eerie wrote on 27 Jun 2025 17:27:

This is such a true point!!

"It's ok to feel uncomfortable. That's life."
"It's ok to feel uncomfortable. That's life."
"It's ok to feel uncomfortable. That's life."
I've got to chazer this over a thousand times.... 

 Thanks for sharing! 

trueme wrote on 27 Jun 2025 20:41:

I appreciate your words. You had a few great points
My friend, there is one point which I think you might have misunderstood, and I'd like to point it out

Before I do, I should thank all my wonderful friends, so many of whom have texted and called to check up on me, the caring and brotherhood is so powerful! Every drop was appreciated, dearest friends
BH the urges have mostly passed, beH veiter

To you, trueme, I want to point out, that BH although it was a few days of urges, I didn't ever consider giving in, and it wasn't a battle. What it was was a physical sensation, a really uncomfortable sensation, where my body wanted something. But I never considered giving it what it wanted. And perhaps that is the way to look at it and treat it. Yes, we will have urges, at 1000 days, at 2000 days, but beH you'll grow stronger and stronger, and those things just won't be an option, and the urges will be just that, urges. Uncomfortable physical sensations. It helps to share challenges, so I did that, but beH it gets easier in a general way as time goes on. Like a great friend here said, look at it like a tooth ache. It's uncomfortable. Nu. Move on.

Dear friends, thanks so much!

eerie wrote on 26 Jun 2025 04:59:

First of all I'm happy the urges are lessening by you. You should stay strong and overcome all your nisyonos and continue to inspire people (myself included).

I dont mean to infer from your words like a ראשון but those words that are in bold are solely referring to the physical urge and not that you wanted to give in? I thought you meant the latter.

When I say that a person should not have confidence I mean to fight the actual nisayon. Confidence would have a place where we are expected to overcome something based on our bechira. This nisayon is different in that the idea is not even to stray after your eyes because the proceeding steps are beyond bechira (It is fascinating that this is an איסור דאורייתא that has an extreme charachter of a דרבנן in that is a double step removed from the איסור. First is the looking, then the heart desires, and finally the כלי מעשה גומרים. This makes sense (In terms of being a דאורייתא) if you learn the next 2 steps after one's eyes straying are beyond fair בחירה. (Although its still not impossible, just not a fair free choice) and its eternally fixed that way, no matter the level of holiness a person has acheived.)
Thats why when the שטן disguised himself as a woman to ר עקיבא (Whom we cannot even fathom his level, obviously) he almost fell.
Thats why ר עמרם חסידא has his story where he had to scream fire and suffer embarrassment in order to save himself.
I believe Rav Shimshon Pinkus learns from the words כי הוא צוה ונבראו which the מדרש says - זו אשה that tayvos nashim is a chok in human nature and our avoda has nothing to do with fighting it. Our avoda is to avoid it.
(I dont think this contradicts the avoda of addicts in any way - although I dont know the 12 steps etc. but it is not about fighting the tayva head on, thats for sure)
In contrast, the desire to steal or be lazy is something that we could fight head on and therefore it makes sense to be confident about it. In terms of lust, I think the only confidence that makes sense is in our avoidance and in special siyata dishmaya if we get stuck.
Obviously - it is a person's responsibility to take the preventative measures (or steps to recovery) and if not he could be deemed liable even though the actual nisayon does not seem to be in the realm of fair בחירה.
I dont think this discussion is just academic. I think it is an important shift in perspective and avoda.

eerie wrote on 30 Jun 2025 00:10:

Physical sensation, physical senshmasion.

Come on Eerie, we all know that you were on the verge of a complete and total crumble, your gazillion day streak was about to go down the toilet with an unsatisfying "shlooop".

HERO!

Loved today's Vayimaen video. 
www.torahanytime.com/lectures/382276

upanddown wrote on 30 Jun 2025 00:06:

In kuntras umayan it mentions about ‏קדש עצמך במותר לך
that it is a positive mitzvah
(And that We become more course as we get older by eating sleeping, drinking etc. Even If one is on the level that they are doing those things just In order to be able to serve hashem properly) 
Some people have a yh like a sheep and some like a ox 
but we can actually make our yh stronger by doing things that are allowed not in order to(stay alive and healthy mentally and physically to) be able to serve hashem properly 
the opposite is also true when we say no every time we say no we are making ourselves more אידל and in tune to elokus 
I apologize if This is found to be not related to the issue mentioned or if it’s too long And bores you

eerie wrote on 18 Jul 2025 19:52:

It's a great one, thanks for the reference.

