Very insightfull letter

Dovek, keep going hour by hour , 24 hours makes it a full day. Just repeat that again & again
Ur recent post shows a very clear blue print, that along with ur strong commitment is super fuel for ur pure soul & that will help u truck away

all i can say is wow.

Dovek, hayom yom ?????
Plz add day on day, slowly u will have built up the entire western wall
Hang in with us, u give gr8 chizak to all of us

JIP: Hayom yom shelishi b-shabbos... where were you at Shacharis this morning??!!


(btw... I'm on day 8 and going strong). I will post my thoughts -bli neder- before I go to bed... when I'm too tired to realize I'm ranting...



Baruch Elokeinu, shebaranu lichvodo

Dovek.  Fageddaboud one day at a time.  Fageddaboudit.  One 1/2 hour at a time sometimes.  Oooy, It's such beautiful avoida.  Like davening one word at a time.

Keep stacking those hours up.  Just reading your thread opens me up.

Cool tov  8)

Chevra,

It is very late and I think I might even be too tired to rant. Let me just say this:

I really do love everyone here and I want everyone to remember that Hashem really loves everyone here too... he really does. No matter how many times you have fallen or how many days you have been clean... no matter how long the journey is before you... please look up - straight ahead - and tell me what you see. You see the faint picture of HaKadosh Baruch Hu, your dearest father. and no matter how far away that picture is, he is standing with his arms wide open and a big smile on his face. He is excited for your return and he can't wait to give you the hug that only the most loving, most proud father can possibly give. I know. It is an exciting image. So exciting that you might start to run. Don't - I wouldn't want you to trip and hurt yourself. Take slow, cautious steps because there are many stones along the way. Just know, as you take steps forward, that the warm embrace of HaKadosh Baruch Hu is waiting for you to welcome you into his heichal, to welcome you back home.

Min Hameitzar Karati Ka - we have all cried out from the deepest of depths. Anani B-Merchav ka - G-d will answer with 'arms open wide'.
On to Day 9. Small Steps toward G-d's embrace.

Thank you for that touching post.

beautiful, Dovek, just beautiful.
thanks

Soooo much stress today. I need to focus and I need to concentrate on school but I feel like the only way I can possibly focus is if I... do that thing that has calmed me down for the past 10 years of my life!

It will mean starting again from day 1. But it will also mean being able to finally relax and focus on my schoolwork. I need good grades. They are very important to me and my future. Why can't I just fall now, relax (finally!) and then be back where I started in only 9 days from now. It's not like I'm that high up the ladder already. It won't hurt too badly if I fall. I really really need this. This feels so much worse than the past nine days... I really can't focus. ALL I want to do is give in, do my thing and release all the stress and worries that have been bringing me down.

It would feel soo good. I know it would. And I would relax. And I would be able to concentrate better. And, yes, I would do better in school....

But I would also walk away from the experience feeling like my grades, my work, my efforts are worthless. I will walk away feeling so lost and having no direction. I will feel empty, dirty and worthless.

I think this is worth the effort. I will stay clean today.

Dovek, we r all here alongside ur struggle,if u keep above water we also won, so have that in mind,truck away

Wow! Your last two posts are so beautiful, so real.  Thank you.  Just amazing chizuk.

Nu, sohow about comparing how you felt while you were wriing each of your last two posts.  It's so wonderful for me/us to reat how clearly you know the difference.

The problem, I understand only too well myself, is that there's no bichira without the pull of the yetzer.  And we must not wrestle with the yh.  That's just the yh talking to us when we're already possessed by the yetzer.  It's so difficult once the rush has entered our bodies.

Addictions that make the goof feel good are really hard.  When shmiras eynayim/bris are going along ok, boom, I start stuffing my face. Just an addiction shift.  Same yetzer, same pride. But it is, after all, my guyvah that I think that I have to do it all myself--to take matters into my own hands, so to speak--because nobody else is there for me, to soothe me.  I completely forget the tears I shed when Hashem came and swept me in His Love and sheltered me under His wing so I knew everything was going to be ok.  Even if I didn't get what I was asking for.  It would still be ok.  Gam zoo l'toyvah.  I'd learn a bigger lesson, a more important lesson than getting what I wanted, because at the end of the day what I really want is to come closer to Him. And not getting what I wanted also comes with understanding that the ego bashing I take ended up with my feeling closer.  When I'm outside being possessed, it's so obvious.  Just Jump over to Hashem and I'll feel safe again, reassured again, loved again.  So simple.  Hard for me to do all the time.

You did such an incredible thing by not acting out in the heat of all that tension when you were studying.  Whether you get good grades or not over this short term, you are headed in the direction to become the kind of Yid you always wanted to be, struggling, but close.  And this will shine out to everybody who meets you.  You'll be more b'simcha, looser, no secrets, more loving.  And this will take you maybe even farther than just good grades.  Both would be nice, though, for sure

We are proud of your honesty and hard work.

dovek...i also feel really stressed now for hundreds and hundreds of reasons. my growth in limudei kodesh has been very difficult lately. my grades in english havent been good....etc etc etc etc etc. reasons upon reasons. but seeing that you are pushing through your stress and are trucking along....i will keep pushing no matter how painful it is.

Hey Dovek,

Thanks so much for finding me. I can’t tell you how glad I am that I found you here. So much of what you are writing really strike home for me.

I just caught myself up on your entire post and it was an amazing experience. More than once my eyes were wet with tears.  Its so impressive to me to see the way you are so seriously fighting and commiting yourself to coming closer to Hshem – and it remind me that I have to redouble my own efforts to never be Me’siach Da’as from the unbelievable relationship that I can be having with hashem and the journey to make the connection grow stronger and stronger.  I am really trying to take a lesson for myself from what the heros of GYE have already noticed, your honesty which is so pure and real and your own deep sensitivity to spirituality and the unique relationship that you and all of us have with H’shem.  It’s a guide for me to try to tune into my own. 

I’ve been especially caught up in the last 9/10 days – the struggles that you’ve been having everyday and the new perspective that you try to take in fighting that y’h each day is awesome (I thing lowercase letters might be suitable for the Melech Zaken U’ksil ). I’m pretty sure you read my post a few mornings ago about how I was going out of my mind all morning with the pain that I was inevitably going to fall pretty soon. I was actually spending the morning learning, and I even went to a shuir, and all the time I kept having obsessive thoughts about what would happen when I got back to my room in just a few hours. I so badly wished I could be free of this terrible obsession and just focus myself fully on connecting to the Torah and to H’shem, but  I was seriously obsessed and couldn’t wait to get back to me room and to be alone to finally give in. It was so painful to know that I was killing myself, but yet I just wanted to do it. I seriously walked towards my room knowing 100% that once I closed the door I would have no chance – I was doomed. Did I tell you the ending?  GYE SAVED MY LIFE  -  It was a miracle for me that the wisdom and support of GYE helped me to BS”D get over that pain and get back in touch with what I and we all are really aiming for – as you so succinctly put it – to be Davekbashem. 

I see in your posts so much fight and I’m gonna say a special tefillah for you tonight  (B”N).  Its so amazing though what you’ve been doing these past 9/10 days to constantly be fighting and posting and coming up with new ways and new perspectives to keep up the fight.  You’ve done so much for me, and I’m sure for many others also –

Keep on chasing after the 4th mitzvah t’midis (Le’ahavo / Le’dabek Bo) – keep up the inspiring posts, and don’t forget that you have a whole crew of people that can give chizuk back to  you also

  Yours truly,

      Mattis (they used to just call me “thanks”)