[Not so little] Little Neshamale,
I'm just reading this thread now.
No words... so genuine, so real so deep, so vulnurable. AMAZING!
While I can't relate to alot of it, the struggle, that I am very familiar with is deff there.
I see you haven't posted in over a week, how are you?

Hey everyone,

It’s been over a week since I last checked in here. Truth is, I felt ashamed. After pouring my heart out in my previous post, I slipped just over 24 hours later. That shame kept me from logging back on. But the other day, one of my GYE accountability partners gave me the pep talk I didn’t know I needed — and reminded me why I’m here.

So here’s the truth:

Two weeks ago, I went five days clean — no pornography, no release. That was the longest streak I’ve had since last summer. And those five days? Emotionally and mentally, they were some of the best I’ve felt in a long time.

But here’s where I sabotaged it — I kept edging. I would start to masturbate multiple times a day, just not “finish.” For most, that’s not considered clean. But for me, it was progress. Still, the problem was clear: I wasn’t guarding my eyes, my thoughts, or my actions. I wasn’t truly setting myself up for long-term success.

As one of my closest friends told me today — and it really hit me — the real path to lasting success isn’t just being shomer habris or shomer einayim. It’s being shomer machshavos. Guarding your mind. Keeping your thoughts holy. That’s the foundation everything else rests on.

Over the past week, I fell multiple times — Motzei Shabbos, Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Some were small slips. Others were worse. But since Friday afternoon, I’ve been clean. Not just physically — but mentally. My eyes, my thoughts, and my actions are all in check. And I’m feeling that clarity again.

And then… Shabbos.

Shabbos gave me the reset I desperately needed.

This past Shabbos was exactly what I needed — uplifting, grounding, and real. I had a few close friends over, and we spoke openly about life, our struggles, and where we’re trying to grow. Those conversations lifted a weight I didn’t even realize I was carrying. Today carried that energy forward — I had a powerful call with one of the incredible GYE brothers, and later met up with some friends who recently returned from Eretz Yisrael for the summer. We had a deep, honest conversation about everything going on in our lives. Then, in the evening, I was supposed to have a horseback riding lesson — something I had been looking forward to all week. But just as it began, the rain came down and it was called off.

At first, I was disappointed. But then I reminded myself: This is Hashem’s plan. I don’t need to understand it — I just need to trust it. And just like that -  15 minutes later, the skies cleared, the sun came back out, and it turned into a gorgeous day. Since I was already out in nature, I decided to explore. I ended up on a peaceful trail — a hidden gem I know I’ll return to.

I came home, davened with a minyan for all three tefillos (big win for me), and felt completely uplifted. Full of hope. Full of clarity.

One last thought —that shomer machshavos idea which my friend shared with me connected deeply to what Rabbi Joey Haber said in the Friday Vayimaen video. He spoke about the danger of living with a searching mindset — how even in marriage (and certainly before, for us single guys), constantly scanning the horizon, sizing people up, and wondering if someone else might be more attractive, more exciting, or a better fit — chips away at everything sacred. For those of us still unmarried, it often looks like (at least for me) checking out every person who walks by, playing out mental fantasies, and letting our thoughts wander unchecked. That mindset doesn't just weaken our future relationships — it disconnects us from ourselves, from the people around us, and most importantly, from Hashem.

We need to stop looking outside the life Hashem gave us and start living inside it. Fully. Gratefully. Intensely. Work on ourselves. Elevate what we already have. See the blessings in front of us.

Bli neder, I’m committing to post something short each day this week — not for attention, but for myself. To stay grounded, to stay honest, and to stay in the fight. Maybe even another verse or two of the Little Neshama song rewrite.

BezH, this will be a strong, meaningful week — for me, for all of us here on GYE, and for Klal Yisrael.

It seems to me that we have a giant amongst us!
The clarity with which you write, the thought out ideas, the brutal honesty and the will to grow and grow, is guaranteed to bring you to places you didn't dream of!
That idea of not looking and looking all around us for something 'better' or 'new', is so powerful. Thank Hashem that you are zoche to work on this now before you get married, so you and your future lucky wife will be able to fully connect, having you fully and exclusively interested in her.

