silentbattle wrote on 25 Jan 2010 05:37:
aryehtahor wrote on 24 Jan 2010 22:21:


Not with that line, SB 

-Yiddle

You are absolutely correct.
Check out the thread, and see if it helps.

Wow, unbelievable thread. Yeah that definitely puts some things in perspective. Next time I think I'm going to look at p*** I will read about who I'm looking at first. It's all so corrupt and disgusting and horrible, I just don't want anything to do with it. Also, when I was looking for a prostitute and I called up some women, probably the most revolting thing was just interacting with such low-iives and seeing how they treated me, the potential customer. Suffice to say it's a whole world of misery, certainly not a place for nice Yidden like us. When we surf the internet for p***, we are tacitly involving ourselves in that world.

Boruch Haboh!
Welcome to our family!
What works for me in that situation is not only davening for that other person but recognising that its possible that Hashem placed this in front of me so that I could pray for them.

The 2 basic ideas that work for m in that situation are ,
1. Recognising that I have lost it completely and only hashem can help me now I must give myself to him 100 percent.
2. I focus on helping other people  either in their struggles with addiction or in any way possible, I just need to get rid of my crazy ego.
3. Getting on to Gye and telling people or my mentor how I feel, and trying to be empathetic with others in their struggles.
For me I must focus on doing it 100 percent for the other person and to give my life 100 percent into hashems hands.
Whats sort of crazy is that my impetus is self centered since I know that if I don't do so I will get pulled down myself completely and eventually harm other people and myself ....
(To insanity and beyond)
Yet I have to focus completely on the other person and Hashem, I guess for me things don't have to make sense if they work. ;D
excuse me for my rambling 
If these tools don't work maybe you can be involved in sa slaa etc, they have success for alot of people and their system truly works. Trust me most of my ideas are from them  ;D

Never feel to embarrassed etc to post here, we never judge and whenever you are willing we are hear to offer our experience strength and most important hope with you!

Nice to meet you Nat.

I think I'm not at a stage where I need to go to sa meetings. It seems to me that the best way forward for me is to practice what you say about davening for people, and being active in this forum. Especially the forum. This is such a great group and the ideal use for the internet. When I think I'm going to slip, I'm going to post something here.

And when I think I'm ready, I'm going to take on the 90 day challenge! So far, my best stretch was around 30 days. So maybe I'm not so far off. And I used to smoke cigarettes which I have stopped now for a month and a half. Yes! I know that I am getting siata dshamaya and it feels great. I am knocking off things on my list of basic self-improvement. The next thing would be eating better and exercising, but one thing at a time...

Oh, and just to clarify, I know this isn't *just* basic self-improvement. The main point is that these are steps toward serving Hashem better and building olam haba and doing mitzvos! And I also think the ability to beat addictions and override Y'H transfers to whatever it is you need to do. It helps you have a better work ethic, eat better, exercise, stop smoking, whatever it is will be easier the more control you gain over yourself and your yetzer hara. I think I heard of R Yerucham saying that he would deny himself something he wanted every day just to help build up the muscle of self-control. So the stronger the muscle, the greater heights we can reach and the better we can serve Hashem.

Anyway, that might have been a bit disorganized, but maybe you get the point...

Reb Aryeh - life is all about self-improvement.

When I started, I never dreamed that I could do this... if you've already been clean for 30 days, then you can totally kick this habit.

Sign up on the WOH, and get to it, being clean and pure one day at a time!

Understand and agree with all, just a little funny twist on the idea, from inside AA circles. They say how funny it is that 12 steps is referred to as "self-improvement" or "self-help" in the bookstores. It's really the opposite of self-help - which is how we got screwed up in the first place, of course. It's about G-d-help, meaning learning how to accept the unadorned truth about ourselves, accept His help in place of our ineptness, start to take directions, and really get better for a change.
Just a thought. Alei v'hatzlach, chevra!

I am pretty new and have committed myself (not to an asylum, just GYE) to being better in regards to P**n and self pleasure. So far 40 days clean. It has to be a mindset. Your story reminded me of how I used to feel , wanting to incorporate what I saw in those movies and clips, into my life. But it has no place in the bedroom. It's all fake. My connection that I feel with my wife and with Hashem is better.
Shlomo hamelch said ," Ani Koheles-- everything is Havel" The key is and was , that Shlomo Hamelech tried it all and had it all. Take it from him. We all know the same to be true. Cut the computer time and use it only when you have to. Make yourself busy and don't let the Y"H get any time to spend with you. Stay strong.
Penitent

penitent wrote on 26 Jan 2010 20:09:

Great post, Penitent! Funny how you mention "self pleasure", and I definitely relate to what you wrote. But it's funny how we work, because it became clear to me especially after a year or so in sobriety, that I was never more miserable than when I was acting out. It's actually quite shocking how miserable I really am when in that state. Thank-G-d I no longer have to be there today.
Keep posting, please!

Dear Penitent,

Yes, I think it is very easy to confuse fantasy and reality. First, we know it's fantasy but we want to go there for a while and delude ourselves a bit for the fun of it. But later, we start to think that pornography is an accurate representation of what a physical relationship with a woman is. We get more pleasure for porn than real-life, so we try to bring porn into the bedroom as you said. At one point, the girlfriend that I mentioned in my first post actually suggested that she do things to me while I look at porn. How sick is that? Porn had literally invaded and obliterated any intimacy that could have existed between us. And what made things worse is that *she* was under many of the same delusions as I was and had very low self-esteem. I stuck with her way longer than I should have...

Whether or not she was unhealthy isn't the issue here - as Bards says, she may have a problem, but she isn't your problem. Or she may not have a problem. Doesn't matter anymore. The question is for you...what do YOU need to do to grow?

Definitely agree with that. One of the things I can do though is to make sure I stay away from people like that in future, since it's especially dangerous for me with my tendencies.

You want someone who's healthy, and it sounds like even aside from her preferences in the bedroom, this women had a lot of issues. Although keep in mind that there's nothing wrong with doing things that are "different," or non-vanilla. The question is where it's coming from, and whether you're mentally with your wife at the time, or locked into your own fantasy world.

aryehtahor wrote on 24 Jan 2010 05:26:


Read through this page, top to bottom. Maybe it can help somewhat.




Maybe some of the hundreds of links and ideas in our Kosher Isle can help.