MovingUp wrote on 18 Jan 2011 04:29:


Wow, you are in my world with that comment.

I acted out s*xually for 18 years and found SA recovery two years ago. Still today, I constantly say that "my question are the the usual type". I HATE when people tell me "I am the same" because all my excuses are predicated on the fact that I am different. I "can't" get better because I am different.

Some of our favorite lines are...
"If you had my wife....you'd lust too"
"If you had my job...you'd lust too"
"If you had my family...you'd lust too"
"If you had been brought up with my religious insanity...you'd lust too"

basically, all I want are excuses not solutions.

Today that has to change! Right now, I am struggling with wanting to go online and look at inappropriate things. The way I am getting through that is by sharing and being "the same as" everyone. If I lust even a little, I wont be able to stop. I must pray, share, go to meetings and then start over - pray share, go to meetings.......etc.......etc.

You sound like you are in so much pain, you don't need that to continue.

You guy's are all amazing. I feel like Im letting you down but I fell again today - I read the handbook but its too overhwelming. I want the "off" switch to this...

Say out loud

FELL SHMELL

FELL SHMELL

FELL. SHMELL

And keep on trucking

B

MovingUp wrote on 19 Jan 2011 01:31:

How many times I said that to myself. How many times I still think it. Just keep standing up. Someone gave me the great analogy of a person shoveling snow, he goes down the steps, down the walk, and at his car he slips on his backside and falls down hard. When he stands up, is he back in his house with the snow back where it was? Absolutely not. Every day (or hour) we have of sobriety - is a gift and an investment for our soul. A fall is just that, a fall. When we stand up we keep moving (or trucking as Berdichev likes to say  )

Thank u SMGW

Herr ois

Little secret

There is no off switch


But there is an ON switch

What is the on switch

Life itself

Connecting
To Torah
To Hashem
To chaveirim

Litaveh yivakkesh nifrad

Sick Man Getting Well wrote on 19 Jan 2011 02:56:


Right Back Atcha SMGW

A simple man once came to the Lechovitcher Zy"a.

Asked the Rebbe: How did you get here?

Simple Man: I rode here on my Chamor (donkey- but in Hebrew it is similar to "Chomer" which is the "Material" side of man- or any entity -and is what shleps one down, down, down to wordly desires -or even Shmutz! Tzaddikim say the Mishnah in Berachos "...היה רוכב על החמור" is an allusion to one has masterful control over his material drives -as a rider controls his mount).

Rebbe: And what do you do when the "chamor" gets wild and unseats you?

Simple Man: Well, I get right back on him and keep on riding!

Rebbe: And what do you do when he throws you again?

Simple Man: Well, I get up and brush myself off again, and keep riding!

Rebbe: And if he throws you again?

Simple Man: Well I pick myself off the floor, and get back on, and keep on riding!

And so on, and so forth -this exchange repeated itself a number of times.

Chassidim said that the Rebbe was trying to teach us, that even if the Chomer -the Guf with it's ta'avos -gets wild and knocks us down -the only eitzah is to get up and keep striving to go up and ride on in ruchniyus!

(Sefer Mizkenim Esbonan) 

i was this allusion to hayah rochev al hachamor too, in yosher divrei emess. BTW, your'e not theonly "chashuve chassidishe youngeman around town now! If you ever need backup with chassidus, i'm your man. and btw, i love your sig.
over and out, tzaddik 90

What can I say, other than that you guys are amazing!! Thanks for all the responses!!

Im trying to cut down on my internet usage for unnecessary things, which is why I haven't been here much the past few days. Unstructured time using the internet is not good for me

Though to be honest, the past few times I looked at porn, it didn't even feel good. Not the usual feeling good and then feeling guilty, that I used to get. There wasn't really any enjoyment. It felt more out of necessity than any real pleasure and that scares me. It is obviously not the path to any type of happiness, even a false one.

I really am trying to connect to Hashem, and make Him proud of how hard I am trying to work on myself. I need him in my life and won't let go so easily.

Update: I just saw a completely innocuous article - on how some public figure was caught doing some improper sexual conduct. And now my brain can't block it out and the yetzer hora is kicking into first gear.

This is something that no filter or accountability software will pick out, and which no normal person would even notice. But I see the slightest reference to sex, and boom the lust is back. Pretty pathetic...

hi Movingup,
i can identify with that type of experience. often a little innuendo will set off my mind tumbling into the bad stuff. It may be pathetic but it is reality and we need to protect ourselves. Just like an asthmatic person knows he needs to protect himself from air that is polluted while for others it is harmless.
I was reading a technology magazine and about 4 or 5 ads had undercurrents of lust. At least they seemed so to me , might have been my 'lust-sensitive' mind.
if you can identify the fact that you are in danger mode and reach out to a friend or to Hashem you already have something good going for you.
hatzlocha

Thanks. what do you mean by reach out to hashem?

Not at all strange to me. I was recently looking at a list of college attendees in a work project and the lust kicked in wondering what these people were doing. I will find lust anywhere I can get it. Anytime I see any kind of neon lights on a store, even a plumbing supply store, I get triggered from lust.

I need to get honest and say that I looked at p*rn today for a few minutes. I keep to the SAWB definition of sobriety and my sponsor said I am still sober, but definitely not well. I trusted myself and not my God. I will gain nothing from doing what I did but I do it anyway because I am a sick man and thankfully I am slowly getting well.

A guy in my meetings says a lot "I may not be the person I want to be but I am surely not the person I used to be."

If I can say that today, I am making progress. It will get better with Hashems help. I must trust that He can do it for me. For me, reaching out to Hashem looks the same as reaching out to a friend. I address Him as if He is sitting right next to me and is human. I usually introduce myself first and say my sobriety date and forms of acting out. Then I ask for what I want. I ask for the willingness to take healthy actions. I ask for guidance and spirituality. I ask for His shechina to shine just a bit brighter today so I can see my way. I thank Him for the good things I have in my life today. Thats the starting point for me. Now that I have shared that, I am going to go do it.......tty guys later!

Getting Well,

Thanks for bringing some of that good ol' hard hitting SA honesty and humility to the forum.  Seeing others face their actions with honesty and their search for help with humility is a more powerful instruction than reading all the addictions books, mussar seforim or anything else. 

Mishimusho yosser milimudo (not sure anyone will be able to make out the pronunciation)

SMGW,

I honestly thought I was the only person who that type of atuff happens to.. thank you for your honesty.


What do you mean by "I trusted myself and not my God" - sounds cryptic - I don't really get it - trust what?

Jooboy wrote on 20 Jan 2011 15:49:


At first I thought you were talking about a dish at a Japanese restaurant (Mishimusho?)
but then I figured it out. No worries, we get what you're saying and it's so true n life