Also how you took this idea to all areas of life,

"We need to stop looking outside the life Hashem gave us and start living inside it. Fully. Gratefully. Intensely. Work on ourselves. Elevate what we already have. See the blessings in front of us."

Powerful and inspiring, thank you for joining our family!

Wow. What an unbelievable day.

It started with a simple 5-minute check-in call — something my friends and I decided to make a daily habit. As quick as it was, that call gave me the exact spark I needed to launch the day with motivation and grounding. Sometimes, that’s all it takes — one small act of connection to shift the entire direction of your day.

Work was long, but incredibly fulfilling. I stayed almost two hours late, but I barely noticed the time. The pace, the progress — it all flowed. That sense of productivity, of doing what I needed to do — it just felt amazing. I felt like I actually showed up to life today.

After work, I made what turned out to be the best decision of my day: I drove out to a hidden gem I discovered just 15 minutes from the office. For nearly two hours, I just was — surrounded by trees, ocean air, quiet animals, breathtaking views… and most of all, the presence of Hashem. I genuinely felt like I was spending quality alone time with the Ribono Shel Olam. Not in some abstract way — it felt real. Intimate. Like He was right there with me. 

And in that space… I felt something I’ve been davening for: oneness with Hashem. Real, intimate deveikus. Like it was just me and Him — no noise, no distractions, no filters. Just His presence, surrounding and holding me. It was magical. I’ve been asking for that feeling in tefillah lately — and today, I felt it answered in full.

Of course, the next step is figuring out how to bring that sensation with me into everyday life — not just in the peaceful moments, but in the busy, noisy ones too. And that's a process. Baby steps. Slowly building a strong foundation. Not getting worked up when things don’t click right away. Growth isn't instant — and honestly, it shouldn’t be.

As the day ended, I stayed to watch the most breathtaking sunset — golden hues, soft pink streaks, and red sparks glittering off the trees and ocean. It was absolutely mesmerizing. I sat there in stillness, fully present, feeling Hashem’s love, His faith in me, His gentle reminder that He’s walking with me — step by step — as I return to the truest version of myself. The joyful me. The laughing, smiling, alive me.

There’s something powerful about spending time alone in nature. It’s like stepping out of the chaos of daily life and entering a kind of Gan Eden — sacred, pure, and whole. I tried doing a bit of hisbodedus — something a friend recommended (though I’ll be honest, it’s harder than I expected lol). I also meditated for a while… and somewhere in the silence, I entered this state of absolute serentiy, tranquility, and just... zen. Authentic menuchas hanefesh.

I found myself looking around in awe — at the trees, the waves, the colors, the sounds — and just thinking: How? Why? From where? I started reflecting on the world, Hashem’s infinite design, and our place within it. I realized — there’s no real word for it. “Creativity” doesn’t do justice when we’re talking about the Ein Sof. There is no word. I just sat there just soaking it all in. Feeling small, but somehow full.

It was grounding. It was humbling. It was deeply moving.

I just hope I can hold onto this beauty — let it carry through my week… and maybe, b’ezras Hashem, through my life.

Shalom Brother,

This is almost surreal to read. Incredible! I can almost feel your shleimus as you describe your experience.
Thank you so much for sharing. It is a huge chizzuk for me, and I'm sure others as well.

Mamash beautiful. Kol Tov

Not really sure how to start this. Honestly, I really just want to go to sleep and avoid all this...
But I know it’s healthy for me — to think it out, to process it, and to put it into writing.

It feels strange… coming off such an uplifting Shabbos, then a Sunday where I clearly felt Hashem showing me that He runs this world with a plan, and then yesterday — where I genuinely felt one with Hashem in a moment of real deveikus…
And then today.

Today was not a great day. I worked from home — and I knew, even before I went to sleep last night, that it would be difficult. But “difficult” turned out to be a major understatement.

I don’t like to use the word impossible, but for where I am right now in my journey, being home alone with an unfiltered device is a nonstop avodah. Every moment requires active resistance. I have a major issue with my laptop filter — it’s way too easy to turn it off and just as easy to put it back on, so I’m essentially living with an unfiltered device. Dangerous territory.

I’m going to walk through the events of today step-by-step.  THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME, but I’ll keep it as PG as possible. More than anything, this is for myself — a journal entry to review what happened, understand why, and hopefully gain a better perspective on how to move forward.

