Completely forgot today but last night was clean and I went to bed 130 instead of 230 or 3. What it definately did help with though was that I got the courage and decided to go back and learn at the kollel again today.

@SB:
My relationship with my father is great and i speak to him whenever he has the time. He actually told me a couple of days ago that he struggles with the same thing and told me he feels guilty because he thinks that its his fault that it was passed on to me. He was the one who directed me to this site. He told me that he thinks that he should also be doing all this stuff that I've committed myself to dealing with for the next couple of months.

Regarding my mother sometimes i have doubts but i do realize that a lot of the time she does these things completely unintentionally, not because she wants you to feel a certain way but because thats what she is feeling at the time. She doesn't realize what she does. usually if she didn't get enough sleep etc. or if no one listens to her or if she is getting agitated by what you are doing.

Signing off for the day/night. Today was a bit better. Only fell once i think. Joined a 90 day accountability group hopefully that will help me stay in line. Sleep well guys.

I'm not talking about blame, and I'm sure she doesn't mean to hurt you. But the fact is that your relationship with her is not a positive one, overall, if she makes you feel like dirt.

Maccabee wrote on 12 May 2010 23:06:


Every person is different, i suppose. I certainly agree with you that simply fighting without working on the deeper issues, or having someone good to talk to, open up to, and help you, is probably not going to help long-term. But I'm not sure why you feel that you couldn't do all those things while still in yeshiva...?

in particular, I'm confused about why you feel that you can pay more attention to this issue when you're not in yeshiva. It would seem to me that being at home would offer more free time - so, more chance to fall, more chance of boredom, more chance to feel unaccomplished (unless your day is full of doing things that help you feel satisfied, but it doesn't sound like that's happening. Did you have a clear plan before you left yeshiva?).

I don't mean to pry (and you can respond via PM, if you'd prefer), but if I had to guess, I would say that there were probably other factors involved in your leaving yeshiva...?




Guitar is fun. In the meantime, though...your instrument is difficult - do you enjoy it?

Woke up late today  I mean really late. And didn't go to kollel because they ended seder in an hour...now it's finished. But looking hopeful to a good day. Should i put my name up on the official 90 day list? Like on of you said before it sounds as though my YH is afraid that i actually might beat him.

you should put yourself on the 90 day list, it is really nice to see how many days you have accumulated or how long of a streak you are on, i am on it and i find that even if it does not help it will certainly not hurt! keep it up!

I found that the 90 day list helps, even though we focus on one day at a time. It's good to be able to keep track of your progress.

I fell today after two days. I had a good attitude the last two days but I woke up this morning at five thirty after a terrible nightmare and was half asleep and not exactly in control (in my opinion). Next half of this post coming when I get to a computer.

Maccabee wrote on 12 May 2010 03:41:


Mac, I'm going back to your very first post on this thread. I see something you said you are SURE is wrong yet keeps coming back. "I can act out... because it's not a failure of mine but rather what Hashem did to me."

Some guys here would jump all over you, saying it's your Y'H and not Hashem, or it's your own lack of strength, or something else. I'm willing to take your "wrong" notion and say it may indeed be true...

Maybe this IS what Hashem did to you!!

I've certainly suffered (and suffered and suffered) over the years with that same notion. And I'm not ready to believe it was all a lie. BUT... even if it IS true that He "did" it IN THE PAST, it doesn't mean He's expecting you to keep it going FROM THIS MOMENT ON.

After all, somehow this same Hashem arranged it so you ended up here. So maybe He's ready to accept something different from you now. Maybe He's now on your side to change the old patterns. Maybe you just need to get it all going, then let Him help you with the rest of the journey.

If I'm saying anything that you find relevant to your own situation, and I'm not just projecting my own baggage for which I apologize profusely, it means... you've got a clear direction about where to head. So the only issue would be HOW to do it, and NOT whether you're able to wake up from the past fantasy of hopelessness in your cause.

Maybe He's already on your side to win the battle, and you just need to lift your hands (maybe like Moshe in the desert, or maybe more literally lift your hands above your waist again ) and get busy.

Does any of this make sense? Or, am I only speaking to myself....

Hi,

Bruit, may I also project my own luggage. I have the same problem. Yes, I feel i can't accomplish. For instance, I have so much to do and yet I browse the internet loooking for inspiration, then I grab a book and then old photos and so on, until... juhu rock bottom.

To be honest, I have the same problem right now. This why I am here, because I have this problem, but I want to be clean.

Man I am like you. Use the 12 steps, because otherwise it gets to painful. Man, we can't afford self-pity. Forget the past; I am thinking, Hashem brought me here for a reason. Maybe my reason is to write these lines: JOURNEY FORTH, HE MADE YOU TO PERFORM A MITZVAH.

Maybe it's all bull in this world, but it feels so good to truly smile! I wish you joy and beauty, may your heart smile again until evey cell in your body smiles.

May Hashem protect and guide us!

Thanks you two. Hashgocha protis briut but that maaseh of m"r was my bm parsha

;D

How are you doing today?

Maccabee wrote on 24 May 2010 16:53:

Well, if the image of Moshe Rabbeinu leading the battle was your Bar Mitzvah parsha, it is an interesting "coincidence" that those words came from my mouth.

And of course I was only half jesting about the double meaning -- if his hands were above his shoulders then by definition they were far above his bris. Maybe we could all learn from there that if we're trying to inspire victory, our hands have to be a little more upright than we've allowed them to slip....

Whatever the case: Keep going, my friend, we're all gonna be there on the other side of this to greet Moshiach.

Maybe there's a way to put this at the beginning of a new thread and if there are any Moderators reading this please do so. I've started a new thread in Break Free called Maccabee's War and would like to continue the conversation there.
Thanks you guys I love you!!