Tzadik! You are one hundred percent correct. When I resist the yetzer I feel cleaner, stronger, closer to Hashem and more worthy of learning his Torah. I feel more confident when I sit down to learn, when I speak Torah to others. I feel like I remember his Torah better, like it is more often on my lips and in my mind. I feel immersed in the world of kedusha and ratzon hashem. I feel exposed to the most beautiful gift ever given to man - the ability to truly see Hashem in this world and to understand the ratzon of our creator. I feel elevated. I feel privileged.

Wow... Now I feel stupid for ever letting the yetzer take that all away from me! Remind me of this post every now and then - because my yetzer harah seems to have control over my memory as well.

It is late at night. I am in bed. Happy at the end of a clean day one!

Thank you GYE. Thank you to the chevra. Thank you G-d for giving me a clean day.

I really hope to post every day this time, sharing my thoughts and my feelings... and I really hope to take it day-by-day.  Looking forward to just one more clean day tomorrow... and then just one more after that.

As we say here KEEP ON TRUCKING BROTHER!

you have it in you.
even if you dont have any feeling about anything, posting still helps, just to check in.
you are truly dovek bahashem

Alone working on the computer tonight. This is when it gets really tough. Stress mounts, tiredness sets in...

I am reading my previous posts and reminding myself how good I will feel tomorrow if I make it through the night and how terrible I would feel if I don't. I remember, many months ago, I came to the realization that alone time is not really time to be alone - it's quality time to have with you and Hashem - with no one else interrupting. I'm gonna spend this time with Hashem... and with all of you... and I won't, chas v-shalom, push Hashem away by inviting more garbage into my mind and my life. It's been too long. I've had enough of it already!

ive been in those situations before, sometimes i fell and sometimes i passed.....the feeling of when you pass is unbeleivible....it also changes you and stregthens you

DB, I'm keeping u a seat next to me here, u can't afford the falls, ur smile will instantly go off, come on gimmy a hug
We are all proud of ur welcome back here , u deserve somtin better than this filth, hashem is with u I see it clearly otherwise u won't even make it back on track here
Keep us inspired and be inspired by other, give & take chizak it takes both to challenge this addiction

I just saw this note lying on the floor near my desk:

NOTE TO DB:
    I NEED YOU CLEAN.
    THANKS.
          - HASHEM.

And PS: I think He means it. Which means He'll help you get there. Oh, what a ride you'll have, too.

Dear Hashem,

I appreciate the note but I thought you would know where I lived by now!

Luckily, you taught the doc a thing or two about hashavas aveida... thanks Hashem.

(still clean. Day 3)

It would be really nice to actually chat with members of GYE the way we can chat on msn, aol, gchat, facebook etc.

Note to GYE: Is there any way to create that on this site? We can already see whether people are on-line and we can see what they are looking at on the site but we cannot actually TALK to them. The PM's are really great but they don't seem to be that different from e-mails. Does anyone think an instant messaging system would be possible? It would be amazing for me to be able to really talk to my friends on this site in times when I am slipping or falling.

For now, this rant is doing the job of distracting me from slipping!

DB, that was discussed here once & i am all in for that as a matter of fact i use gcaht for that & already said in the "im about to fall" thread that whoeer feels thay need to get a urgent chat can always try to catch me  on "jewinpain" on google talk

keep strong my holy yid, u r our inspiration of the week, yes u really are u finally came back to us

good shabbos

Thanks JIP. How can I catch you on google talk? Is that just gchat or is it something else? Do I need an e-mail address of yours to find you? Do I have to make a new account to keep myself anonymous?

Many people have mentioned my "coming back," implying that I disappeared for a while. I just want to explain what I was doing over the summer months that I disappeared.

I was telling myself that I would fight this addiction on my own. I was coming home every night (seriously, every night!!) and falling. I felt like a failure and I was frankly too ashamed to come back to all the holy Jews on this site. I was almost trying to figure out how to live life with my addiction. Then, at the end of the summer, I decided to keep on m**b in order to avoid p** at any cost. I did this, avoiding p**, for about 2 weeks. Then I decided to m**b out of the picture too. This lasted for maybe another two weeks. I feel a couple of times after Yom Kippur. A couple times more by the end of succos and by the time the holidays were over and we were back to real life - I was down in the dumps and couldn't get up.

At first, I left because I was too ashamed. Then I decided I would only come back when I had a long clean streak to report. Now, I realize that I need all of you to help me reach that streak and that I am not reporting my journey to you guys - I am making you all a part of it.

In terms of not feeling worthy to be among all of you - The Rambam lists a mitzvah de-oraisah l-hidavek b-talmidei chachamim because that is part of because "dovek bashem". Worthy or not, I need you all as friends in order to reach my goal of being dovek bashem.

Today is Day 4. The urge is stronger than the past three days. I'm finding it hard to concentrate on my learning or my studies. Just knowing you all are listening gives me chizuk - I know I will stay clean today.
Shabbat Shalom.

day 4. wow! what an acheivment. and yes, i know its hard!    but keep on trucking. try to keep youself busy. do you have jewish music, sometimes it helps me.
whatever you do, your only goal is just to keep clean tonight. tomoroow is too far away to think about. tell yourself that you want to keep clean just for tonight.

Good week DB, hope ur shabbos was holy and peaceful, remember there is no reason to be ashamed of anyone and anything as long as u know ur errors and working on correcting them, hashem don't want us angels, we r human with faults and we gotta sort them out, keep tight with us, u will get there, u r young and have a full life ahead of u