The day started off with me checking GYE on my laptop. Usually, I try not to go on screens first thing — I like to get up, take a quick walk, get some sunlight. But that didn’t happen today.

After checking GYE, I went to my personal email and saw a message in one of my old spam accounts — the kind I used to use for random sites and apps. The email was from a “woman,” and the moment I saw it, I transformed. Out of real me… and into behaima me.

I took off my filter and went to the site. After some quick investigating, I realized (unsurprisingly) it was just another bot — like 99% of these messages. But by then, I was already in it. That mood, that cloud, that pull.

I felt myself being drawn into pornography. I could hear this small voice in the back of my head whispering:
“It’s not worth it. You’re going to regret this. You’ve been on such a high — don’t throw it all away for this.”
But my hands and fingers were in a different world.

I watched for about 10 minutes — until a work text snapped me back. That small interruption gave me just enough clarity to stop — as one of my accountability partners later reminded me, “Even simply thinking about texting someone can break the cycle.” I “pulled the plug,” slammed the laptop shut, and jumped into a cold shower.

I thought I beat it. But in truth, I had just delayed it. I had already tasted the impurity — and that taste lingered.

Later in the day, I found myself craving stimulation. I re-downloaded an app I hadn’t touched in a long time — one that still had contacts of people I used to talk to, none of which I ever followed through with… because most of them were the type you pay for.

In the past, I’ve held myself back from that line — because of my mental health, my future wife, future kids, risk of STDs, and this quote someone once told me:
“If you wouldn’t lick a public toilet, why would you lick that?”
Crude, but clear.

But today was different. I wasn’t thinking straight. I wasn’t really thinking at all. All the warning signs I’d respected before… I just ignored. I contacted someone. We agreed on a time. A price.

When I went to the store to buy the gift card she requested, Hashem intervened.

The card I picked — out of dozens — happened to be broken. The cashier told me, “That’s never happened before.” I was reimbursed and told i could go grab another.

On the way, I said to Hashem (foolishly):
“If that was really You, not just coincidence, then make the second one break too. If You do that, I’ll know for sure and I’ll walk away.”

Hashem is God. He doesn’t owe me two signs.

Unfortunately, the second card worked. So I went.

At the location, she texted me to wait outside, told me she'd come out to get me. But she never showed. She started insisting I send her the last 4 digits of the card, the receipt, what kind of car I was driving, what shirt I was wearing, where I was parked. I gave vague answers — part of me terrified I was about to be jumped.

Then she sends me another number and says I need to contact this guy on WhatsApp to tell him she’ll be safe with me.

And that’s when it hit me:
WhatsApp is my real life. That app connects me to my family, my friends, my work, my Vayimaen videos. My actual life.

That sudden mental interruption — just thinking about my real life — gave me the clarity I needed. And this time, Baruch Hashem, I clearly saw Hashem’s hand guiding me away.

I left.

I drove away to a nearby park to cool down. And for the first time in years… I cried.

Real, painful, emotional tears.

I’ve lost family members. I’ve had close friends killed in the war in Eretz Yisrael. And yet, I haven’t cried in years. I’ve numbed myself over time — from emotion, from pain, from myself. And today, I broke open.

I called one of my accountability partners. I could barely get words out. But finally, I spoke, and we had a powerful, healing conversation.

I went back home — and back to work (yes, I literally left mid-workday to go down this dark road). I finished the day and had a surprise call from my cousin. We schmoozed for a while, and then I spoke with one of my GYE brothers who gave me solid advice.

But then — an hour later — it was like I became a zombie.

I walked back to my room, locked the door, took off the filter, and started browsing. It was on and off — watch for 15 minutes, distract myself with pushups, music, a book… then back again. The problem? I never left my room.

Eventually, I gave in completely. I “finished.” And the moment after… I felt absolute disgust with myself.

After a long shower, I sat with the question:
What do I do with this gift card — this object that was meant for aveirah?

I decided to use that same card — which was originally bought for a horrendous sin — to install Teckloq, which will BezH be a bulletproof, irremovable filter.

If that money was meant for tumah, I’m going to redirect it for kedusha.

As for tomorrow… I’m not going to act like I just “reset to zero.” That’s the mindset that’s failed me before.

