If I printed the details of my story that were similar it might give others some comfort and benefit. So here I go.

I originally did not believe what I was doing was entirely wrong.  Let us face it somehow certain Torah prohibitions get drilled into us when we are young (if we are lucky) and others get neglected. 

Not that I am blaming anybody or anything, but things can be very confusing for a somewhat “frum” little kid in a very modern world.  And then when I found what I was doing was wrong, lets face it… One doesn’t naturally go to a Rav and say, “I love eating bacon… can you please help me?” 

If one is brazen enough, he can try and read all sorts of leniencies in the gemara, shulchan orach.  And is one supposed to be reading the kabbalistic sources that condemn certain behaviors?  So I can pretend I didn’t read them.

Perhaps the greatest awareness occurred when I accidentally read some breslov seforim. But this wasn’t a “mainstream” publisher… and this was at least a decade before any of the gedolim said anything about the internet.

Somehow, something internalized.  I realized that the when things are going right, the world is a different place.  And when things fail, it is catastrophic.  I felt that the “newspaper headlines” of the day often reflected my situation.  Quite ironically, I don’t even read the newspapers for fear of seeing something inappropriate… yet… that was not an adequate safeguard.

I have my ups and downs like everyone else.  I don’t feel quite comfortable yet divulging the full details of my situation, but as I would very much like to help others I will share what I feel is most important.

Perhaps one of my greatest sources of motivation was reading Rabbi. A. Twerski’s books and hearing his lectures.  I read about his self-esteem issues and how he joined a 12-step group.

Recently there was a post from a certain Rav who also had a problem.  This was somewhat reassuring.

1. I found many of Rabbi Twerski’s books very helpful.

2. Somehow a weird concept of normative Judaism gets drilled into us, and we don’t realize that is deviant.  For example, I found it disturbing that time/family obligations made it difficult for me to perform certain positive mitzvohs.  In my case, I need to help take of the children shabbos mornings and often weekday morning because my spouse is chronically ill.  I would venture to say most observant Jews would find it disturbing to miss shabbos morning shachris for several years quite challenging.  Its very hard to drill into my head that I am being osek and chesed and patur from minyan in this circumstance.  Many “chashuv” yidden disagreed with me on this and related issues and this was very frustrating.  Ultimately, I chose to respect the wishes of my spouse than self-proclaimed halachic authorities.  With regard to this issue, I would venture to say that is important to have good role models and be aware that many “frum” people are willing to give bad advice.  Good role models are hard to find, but the symptoms are good role model are evident. If you see a frum guy shopping at the grocery store with half a dozen plus kids with him and he is dealing with them in pleasant manner, you might have found yourself a tzadik. He might also be the one that didn't come to your sholom zachor because he had to help with children too.  Look for these kinds of symptoms.  Its important that yiddiskite not be frustrating, rather it needs to be allowed to serve as source of energy in a very positive way.

3. Speaking on the related issue #2, I would venture to say, at least to married people, to be involved in chesed activities on behalf of your wife as much as possible.  To quote Rabbi Moshe Chayim Luzzato in a letter to one of his students:  There is nothing more important than this.  There is no reason that same kind of kavanah we strive to obtain during tefilah should not be a part of mopping the kitchen floor, taking out the garbage or taking care of a baby in the middle of the night.  If you are not married, but are of marriageable age remember that finding a spouse is a holy act of kindness too.


Without getting involved in protracted D’var Torah, I’ll say to everyone who has the problem:  G-d doesn’t make pots without lids.  If Hashem has blessed you with bigger pot, and you still can’t find your lid—you were blessed with this problem.  The greater the Yetzer Horah, the greater the potential Tzadik. 

Your problems are my problems too and I will daven for you,
Mekubal.

Welcome to the forum Mekubal,

Posts like that are what keep soem people going so keep posting away! Stay here and you are sure to find the healing process.

-Yiddle

Dear Mekubal,

I am the admin of this forum. Welcome to our community! Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!

By the way, this is the "Welcoming" board. Once you are ready to start your journey to 90 days, please post a log on the "Wall of Honor" board.

Thanks!

Dear Mekubal,

Welcome to our community.

I couldn't pick up from your post what it is you are struggling with, even in a basic way. I'm assuming that when the time comes you'll give us the opportunity to help you with the reason you were driven to find this site.

I like a lot of the things you're saying and I think you have the ability to help many of the other Yidden here.

Off the cuff I'll just tell you to read the handbooks a few times. With them you'll get the "ruach", shall we say, of which systems people use here.

Hope to see you around. Hatzlacha!
KG

Hi - welcome! Looking forward to hearing more from you, it sounds like you have a lot of wisdom to share!

Kollel Guy wrote on 18 Jan 2010 23:20:


I appreciate the positive feedback.  As I  am new to this group and have only started to read the handbooks.  I would like to make a rather presumptious statement with the hope that it might be inspiring.

