dovekbashem wrote on 04 Apr 2010 19:59:


Dear Dovek, sounds like you are following the advice of the handbooks, which suggests making "red lines" that we feel can can handle, and conquering one territory at a time... Also, by cutting down as much as we can, slowly but surely, more and more... Great ideas.

But if this strategy doesn't help us get to a total stop at some point down the line, then we need to try more drastic tools... as outlined in the handbooks.

May Hashem help you find true freedom and be zoche to true kabalas haTorah!

guardureyes wrote on 05 Apr 2010 23:08:


Wait!! When Dovek says:
"I think that looking at p**n has to be a definite NEVER, even if I have to succumb to self-gratification to avoid it,"
is Guard really replying that taking a step at a time can be a workable approach? I had figured that P** & M** were sorta must-do steps or nothing counted. Taking on P** before tacking M** would be a piece of cake for me (I think, Bli Eyen Hara Pooh pooh pooh), and might give me the chizuk/koach I need to move higher.

I guess I sorta missed this heter in the guidebooks. Am I missing something??

Just wanted to let everyone know, this is Day 1 of a new clean streak. I am going back to school (away from home) and that should make things a little easier. At home, I am alone too often and am hanging out all day in the place where the teenage me first got into this mess. I really hope to be able to control myself this time. It will not be easy. I keep trying to justify it to myself - "Just one more time" "I can start my clean streak tomorrow"... the YH can be sooo convincing sometimes, just please keep reminding me to tune him out.

Thanks everybody. Much luck!

"New day, new man."

Of course, assuming you don't let that new-ness and strange-ness and unfamiliar-ness to tempt you into one of those places where you feel so familiar and warm and ... DON'T DO IT!

As I said: new day, new man. 

I bentsch you that Hashem should make your new school setup rewarding and enjoyable and successful. And easy.

Thank you so much!

First Night of my first day. I was in my apartment alone for a while tonight and had a major major slip up.... but, in the end, I didn't fall!

Note to self: No using internet when the roommates aren't home. No locking the door to any room in which I am using internet.

I'm going to look back on this slip as a good thing. Whatever doesn't kill me should only make me stronger!

Briut wrote on 07 Apr 2010 16:12:


See tool #7 of the handbook...

dovekbashem wrote on 08 Apr 2010 02:56:

Dovekelleh: Wow. This is impressive. While I'm sorry you found yourself so quickly in a situation where you were alone in a new apt, I'm very happy that you found a way to keep it together. And happier still to see that you found a lesson in this.

When you say, "note to self," I wonder if you wouldn't want to really keep those notes as a real notebook. Sounds to me like a wonderful "Step" to write down, and far more customized than the generic "Steps" in the generic handbooks.  Just a thought... (that I should absorb for myself as well...).

And Guard: Sorry but I've been reading "Tool 7" as a huge bdi'eved for nebbachs who can't swim in the deep end. I thought 90 days was a key 1st step. Even the links cited in that Tool seemed that way. I want to give serious thought to my view of "all or nothing" and taking a more stepped approach. Without feeling like a bdi'eved for a nebbach who might fail at the gold standard....

Briut wrote on 08 Apr 2010 13:28:


Notice that the 90 days is tool #8, which is AFTER #7 

guardureyes wrote on 08 Apr 2010 19:35:


Dang, Guard!
Thanks!
So often I need that 101st review before I get the pshat.
I'll go back to confirm, but I THINK I've got it now....  7<8....

I was using my computer in bed last night where I have no internet connection. Then, out of nowhere, I realized that I had internet connection for the first time ever. I lost control and the rest is history.

That puts me back to Day 1 after a 2-day streak. I just can't understand why G-d would add on this nisayon after he sees I'm making the effort and setting up fences. I don't get internet there! Why would G-d give me internet at that time??

Frustrated, confused, and, once again, ashamed,

Dovek

dovekbashem wrote on 09 Apr 2010 13:38:


Huh? "I was using my computer in bed...."  Huh???

And then you wonder why G-d was testing you....
(Or perhaps the Y'H was calling to you.)
(Or perhaps G-d SENT the Y'H your way for reasons we can only imagine.)
Hmmnnn.

So, I hope you can hear this in the loving and admiring way I mean this, but... who was testing Whom?

At least now you know what to do (and not do) for next time. No laptops in bed, no computer use in private, no leaving the wifi finder on... whatever you need to do. (Oh, and did anyone say, no unfiltered computers?)

Another victory for your progress, another long-term bruise to the Y'H. And you can brush yourself off and move on to the next victory.

It took me a long to to own up to this but I can't trust myself on a computer. I NEED a filter to live life. If I don't have a filter I go to pieces, I am toast, I am a zombie, or whatever metaphor you want to use. Getting a filter was not a matter of chizuk it was being honest with myself about where I am holding. I plan to get webchaver soon.

Before I would give chizuk I would ask you to get a filter and loose the password. Also webchaver is a great thing.

Often Hashem sends us tests we can't resist precisely when we are putting in effort - and because we are putting in effort. He does this to help us progress on our journey faster, to help us realize a few things:
1) The fences we put up are not adequate. So we do even more effort and put in better fences and filters, etc... adding to our progress.
2) It makes us think, "do I really want to change"? or am I just "forcing myself" by making lots of fences.
3) It makes us realize our powerlessness and become more dependant on Hashem.

All 3 of these are progress. So ignore the fall, and take the "gift" of new awareness into your arsenal!  :D

Well said, Briut.

In particular, the idea that by learning from this fall, you can use it as an opportunity to grow.

Keep on rocking!

I was really nervous about friday - my Day 1 - because it meant spending a good few hours in my apartment alone before shabbat without all that much to do. Here is what I did to make Day 1 a success:
1. Before heading home to my apartment, I made a shvua (the real, formal scary kind) that I would not open my computer in my apartment until motzei shabbat.

Then I arrived. I would never be over on a shvua de-oraisah, so taking out my computer was out of the question, but I had the same urge I have always had to "celebrate" my being alone and to ma**bate.

I turned to G-d, and I said the following tefillah:
Dear G-d,
For the past NINE years (!!!) of my life, I have always used the private, intimate moments that we have together to turn away from you - not towards you. Whenever the door was closed, whenever the family went to sleep, whenever the roommates left for the night, I would turn my head and heart away from your grasp and escape into my own world of lust and sexual desire. G-d, I don't want that anymore. In these most private moments that we have together, I truly want to spend them with you.
G-d, I cannot control my sexual desires, I cannot fight my yetzer harah. But you can. I know that even though I have not been the greatest son in the world, you still cherish these private moments as much as I do. YOU fight my sexual desires. YOU battle my yetzer harah. I know that you can and, more importantly, I know that you want to as much as I want you to.

Friends, I closed my eyes for a few quiet moments and that was all it took. I spent the next two hours before shabbos ALONE in my apartment, learning G-d's Torah and appreciating the time we had together.

I realized that it has been NINE!!! years (since I was in 7th grade) since I last had time alone that was not spent lusting in some form or another. This was the most enlightening, uplifting experience I have had in a long time. I realized that alone time is an opportunity to reflect on life and to cherish your relationship with the ribbono shel olam and I realized how stupid I have been to use such valuable time to escape life and destroy that prized relationship. It would be like a husband ignoring his wife completely in the few, precious moments of intimacy between them! It just makes no sense!

I know, this is only Day 2 and I have a long way to go but I thank hakadosh BH for this incredible realization and I can't wait for more of those precious moments we will have together.

Sorry this was so long, but thanks to all for listening.