Instead, I’m going to zoom out and look at the full picture:
I was clean 4 out of the last 5 days. That’s progress. That’s huge. I’m not on Day Zero — I’m on Day Six, with 4 clean wins already behind me.

And now I’m trying something new — a tactic one of my GYE brothers recommended to help myself push on tomorrow as regular:

Dear Little Neshamale,

I know you’re feeling in the dumps right now. Especially after such incredible highs. But it’s okay to slip. It happens. Beating yourself up will only lead to more falls — and you know that. You’ve lived that.

That version of you earlier today? That wasn’t really you. That was the Yetzer Hara, doing the job Hashem assigned to him.

But now it’s your turn. Your task. Your mission.

Bases are loaded. Down by 3. Two outs. Bottom of the ninth.
Time to step up and hit that grand slam — for yourself, for your future wife, for your future kids.
Smack that ball outta the park.

No one can do it for you. But you don’t need anyone else to. You’ve got this. Even at your lowest, you know you’ve got this. And Hashem? He’s always known. That’s why He gave you this challenge in the first place.

Tomorrow is a new day. Day 6. We’re 5 days clean. Let’s make it count.

As I once learned with my father in Sefer Benayahu al HaTorah by the Ben Ish Chai (I had to ask him to remind me the quote — without tipping him off what it was for

Even if a person falls a thousand times, he must never despair. Each time he rises — he is even more beloved before Hashem than before the fall.

Wow hashem must love you because lemaysa he pulled you back from a place that would have taken you to a whole new level.

Even though you lemaysa fell in your room, its probably nowhere near what you would have felt if you fell with that person, and getting back up would probably be much harder. I also recently fell after a few weeks clean so I'm in this with you buddy. 

Can I just add my humble two cents? I was just thinking from reading how you started off you pointed it how you had been feeling so high and one with Hashem and how you had just had such an uplifting Shabbos. I just wanted to share a thought on that from my own experience. 

In my experience there are some times when we feel very inspired and close. In those moments it may be very hard for the yh to get us, we are flying high. But those moments are many times only few and far in between. It is mostly the case that we feel just regular and plenty of times we will feel down.

Therefore can I suggest that its better not to focus on getting to an emotional place where one looks out on the challenge from the prism of the emotional high and tells himself these are my true feelings and I'm dedicated to using these feelings to combat the YH. Because although its probably true that deep down those are your feelings, the YH will come to you when those feelings are masked by other feelings maybe a bad mood or even a bland mood. And your previous high wont be accessible for you as a tool at that moment. Its more important to take your strong emotions and use them as a motivation to learn urge management tools while your still strong, so that you can use them when your not as strong.

                                                          yours truly and with you on the front lines, jwbf

P.S I'm not suggesting that emotions can't be used to build motivation overall they probably should be used for that I'm just suggesting that you can't bank on the emotions themselves to help you in a time of crisis. Hope I'm making sense. Also just to be clear I'm not assuming your mindset, maybe this wasn't how you were thinking. I am writing just in case it was.

I can relate to all that you wrote. I’ve been in those shoes hundreds of times. You can and you will break free of these cycles but you have to pursue a clean life with just as much passion as you would pursue a beautiful woman.

Committing to a few positive reminders throughout your day and that you keep to religiously every single day will help give you the strength to say no when the challenges arise


Wishing you continued success
Vehkam

littleneshamale wrote on 23 Jul 2025 05:00:

Shedding some tears for you "little neshamale", a very vivid and articulate post, that can serve many others as a reminder where this path leads to, a dead end. You where mighty lucky you where saved, Hashem has great plans for you still, and wouldn't let you soil your holy neshama, I firmly believe that. May you have easier days ahead.

Wow!!

what a powerful msg. I'm sure that up in Shamayim they're making a very big deal of this... just continue going on this path.... Hashem will give you the Kochos Hanefesh!!!

Hi Hashemisonmyside!

I hope you feel good. It's good to see you on this forum. You give a lot of people chizzuk. Something very special. I think the reason why Yosef Hatzaddik was called tzaddik is because he held back from the affair with Potephars wife. You have been going strong 150 days. Wow! You are a tzaddik. I hope good things happen to you !

Avi

The idea of GYE is to be like a happy family, but really appreciate your shout out!!