To specifically address Reb. Kollel's Guy's wise observation that neglected to specify my exact struggle: I too battle lust addiction, but I would venture to say the neglect in saying an adequate blessing on my cup of coffee originates from the same source.  I have a realization somewhat of my own "systemic failure."  This only a hypothesis, please forgive me if you find this offensive.

I know if I could say just one adequate blessing on one cup of coffee in just the right way... at least there wouldn't be any room in my mind for that very moment except for lust to serve Hashem.

Why did I come?  I don't think there anything much more holy than you people--a group of yidden battling an addiction (overwhelmingly seen by the rest world as somewhat acceptable) all for the purpose of serving Hashem. 

I consider it an honor that you have taken the time to read my message.

Thanks,
mekubal.

An interesting point - if we could focus on living life the way we should, then lust would automatically be moved to the backseat (and from there, tossed out of the moving car).

It's great to have you here - we all learn from each other!

silentbattle wrote on 19 Jan 2010 17:55:
I'm a believer that we are not here to figure out anything complicated, or come to any amazingly deep realizations.
But rather to remember what is utterly simple, and not get distracted from it.

Yes, keeping the right mindset at all times would 100% solve all problems, I mean even dying al kiddush H-shem wouldn't be that big of a nesayon. But the Ratzon H-shem is, that we experience katnus ha'mochin, and have times where we even "Don't see the point" but just do the mitzvos with emotionless emunah.

The fact of life is, that at times we will not be given the ability to "focus on living life".

I've actually come to realize, that it's in those times that we do the real growing. What real dedication is there in avodas H-shem - when your in an ecstasy of love for H-shem?
What are you sacrificing?

The REAL deal, is specifically when you don't feel like doing his mitzvos, and you do them anyway - out of acknowledgement that he is G-d.
Now THAT'S dedication.

Mekubal, first of all, yasher koach for coming here. Second of all, I miss shacharis almost daily with a minyan except shabbos because I help with the kids, since my wife is at work. I understand and feel your pain. Do we try and console ourself saying "it's a mitzvah"? I don't think we should. We do the same when we do an aveirah by saying "I had to get it out of my system, I'll do better next time." we make excuses. Its a defense mechanism. The only difference is, that by helping your wife, it is a mitzvah and chesed. Few people understand this. I have been here a short time but it has kept me clean.
Penitent

You may not realize it, but you basically have hit on one of the major secrets to success in this struggle. You will see over, and over again here at GYE how we are trying to Let Go of the struggle, and let G-d do it for us.....something that we have all eventually found out....that we can't do it without him....Period!

This means that we first must believe in Hashem, and not just theoretically. So, when we daven 3 times a day, and how many times do we make brachos here, and there. ARE WE REALLY (really) speaking to the only one (above),  OR, are we once again doing the parrot routine? Even if we close our eyes as if in deep concentration...is it real? Are we really (REALLY) standing before hashem? Or,is this also part of our parrot routine? So, if the countless times a day we have a real opportunity to really communicate with Hashem, i.e. brochos, tefillahs, etc, and yet we fool ourselves....we will get the same results when we plead with Hashem to save us with this addiction.

Use your next cup of coffee as a new beginning.

hello mekubal ,mazal tov on reaching day 90 !! you should have much further hatzlacha ! ,i know you posted this around 7 years ago , i hope things hve improved with your  spouse physicaly  our tefilos  are with you !i see eye to eye with you that helping your spouse ,especialy when theyre sick is tremendous!!i see youare a real giver!hatzlacha!!

Welcome Mekubal.

A friend of mine was once hopitalized very suddenly after he collapsed.
He was lying there in a hospital bed hooked up to an IV drip and extremely weak.
It was night.
So he davened Maariv.
He was physically too weak to stand up, and confined to bed.
So he davened Shemoneh Esrei whilst lying in bed.
He did what he could under the circumstances.
He was not committing an aveirah.
And neither are you by not going to Shachrit on Shabbat...you are helping your wife and helping bring Shalom Bayit.
Kol kavod!

HALT has helped me.

These are triggers which can cause a relapse.

Hungry 
Angry (Resentful/In emotional pain)
Loneliness 
Tiredness

Be aware of one of these or any combination of these.
They make you vulnerable.
So if you manage to recognise them, reach out to a supportive friend or log into here and chat to others who understand.
Or go for a walk, anything healthy to de-stress.
Or in the case of hunger - eat!

Do not be hard on yourself, do not feel low self-esteem.
Keep positive, keep motivated.

ColinColin wrote on 02 Jan 2018 23:28:

I used to masturbate for shalom bayit; this way I didn't pressure my wife into having sex when she wasn't quite so in the mood (like most of the time).

I think that good Shulom Bayis is not about how much can i take from my wife, it is how much can i give to her.
When my wife is not in a mood, then it is not my fault, i do not need to feel insecured, i would see her as in a mood that needs some care.