Hi everyone!

I was born into a very choshuve family in my community [known in other communities as well].
All my siblings are prominent people, and it was said about me that I'm the smartest, and the most talented. (it must be true, because I use arround 10 percent of my brain as I will explain)
At a very young age (12-13) I had the issue that many other gifted people have, my brain was never nearly enough stimulated, so my young stupid brain started searching, first understanding what bachurim aren't allowed to know, with the help of other boys, than masturbating on a regular basis, from there it went on to getting acces to internet and finding the "right" magazine stands etc. etc. 
Throughout all mt years as a bachur I suffered and struggled in between two worlds, frying my brain day in day out, I myself don't know how I managed to stay afloat.

[btw I think it's important to tell bachurim the difference between wet dreams and m., many times I was on the verge of stopping, then I had a wet dream and I felt like I completely blew it and it was over]

Than I got engaged and married to what is considered the nicest shidduch in the family, indeed I have the best, supporting wife (she doesn't know anything about these struggles)

I managed to stay clean for a short while after my chasunah than the waves came crashing down with their full vigor .

I had 2 kids  while struglling with this trash.

Then came the change I went to europe to kivrei tzadikim {btw I did NOT go because of this struggle, many times before I had been to the kosel and many other mekomos hakdoshim, to no avail, the reason I think this trip did work is BECAUSE I did not go to quick fix my problem, or for the problem al all} I came to the kever of the tzaddik (that his yurtzeit was the reason of the trip) and I just cried like never before (I barely cry because I numbed my emotions with p&m) I was just fed up, right afterward hashem answered and I started gye. 

I was treading water untill I promised that if I fall 1 more time I'll get a partner [till then I didn't have the courage], so the next time I got the best partner and I was clean for 90 days, on day 92 I fell and crashed, since then I'm back to square one, falling then saying clean for a few days and falling again, my latest fall was yesterday.

This is the short version of my [sofar] sad story.

Hey, why don't you try reading The Battle of the Generation guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation to help boost your motivation as you begin your new streak?

Appendix A of the book can help a lot. Reading chapter 11 and then chapter 10 after a fall helps a lot. The book in general is amazing and a good place to start. Do you think that getting a mentor can help?

Welcome to GYE, my dear brother!
My friend, the story is far from over!!!! You have only begun! There are things to learn, things to do. If my hunch is correct, if you engage in this properly you'll soon be flying high!!!!
My friend, stick around, ask, listen, share, connect, and best of all, make a connection with a mentor, and you'll be ok
Feel free to reach out to the email in my signature. I'd consider it a zechus to get to know you
Keep trucking!!!

Welcome you deff came to the right place. Hatzlacha on a new beginning!! Deff reach out to some of the amazing guys here.
Its impossible to do this alone. 
If eerie gave you a hand, run and grab it. 

Welcome!
I'm also new here like you, just joined this week.
You made it already 90 days so you know you're capable! B'H with the help from the community here you'll be able to make the final leap you need to get on!

בהצלחה!

eerie wrote on 09 Jun 2025 16:30:

Welcome brother to the forums. The pain of living a double life, the feelings of hypocrisy you must have gone through, the struggle of maintaining a façade and trying to somehow straddle both the world of Kedusha and the opposite are painfully expressed in your short version. 

My friend. It doesn't have to continue to go on this way. This site is filled with so many that are all to familiar with the experiences you've gone through. The YH doesn't discriminate. He hits us all equally, every stream and creed of Jewish orthodoxy is represented here on these forums. No exceptions. Simple and Chashuve people. Balei Battim and Bnei Torah Yeshivaliet, Kollel Yungerliet, Chassidim of every Rebbe, and Modox are all here to face this one common enemy. Stick around, read through some of the threads. There's a wealth of knowledge and experience here. I see you've joined us almost a year ago. If so, you probably know who Eerie is. Just in case you don't, let me tell you. If he offered you to reach out, it's an opportunity not to be passed up. He has helped hundreds (including myself) of people change their lives for the better. he is also one of the warmest people you will ever speak to, and will probably give you more Chizuk in this Inyan then you've ever received from anyone else. Reach out, you won't regret it. Hatzacha Rabbah! It's gonna all be good.

can you tell me more about the book? there is just a lot going on in gye/
thanx

goldwings wrote on 10 Jun 2025 06:09:

IIt will help you attain a life-changing shift in your perspective on overcoming tests, and in your relationship to Judaism as well. There's a thread in the Break Free section with testimonials from some people it has helped, as well.