Hi Everyone, Nice to be part of this community.

I need some serious help
Without getting into too many details, I have been looking at porn on the computer and  m-bating for almost 15 years on a steady basis. This past year I have tried to stop as I realize this is out of line and can't continue. Yet I cant stop. Everyday I say I am starting anew yet I keep giving in again and again. I have used filters for the Net, but even when I get away from the computer I can spend hours fantasizing. When Im not looking at porn I am touching myself improperly. If Im not doing that then I am fantasizing Just today I spent  hours at work fantasizing about someone. I have done some horrible things because of this lust I dont even feel comfortable describing. I feel like absolute scum of the Earth and can not honestly think of one reason why God could care less about me. When I pray to him I feel like a faker. I really do want to stop but then when the feeling goes over me I cant stop. And then I regret it afterwards. And the cycle continues.

I am really not a bad person but  I need help and get myself out of this hole I dug myself into.

Please someone hear my cry! I need a way to stop.  I need a  real plan. Has anyone ever beat this thing and if so please tell me how. I am willing to try anything.

Thank you form the bottom of my heart

MovingUp,

Welcome.  Your post is a good start.  Turn to GOD and He will show you the way - it may not seem like it but He has a way or working things out to get us where we need to go.

From my experience the most powerful tool available to deal with this is the program of Sexaholics Anonymous.  I joined about 9 months ago and my life attitudes, marriage and how I feel about myself have improved dramatically.  I was nervous going to my first meeting, but I honestly wish I had done it 15 years ago, it would have saved me a lot of needless pain. 

This site is also a really good tool to help people find strategies to deal with lust addiction and get you in touch with others that have the same struggle.  I have about 10 years on you in terms of the addiction and there is hope - this can get better.

Jooboy, Thanks for the welcome.

what do you mean by turning to God? I pray to him daily but that doesnt seem to be helping this addiction. What do you mean by "Turn to GOD and He will show you the way"?

Also, as for the Sexaholics Anonymous I feel  embarrassed to do something public like that. I know I need some major overhaul but i dont think i'm ready for that. At the same time I just feel so sick with myself. What is it that they teach you there?

MovingUp

I know what you mean when you say that you feel like a faker.  One thing you need to know is that G-d is with you even when you are down in the depths.  In fact, my Rabbi told me that  "it is for the best" that you ended up so low.  Because when you call out to G-d from the depths, the quality of your calling to him will be so much better than the quality of someone who everything is going well for them.

Also, your soul, is holy no matter what.  There is nothing that you can do, that Hashem will not take you back from, with sincere teshuva.

Sign up for the Chizuk Emails(although they may be on hold till reb guard gets back from his trip)  they are a breath of fresh air every day.  This is a good start.  Also read through the old chizuk emails posted on the site.  They really clarify what is going on on this site.  Once you start to understand what is going on here, you will probably want to join the 90 day chart and track your progress.  There are alot of understanding people on this forum, and we have been through alot of what you are going through. 

There are lots of people who are here for you.  May Hashem Bless you in your struggle.

Hey,



Not cool. Don't be so hard on yourself!

There are some amazing people here that have done things that are much worse than P&M and they overcame it and they are wonderful people - real tzadikim. I had a hard time believing that our sins can become mitzvos but people here helped me see the truth behind this. Take Dov for example, he was addicted to sex and did terrible things but he got over it (he uses SA as a tool). I think that so many of us feel that we can do it because of him. The fact that he was deep in the mud and got out of it proves that we can do it too. Had he been clean all his life, we would not be able to accept that there is hope; we would feel helpless. His aveiros indirectly help us stay clean.

You can probably skip the first step . You realize that your life is unmanageable and that you are powerless over lust.

Best of luck!

What I mean is that I used to feel that it was my job to get over this addiction and I could just as God for a little assistance.  WRONG!

I don't have the power to do ANYTHING other than to make the choice to take the right actions and ask GOD to make them successful.  I don't have the power to overcome my obsession and compulsion, that is the realm of GOD.  The difference is fine and I didn't grasp it right away when coming into SA.  Once I got it down it does take off a lot of the pressure and I have been much more successful than when I thought I was the one making it happen.




Very understandable.  Almost every person in the meeting felt like that before they walked in and EVERY person who stays is now very comfortable.  It is a really friendly, loving, accepting and comfortable environment and I now have people I can discuss things that I can't talk about with anyone else on the planet (things I won't even share here).

I don't know much about your background or experiences but you mentioned this is going on for 15 years.  A few questions to consider.

In 15 years do you think no one has ever noticed that:
1) you often seem distracted
2)that you seem to notice women and other lust triggers
3) that you touch yourself at times
4) found that you were looking at porn (either saw you or your internet history)

I didn't do anything about my addiction for many years and eventually I ended up going to MANY places in public.  Of course I never thought anyone saw me, but I'm sure there must have been times that people did see or find out and I was just never aware.  And eventually I kept progressing in my risk taking that my wife actually walked into a room to see me sitting there looking at porn on the computer. 

Yes, very painful. 

Walking into SA where everyone's anonymity is guarded, much less so.

In SA you will learn not just about a program of recovery but how people actually implement and live it.  And even more than that is all the benefits of the fellowship and identification with other addicts.

If you have anymore questions about it let me know, I would be happy to answer them.