Hi, I'm Justmefixed (anon). Tried all I can to stop M on my own but it has been very difficult. some relapse occur and it feels like I'd never be able to quit. 
I was able to find the leak in my strategy which is being alone and lying on the bed with my phone. But to further put up a fight against this I decided to go a step further to involve social support.
a very big pain point of this lifestyle for me is the fact that it contrasts very much from my public self and so i couldn't find me someone trustworthy enough to share with and have as an accountability partner. That's one of the reasons I came here as my first point of social help.
Current Streak: 0

Hey brother welcome to the fam
you will find the social support very helpful ,
AS a matter of fact im not sure if theres anyone it didn't help to some level. So hatslacha on the journey were happy to support you in our joint struggles that us and many yidden not on hereExperience,
y dont you start a thread of your own and fill us in on how the fights doing ! 
      Keep at it !!!!        Rooting for your success

Sharing a thought from a GYE friend
Someone recently told him that he finds it helpful and motivating to stand strong, when faced with a challenge, to think to himself "I want to stand strong so I'll be excited for my wife". But this friend says he feels it's a little too self-centered. Rather, he thinks it a little differently "I'm going to stand strong, because my wife deserves someone who is excited about her"

Today's vayimaen video is so beautiful! 

Stunning! About time someone brought back Dear Nikolai and made it relevant to todays day and age. I always try teaching that song to my Talmidim, but they didn't connect to a boy behind the iron curtain. Now I'm hopeful. 

There's something bothering me that I wanted to share with the oilam. I hope I don't make too many enemies

I may be totally wrong

Preface: If you know anything about me, you know that my heart burns with the pain of our dear brothers that struggle, and I truly, deeply love and respect every guy I talk to, literally no matter what they have done and gone through. Please take every word I say with that in mind. I don't mean to C"V belittle anyone or even a drop of pain that anyone is going through, and to many people what I'm about to say does not apply at all. If anyone reading what I'm about to say feels judged, I'm simply not referring to you and your situation

On the chance that there are people this applies to, I say:

I was talking yesterday to a guy, a truly wonderful person, IMHO, a guy who went through many challenging periods in his life, and has really made beautiful choices to bring him to where he is today. And yet, unhealthy sexual behaviors continue to be a challenge. He was just recently involved in an illicit relationship. BH, this person had the gevura to reach out and I've had the zechus to guide him to cut it off. And he's doing it!!! He's winning, he's strong, he's changing! It's beautiful to watch the gevurah of a Yiddishe neshama! 
Last night we were talking, and he was telling me how hard it is for him to stay away from that person, how connected he got there, etc. And he's right. It is very, very hard to cut off from a person he's had a sexual relationship with for a long time. And in middle he said "Why would Hashem give me this challenge? How could Hashem do this to me?"
And this is something, though I didn't tell him, that I feel is not so in place. Why blame Hashem? Sure, it's hard. Yes, it's frustrating. It's literally hell to break off such a relationship. The strength it takes, it's crazy. But after everything, remember: Hashem didn't make you have that relationship. Hashem didn't force you to have all those experiences that bound you to that person. You chose to do it. I'm not judging anyone, I love you and respect you, and I really, really do. I'll give you hours of my time because I care about you. But why are you blaming Hashem for your poor choices? 

I repeat. For many people, their exposure and experiences are things that were totally out of their control, and yes, the hashgacha of Hashem decided to challenge them, and it is not their choice that is currently making things hard. 
But for some of us, yes, we didn't realize the extent of what we were doing, and we didn't have support, etc. No, we are not to be lambasted for what we did. But Hashem didn't do it. I did. Let's not blame Hashem for things He didn't do. 

Just my thought. Take it or leave it

@eerie, I'll never be your enemy, but I disagree. 

No, no one can blame Hashem EVER. We know and believe that ממנו לא תצא הרעות. But you've been in this position before. You know that at the beginning of your struggle you had no hava amina that one day you'll be doing the things you did. There's a slippery slope.

The first time your guy masturbated he didn't imagine he'll land up in a relationship. Then he looks at his roommate (suggesting he's single) and sees a guy that never struggled a day in his life. You blame him for feeling upset? The blame isn't Hashem, but it's definitely frustrating. 

Buddy, did I say it's not frustrating?!?!
I said time and again, it's painful and frustrating, and it's hard like hell, and you wish it was all just muttar, totally.
I was talking only about the blaming Hashem. All I'm saying is: Don't blame Hashem for your poor choices