Ich bin a Chasidisher Yingerman, a husband and a father to three children. I want to be ehrlich and work on myself, to become the best version of who I’m meant to be. But there are inyonim from my past that I feel are holding me back, and I need to speak it out.

When I was 12 years old, a bochur two years older than me did something with me. At the time, I didn’t fully understand what it meant just that it didn’t feel right. I didn’t know it was wrong, but I sensed it wasn’t appropriate.

Later, around the age of 14, I started doing similar things with other bochurim. That went on until I was about 17, and then I stopped. I thought it was behind me. But after I got married, those taavos came back in different ways  and it only got worse over time.

I feel torn  on one hand, I truly want to be a good Yid, a ehrlicher husband and father. But on the other hand, I struggle with something that feels bigger than me at times. I’m not sharing this to be mezakeh myself, chalilah, but because I want to do real teshuvah and find help. I’m ready to face it. I want to understand what’s going on, stop it completely, and rebuild from a place of emes.

You are brave for wanting to confront these difficult parts of your past. You've also come to the best place for that because this is a loving caring group of people with similar struggles. I have also recently joined and have been helped by the great oilam here.

May I suggest you reach out to one of the mentors who will be able to help you or know who can with the specifics of your case? Having a mentor will really make all the difference please do it for yourself you really won't regret it. I took the liberty of copying these links below from  from proud yungermans post hope its ok with him. I saw you were still online and I wanted you to be able to see this now.

There is also an extremely powerful tool of accountability, friends, and mentors that has helped hundreds - myself included.
HHM - Hashem Help Me - is the mentor-in-chief around here. He's reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com.
Some of the other great guys here are Eerie - 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, Muttel - muttel15@gmail.com,   Reb Akiva - mevakesh247@gmail.com iwantlife - iwantlifegye@proton.me minhamayim - minhamayim1@gmail.com amevakesh - amevakesh23@gmail.com iwannalivereal - iwannalivereal@gmail.com

                                                                   hatzlacha raba jwbf

Welcome my friend! You have come to right place. 
Your אמת and ehrlichkeit shines through your post and I have no doubt that with a bit of input you will manage to become the person you want to be.

What have you tried so far? Have you watched any of the GYE videos? The Flight to freedom program? The 90 day count?
There is a tremendous amount of tools and techniques here on GYE. 
The key to succeeding is to be in touch on a constant basis and not to be struggling on your own. Keep posting, get to know the very special oilom here and iyH you will soon see the light at the end of the tunnel...

Looking forward to hearing from you!

חזק ואמץ,
UpAndDown

Welcome. Many of us came to Gye with a tremendous amount of shame and guilt.  The mistakes from our youth made us feel like we were damaged beyond repair.  

when we come to realize that the ribono shel olam still wants a relationship with us despite all the mistakes it is a huge load lifted off of us.  

When we realize that much of our shame and guilt is undeserved and misplaced we can take big  strides forward.  

When we realize that we can use these challenges as opportunities for growth we can fly to great heights. 

wishing you tremendous success 
vehkam

Ay, I'm so sorry for your pain, my friend. And believe me, you can get past these things! Stick around, post, ask, listen, connect with oilam, and beH you'll find your path forward