MovingUp wrote on 15 Jul 2010 04:39:


Fear no more.  Through GYE you can find some anonymous 12-step phone conferences.  (Another group by Duvid Chaim is starting up in about 2 weeks).  I can't recommend it enough (you'll see if you follow my latest posts  )

All the best.  Glad you've realized--you are a good person.

  --Eye.

Thank all you guys so much!! It really makes me feel better to see a community of people working together to fight the same problem. I feel like by fighting together we can beat it.!I put up the K9 filter on my laptop which I work from. Hopefully that is a start

Shmu - i will be signing up for the chizuk emails - what I have been reading from this site look great.

Installed - I dont mean to be hard on myself. Its just when ever I fall I start to feel bad about what I have done. I'm trying to work on that though

Jooboy - I guess it is possible that someone might have suspected but you know we all have a friend or two who we would never suspect of doing such a thing? Well i am one of those types of people -  that doesnt seem to fit the bill as someone who could ever even look at these things, let alone be addicted to porn, mb, fantasizing, touching etc. But I am. I just dont feel ready to go through with the SA meetings. But this idea of knowing that some of these  fights we can not win totally on our own and have to leave up to G-d  sounds interesting.

Eye - I am going to check out your posts. That idea of having meetings on the phone sounds amazing for me.

It is out of control and I need to stop it before it ruins my life. It also doesnt help that aside from what I listed about myself I have some other totally messed up lust issues

Thanks again everybody for your kind words and advice

Hi MovingUp
Welcome, you have taken a big step by joining us, well done.

I'm fairly new here and am still battling with fantasies. To totally overcome this problem takes time.
If you've been at it for fifteen years, you can't undo it in a day, a week or a month.
All you can do is win right now. Right now I am not falling, so I am winning!
What happened in the past is in the past and cannot be changed, the future never really gets here, tomorrow is always the day after today.
All you have control of is “Now” and that’s all that matters.

“I feel like absolute scum of the Earth” – Would you say that someone who is sick is scum?
I once spoke to a rabbi about a problem I was having with my mother. We could not hold a decent conversation. Our relationship was terrible at the time. He told me about his mother who has Alzheimer’s and could not control what she said. Once I realised my mother had an ‘illness’, I came to see that she had no control over the horrible things she said which changed our relationship totally. Because she was not intentionally hurting me, I no longer became defensive or upset by what she said and things started improving straight away.
Lust addiction is a sickness. You said that once you get going you cannot stop but you feel guilty afterwards, indicating that when you are thinking clearly, when you are yourself you would not do it.
In the beginning of your recovery, you cannot expect to be 100% clean all the time. Every single time you don’t follow your urge is a victory. Every time you merely delay acting on an urge is a big step in the right direction.
Don’t judge yourself by your failures, judge yourself by your victories.

When you pray to God, focus on how much good you’ve done.
“Dear God, Today I was victorious for 3 minutes. With your help, tomorrow it will be 10 minutes”.
Do you think the best athlete in the world beats himself up every time he runs a practice race and does not equal his world record?
Today, I ran at full steam for 6 seconds, maybe tomorrow it will be 7 seconds, maybe next month for the entire race!

What really works for me is distraction – if you sit and focus for 3 minutes on not falling and how bad you are, you’ll go crazy.
Rather distract yourself, see how quickly you can run around the block. Find someone to help with something, find a hobby.

Today, I want you to forgive yourself.
You are not the same person you were before you started taking action against this sickness and you have already won the biggest battles of all – opening up to other people and facing you addiction.

Wow, I didn’t mean to write a novel here, just letting all my ideas out.

ToAdd.

This ought to be the link for info about Duvid Chaim's phone conference:

www.guardyoureyes.org/?page_id=678

Moving Up,

A very warm welcome!

I can tell from your choice of scree name that you have joined with all the best intentions. I then read your post and identified immedeately. Do not worry, as everyone else has said - you are not alone. If you start to use this site in the right way, you will realise that you will have all the support and love you need to get on the right track.

Read lots, post lots, get a sponsor and a buddy or two, join the Wall - for sure, join a phone conference if you feel it helps, think about starting the 12 steps - the more time you spend on these things the less time you will have for shmutz!!

You have done the absolutely right think by joining this community, Ashreicha, and again welcome.

If you ever need a chat or anything, give me a shout,

your friend

Haleivi

Guys again thank you so much for the feedback. Knowing that there's a whole group of people fighting this battle.... its a wonderful thing!!

Eyenonymous thanks for the link! Unfortunately my lunch break at work does not coincide with the time of the phone group so there goes that... :'(

ToAdd - that was an incredible post. Get yourself a book deal that was terrific!! I reread it three times already!

Haleivi  - thanks for the advice and i might take you up on your offer. It feels good to talk with guys going through similar issues.

Thanks and have a great shabbos!!

I don't know if the page about the phone conference was updated, but in the next cycle there is hopefully going to be an 8:30EST group besides the noon one.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 17 Jul 2010 19:07:


Do you mean 830 in the morning or at night? Night I think I could do but Im guessing you mean morning..

Also is there is some type of online SA group on this forum? I seem to remember hearing that but I can't remember where I saw it.

Thanks

K so i finally decided today that Im ready to join an SA group, but now Im not so sure. Because  right now, for example, Im not feeling especially aroused, no taiva whatever. But I want to get that feeling. Part of me wants to go to those sites to get that good feeling back.

I say I want to improve but I think this may be a sign Im not as serious about it as I thought. Does anyone have any clue what Im talking about?