Day 473

Been battlin' urges the last couple days...
Spent some time last night engagin' in some (pathetic) lust. 
Pretty sure I know that it's comin' from stress in my life (along with the other random pains that have been occuring...)

Was feelin' pretty down today.

Postin' here for some accountability and to get it out of my system.

Darn it, just did it again.
Gotta get a grip.
(And get to sleep earlier. Alone time late at night is dangerous.)

proudyungerman wrote on 02 May 2025 05:44:

Once upon a midnight dreary 
while I pondered, weak and weary….

                 … Quoth the PY- NEVERMORE 

YEAH. It’s an unfortunate Emes that when the rational brain is exhausted and healthy emotions are completely depleted, there’s far less resistance to urges that well up, especially those rooted in feelings of despondency and emotional malaise. Been there…

Throwing in the towel early (and maybe getting up early) helps a lot.

Andvthe new day has light on the horizon…

Eyes to the east,
Hang tight- 
Shabbos is coming, babe, 
 Here’s a hug, 

chaimoigen

At the risk  of stating the obvious, lest anyone think otherwise. We're talking about a guy who is very far from what GYE considers a fall, and perhaps even a slip. Real growth, is when the more subtle slips are considered big, and not being embarrassed to post them, so they don't become bigger. Pure inspiration!!!

Day 476

BH so far so good since Thursday night.
Situation hasn't hanged, hopefully my reaction to it will continue to hold up.

I want to thank everyone who reached out to check up on me, I was really touched.
Real friends make all the difference.

I want to share a win from Friday.
I was in the store quite close to Shabbos and when I walked in to the store there was a nice looking girl who I was about to walk past. I went back and forth in my mind if I should look at her with lust and BH, with help from the TBOTG mentality that I've been working on for quite a while (shout out to my two special chaverim who let me join their TBOTG group!) I decided not to. As I passed her, I saw it was someone I know. Boy was I happy with my decision!

Day 487

I want to share a win from last week.
I was reading a book that I had absolutely no reason to assume who have any issues.
I was flipping through it and came across some highly inappropriate pictures. BH I quickly kept on moving and ended up deciding to rip the offending pages out and throw them away.
I had another win that night also.

The funny thing about those two wins, which I was very proud of, was that the images stayed in my mind and kept coming back to haunt for a good couple of days. That hasn't happened in a while.
I think it's mainly because I am in a more vulnerable state right now. (I think that's also why seemingly "normal" sights that cross my vision are more triggering to me.)

Either way, I am BH holding strong, staying in touch more with friends from here, reading TBOTG well with real life authenticity and trying to really to put in into practice. 
One thing I need to do more is work on my bitachon. (If anyone has any good recommendations, please LMK.)

Faith Over Fear by Rav Yechiel Perr (on דרכי הבטחון) has been very instrumental for me, I highly recommend it...

Muttel wrote on 16 May 2025 13:41:

Me too. Ditto!

Day 500!

Wow.
This is the day that, for a long time, never thought would come. It's hard to believe that 500 days ago, not to much earlier than this, I was busy gettin' sledgehammered by HHM himself.

I am starting to appreciate the beauty of many thousands of small, consistent, good choices that are, BH, snowballing into a real avalanche of real change. (There were some big moments, too.)

I was reflecting recently on the title of my thread "The Real Me" and how apropos it is. When I came on, my intent wasn't exactly the nicest. It was, here is a disgusting human bein' that has engaged in some terrible sexual behaviors. This is the real me, the me that no one knows. Now, 500 days later, I can BH say that the title of this thread, and really the (pajama-clad, basement dwelling unfortunate, but I have to say this - iykyk) person behind this thread, is the real me. I have learnt, and continue to improve on, how to seamlessly integrate the multiple different parts of me into one, human, growth-filled Eved Hashem. My GYE friends, you know "The Real Me", most of all!

To all the silent, lurkin' GYE'ers, 
It is possible! 
Please consider reachin' out to a mentor* or a friend or postin' your story (or some of it)!
Please give it a shot. For real. It's much easier with the hand of a friend.
Please. 
Just do it.

*Here's a small list to start:
HHM - Hashem Help Me - is the mentor-in-chief around here. He's reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com.
Some of the other great mentors here are Eerie - 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, Muttel - muttel15@gmail.com,   Reb Akiva - mevakesh247@gmail.com minhamayim - minhamayim1@gmail.com amevakesh - amevakesh23@gmail.com, iwannalivereal - iwannalivereal@gmail.com, yiftach - yiftach1609@gmail.com

proudyungerman wrote on 29 May 2025 04:56:

That's a powerful way to look at it.

Mazal tov!

I second alex's thoughts, that is really a beautiful way to express what many of us strive for. Should be an inspirational bumper-sticker, or mabey something a little more choshuv..

Mazel Tov - ImyH by 5000!