Wow! Powerful! Heartwarming!

May Hashem continue to give you the strength, clarity, and determination you need to break free.

Hey chevra,

For today’s post, I just want to take a moment to respond to some of the powerful comments and insights that have resonated with me since my last post which took a lot out of me to write. The truth is, your words haven’t just encouraged me — they’ve helped me reframe things and see my journey with clearer eyes.

After that, I’ll share a little bit about how my day went.

@jwbf
Your message hit me hard — in the best way. You're 100% right. I’ve been putting a lot of emotional weight on those spiritual highs, trying to bottle them and use them as weapons. But you nailed it — the Yetzer doesn’t usually attack when I’m soaring. He waits for the moments when the inspiration has faded, when things feel bland or flat or just routine. And in those moments, emotional highs don’t always hold up.

What you said about learning urge management tools while I’m strong — that’s the piece I’ve been missing. I’m grateful you put it so clearly. It reframed a lot for me.

@Vehkam
That line you wrote — “pursue a clean life with just as much passion as you would pursue a beautiful woman” — that one stuck. That’s exactly the kind of fire I want to channel.

And I appreciate your practical advice too — locking in daily positive reminders. If you have any specific ideas or examples of what’s worked for you, I’d really love to hear them. Always open to concrete strategies.

@mggsbms
Your words were deeply moving — the part about Hashem saving me because He has great plans for me… I needed that reminder.

Sometimes it's easy to forget that all these painful reroutes aren’t just stumbles — they’re part of a very personal path that’s still unfolding. I appreciate the chizuk more than you know.

@Hashemisonmyside
The way you framed it — that maybe in Shamayim they’re making a big deal about what happened — honestly gave me chills. Because you’re right. We tend to look at these days as failures or damage control… but they might actually be massive victories in the heavens. Thank you for that boost.

@Heeling
You’ve been a rock for me, consistently. I won’t spell it all out here, but just know that your words — and your presence — carry weight.

The strength, clarity, and determination you wished for me? I felt that today. And that’s in large part thanks to you.

Now for a quick share about how today went:

Today was a quiet kind of win.

I started the day working from home — not because I wanted to, but because I had to make up for what I didn’t finish yesterday. With everything that went down, my day got completely derailed, and I knew I had to show up and take some control back.

Baruch Hashem, I was busy. I stayed focused. The distractions I was nervous about didn’t even knock. Hashem gave me what I needed — clarity, energy, and protection.

Later, I headed into the office, and on the drive, I had a really nice one-on-one call with a GYE brother I’ve spoken to before, but never like that. Turns out we have a lot in common, and I’m honestly looking forward to building more with him. Just a solid, real conversation.

Work was great — productive, fun, successful. It felt good to function like a normal person. No chaos. Just progress.

After work, I went back to that same park. Picked up some sushi, grabbed a juice I like, and just sat on the rocks — eating slowly, watching the sunset, feeling the breeze off the water, taking it all in. And when I ate, I made a conscious effort to focus on the simple gifts Hashem gives us every day — even something as basic as food. I realized how often I take these things for granted. Tonight, I didn’t.

I journaled a bit, but mostly I just let myself be. No deep emotions, no tears, no fireworks — just calm. Grounded. Grateful. It wasn’t intense like last time. And that’s what made it so special. Just quiet presence with Hashem.

Then, on my way home, I stopped in for Maariv — and sitting there in the beis medrash was none other than my Rebbe.

Let me be clear — this wasn’t someone I just know. This is my Rav. The Rav who literally changed my life in EY. The Rav I had the zchus of an hour and a half chavrusa every single day. He recently moved back from Eretz Yisrael, now lives only an hour away, but he has a new number I haven’t been able to get. I’ve been davening all week that somehow Hashem would reconnect us.

And there he was. Just there. Sitting and learning.

No texts. No coordination. Just straight-up hashgacha pratis.

We spoke for a few minutes, and it was enough to know that more conversations are coming soon.

Lastly, a big thank you to another GYE brother who checked in all day — texting, calling, just being there. The value of that kind of support can’t be overstated. Seriously. Thank you.

Ending the day with quiet gratitude. No drama. No noise. Just peace.

We’re never doing this alone. Not for a second.