to get a filter fast.)  2)  I've been avoiding GYE. 

I've been having a gnawing dread kind of feeling in the pit of my stomach for the last few days.  Tonight I woke up about 3am, tried to doze and finally got up around 5 and logged on.  I can see I'm in trouble and need to redouble my involvement.

Please please put the fall behind you.  Here I am, second run, and I'm scared again.  It's truly just one day at a time.  I'll be in touch, skype soon.

Nuuuu???  Please don't give up on me.  call me.  I could care less about what happened.  Let me do something useful for a change.

The great mekubal Harav Yitzchok Meir Morgenstern shlita has a long explanation of Rebbe Nachman's Tikun Kloli. It requires some knowlodge of kabboloh. I have it in PDF format and he allows it to be given out for free. At the end he has the nussach of the tikun in nice big letters which you can print.
Anyone who wants it can PM me an anonymous email and I will send it to you.

Hi there!

Back on the chart!
These last few weeks without K9 have been like before I ever found GYE. I need to get out of my rut and start being shomer my eynayim again on the street and online. One day at a time, but these first days are going to be the tough ones.
Hatzlocho to us all and to Sholom Mordechai Halevi ben Rivka Rubashkin.

There is a lot more to it than just trying to guard our eyes.

--Eye.

You are an example for all of us.  You did not give up.  Hashem is happy.  Stay close, my friend.

The defense would like to point out that I have been giving myself pleasure and excitement from m*****n since before I knew the difference between a girl and a boy and before I had any bechira at all. My neurons have been hard wired for lust without any informed choice on my part.

The accusing-angel would like to point to the times that I used my free-choice not to lust and to the THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of times that I have chosen to look and think and touch even when I knew it was wrong.

The lady (7Up) and gentlemen of the jury are asked to decide who is right.( I think they are both right and that I am a victim and a rosho.)

A lot of us discovered masturbation before we knew it was forbidden.  Once we found out, we were required to stop.  However, the RBS"O will surely take into account the extent that our Bechirah was (and is) compromised (or virtually non-existent).  But, we have no right to leave our Bechirah in that state - we need to constantly work on raising our Nekudas Habechirah.

Once you've got some clean days under your belt, I recommend reading "The Light of Ephraim."  I'm about halfway through the book and, although I don't understand all the esoteric topics discussed, I find very meaningful the discussion regarding the damage wrought by this Aveira and the ways to rectify it.

BB

(everything I write hear applies to myself as well, bye the way)

You know I love you!!! But what's more is that your neshama is  a chelek Eloka Me'mal, and Hashem loves you unconditionally.  With regard to your concern, I would say - It does not matter!  In fact, everything in the past does not matter.  There is right now.  Hashem really cares what you will do - RIGHT NOW.  I don't think that even if you can come up with the best justification in the world, it really matters, unless that justification will prevent you from being nichshel in an aveira.  Save your arguments for the aseres y'mei teshuva.  Our Tatty in Himmel, wants us to speak with him now, be close to him now, learn his heilegeh Torah now.  If we worry about the past, it just affects our present - what is the point of that.  Hashem created you, and knows you better than you do - he accepts you as you are, and does not give you a nisayon that you cannot handle.  You have achieved 90 days, you have shown yourself that you have the ability to "tame those neurons."  Don't think you have to do it alone.  You have Hashem Yisborach on your side ( and all your friends at GYE).  Cry out to Him.  He will help you.

I wanted to add one thing.  It seems you are wondering if you are justifiably a victim.

WE ARE ALL VICTIMS according to Pirkey Avos " We are born against our will!"

Its what we DO with our given situation that matters.

I think this is a good step towards recovery.  Realizing, and admitting, the severity of your problem.  It's not just a little difficulty with shmiras eineyim.  We can't recover until we first realize we have a major problem from which we NEED to recover.

All that stuff about the angels and being a Rasha, it's just your mind trying to give you more excuses to keep acting out.  Forget about it.  You're a yid and you're holy and as long as you're alive you can improve.

Get yourself into a recovery program.  CHANGE YOUR LIFE to join a recovery program, if you must.  Go to a group, admit you need help, even if you have to tell your wife "I'm joining a chizzuk group," like many other people have done in order to make the phone calls.

Go to a 12-step group, or a therapist, or whatever (the former is much cheaper, and generally much more effective).  Don't wait for one to come to you.

How important is your recovery?

--Eye.

Dear "Blind Beggar",

Exactly what is your question? After the PM, I still have not found your actual question yet...can you please clarify what it is?

Respectfully,

Dov