Good to see you again!

how about for the sake of living, period? This addiction will kill me - and it will certainly kill the "me" that I want to be!

hi Dovek,
nice to see you here
all the best
zs

SB,

It will definitely kill me too if it hasn't already. It's like I become a completely different person in moments of lust with completely different priorities in life. Then, when it is all over, I realize how much I hate that person and - to be honest - how much I hate myself for being that person.

Here's to hoping things can change.... because if they can't, life just isn't worth living. I'm starting again right now from Day 1. Wow, this really is an impossible process. I have to try even harder, even if it hurts.

dovekbashem wrote on 18 Jan 2011 18:20:

hi Dovek,
please take my two cents in the spirit they are given.
you don't need to try 'harder'
you should consider trying something 'different'...

i think many of us here thought for a long time that if we only would try harder we would rid ourselves of the problem. but that did not work.
we need to learn the correct tactics
GYE is full of people and resources
and most of all: daven and talk to Hashem

rooting for you
zs

Hey everybody,

I have been out for a while and I really missed you guys. I have decided not to do as much posting this time around and to focus more on building personal relationships (through PM) with all the extremely kadosh people on this site. I would love for anyone who wants to talk or do this journey together to drop me a PM. I promise (bli neder) to respond as soon as possible.

Today is Day 6. I am in my room with my computer and its shutting off right after this post. I am feeling good today. My learning was good today. I do have that desire to spend the next couple of hours indulging in my favorite pastime and there is this really annoying voice in the back of my head saying "So you'll start a new clean streak tomorrow... what's the big deal?" G-d I hate that voice. I just turned to the annoying little sucker and reminded him that it isn't about the clean streak... it's about the act. I hate the act. It disgusts me. It makes me feel worthless and it sucks all the purpose out of my life. I yell at the voice saying "How dare you even suggest that an eved haKadosh Baruch hu spend even one second wasting away to p** and m**b. My existence is to serve Hashem, to get closer to Hashem, to be metaken the world around me and to build relationships with people. I can't do any of that if I let myself waste away in front of a p***-filled screen. How dare you even suggest it!"

He's gone now. I must have scared him away. Let's all grow together and come out of this mess together. I really admire everyone here and appreciate all the support and the chizuk. Thank you

You say that it hurts. And is there a part of us that misses the pleasure? Of course. But even with a just a few days clean, you can focus on how good it feels. The pleasure that you get from being the person you want to be is greater and deeper, and longer-lasting than the pleasure of falling.

Dov talks about loving yourself no matter what - accept yourself as the person you are, who is working on changing. He may be misguided, and make foolish choices sometime, but you still love him, and work to find ways to help him (you) out. Find ways to save him.

Building relationships is good, but I do feel that posting helped me a lot, simply because when i post regularly, it forces me to think on a regular basis (gasp!). I need to think about what I'm feeling, how I'm doing, why I'm doing this...I need to get to know myself a bit.

hi dovek, good to see you here

SB gave you some really good ideas (as he is wont to do )

excuse my bluntness, but do you have a filter on your computer? it can act as a barrier of sorts and make accessing anything bad a little harder. accountability software is an added layer of protection.

keep up your great work, by working and moving up you pull all of us up and up

Day 7 today. Thinking seriously about looking for p*** and falling tonight. Then again, I am worth so much more than that. My learning was amazing today and I know that it can taste as sweet tomorrow if I just get a grip and stop listening to that stupid voice.

Hashem, I am worth so much more as your eved. That is what I will be.

Good night stupid voice. I'm not listening anymore.

DB what a beautiful post. Continued Hatzlacha.

All you guys are so wonderful. I've been fighting a silent, but losing battle for so long. It's great to hear so much determination and resolve permeating from these posts. It's amazing how in just a few days my attitude has been transformed from "I am such a low life. I am not worth anything" to "I am so lucky to be part of such a special group of people who are taking punch after punch yet fighting to live another day, to continue to grow. People who refuse to give in and have been chosen by Hashem to struggle through this battle, but they themselves have chosen to overcome and conquer." What a difference!!
Mi K'amcha Yisrael!!!!!

there is a story with the Bobover Rebbe R' Shlomo zy'a

A man once came to him crying about his son who had fallen in with some bad friends and all the father's pleas to stay away from them did not get through to his son.

The Rebbe asked the man to bring his son in to talk to him. The Rebbe asked the boy if he knows the meaning of the word "ותמגר", which we say in the bracha of ולמלשינים. The boy had no idea what it meant.

The Rebbe said "I don't know what it means either. But if you look at the words around it - תעקר ותשבר ותכניע  - it seems pretty obvious that it is some type of destruction." The boy got the message.

Conversely, if you like it here it means you are part of the good stuff!

Zs,
You reminded when you quoted the story, of the man who went to the Satmer Rav (I think) and told him frantically " My son is a Meshugena!!" When the Rebbe asked why he responded "He is eating Chazir and hanging around with Zonos!!!"
The Rebbe smiled and replied "If he was eating Zonos and hanging out with Chazir, then he would be Meshuga. Now, he's dealing with a Yetzer Hara, and we'll help him get through it."

Very Insightful Indeed

Your will is strong, and you have beautiful horizons. Your thoughts of your future being an oved HaShem with your family is a koach that you can draw into the present.


The redemption from Mizrayim (mezarim - straits and narrow places) started with HaShem saying My Name is Ekye - I will be, even twice over - Ekye Asher Ekye - I will be who I will be.
Then Hashem said YKVK - from the word Hoveh - NOW


The wonderful plan that HaShem had for Am YIsrael was to worship HIM, on Har Sinai, but this future light needed to be actualized and brought into the present, and into action.


I would continue to add colour and detail to your future dreams - see your kids around you as you make kiddush, envision your grandchildren stealing your afikomen.


Feel so proud, so strong yet soft and loving.


When you have a clear sensation along with your imagination, bring this power into your daily life, perhaps seeing how you push away bad thoughts with sweet and holy ones.


Chazak veEmatz - May your fountain of strength well up from deep inside, with HaShem's help

Your a frekin hero. Seriously. I want to shake your hand. Hay, maybe I did this shabbos and I'll never know. It is awe inspiring to think of the spiritual heroism that goes on undercover!

Chaim,

I almost cried just reading your post. I haven't been back on this site in a while and have had about a month of fall after fall after fall. I installed a filter in the beginning of the summer, but then when things became too much I managed to find a couple of sites that the filter didn't pick up on and they have been keeping me in the dumps ever since. I just requested a temporary password to make necessary changes with the filter gabbai. I will make those changes tomorrow and get back on track.

But I was having so much fun! I was enjoying it and it felt soo goood! So why stop? Why filter out those moments of pleasure? Because I read your post. Because I'd rather deserve every second on this earth than to waste it on such stupid "pleasure". Because I have a holy purpose on this earth that I've been neglecting over the past few weeks.

I realize that I have really fallen into a depression. There is this voice inside of me that just keeps crying and I couldn't figure out why. It is the voice of G-d. He lost me. He had such high hopes for me and expected so much of me. That's why he put me here on earth.... and, so far, I've seriously let him down.

No more. I'm back. Day one starts now. You all have no idea how much I thank you.

I hope to post more this time around.