Hi,
I'm a married man with 4 kids. When I was single this goes back 8 years, I had an inappropriate relationship with a girl. It was my first time being with a girl. I broke it off after a while and after several months I shidduch dated my wife and the rest is history. 
I never told my wife about this girl.

Secretly I never stopped thinking about this other girl, I probably think about her every day. This other girl had a very traumatic upbringing and deals with many many issues, She's very unhealthy. 
She reached out to me several weeks ago that she wants to meet up with me. I told her I'm married and it would be very inappropriate for me to have a relationship with her. I ended up blocking her number and moving on even though it was very difficult. 

She reached out to me again over WhatsApp last night saying that she misses me etc. I told her again that I'm married with kids and I can't be in touch with her. It would be very unfair to them. I'll admit that while i said that to her there is still a part of me pulling to her very strongly but I'm trying to not go there. She said "I hear you" but then started messaging me more questions like "But are you doing ok" and "how many kids do you have".
I did not respond. 

I'm having trouble focusing on things today. I have an urge to respond to her.
I never stopped thinking about her

Any advice?

Probably best to just ignore her. Nothing good can come of it

Shalom Brother,

That must be tough to have that come back from your past. 

Agreeing with Yiddo. You already said your piece. Any further interaction, even to tell her no, is just more connecting that is not positive. 

I think best to block the WhattsApp and don't respond at all to any further attempts on her part. Certainly don't reach out from your end.

If you have someone you trust, or would like to connect with one of the great mentors here, it may be beneficial to have an accountability partner that can back you up and help guide you through any future challenges if needed.

(You might feel bad for her, given her past, and that's understandable, but that is of no consequence to you, as it would be inappropriate and dangerous for you to be any sort of support for her now).

Hatzlacha and stay strong. You know what the right thing is going forward. (Perhaps might be worthwhile exploring a path to letting your daily thoughts go, but one thing at a time, and what's on your plate right now should be the focus).

Hey there!

that’s rough.

i know the feeling, there’s this pull so powerful to just respond and see where it goes. 
but what a slippery slope. Honestly im impressed you shut it down so quickly, that would be a real challenge for me!

much Hatzlacha my Freind!

i have a letter in my thread that i wrote to someone that i needed to say goodbye to. it is difficult, but it is important not to leave any openings for further contact of any kind. in your case i highly reccomend not responding at all to any messages. eventually they will stop. if you have a therapist, this is definitely worth a session. if not, find someone here that you can talk to until you clarify in your heart and mind that you will never be in contact with this person again.

modeani99 wrote on 01 May 2025 15:20:

Hi MA, 

I feel terrible for you. I know the feeling all too well. 

I am reposting an old post from my previous incarnation in hopes that you can take something out of it, 




A big bustling office with a few yiden and lots of Porto Rican and Dominican young women. 
Sits a very lonely and hypersexualized Yungerman who has been addicted to sex for 15 years, but has never been with an other women besides his wife. He craves attention and love. Knows how to sweet talk anyone he wants to get with. 
He is searching for someone who is halfway attractive that he can at least fantasize about, he needs to feel that rush, that excitement, that thrill.
For awhile, he finds nobody interesting, untill he saw her once. A wild untamed Porto Rican girl. She is on fire, funny, and she seems to like him. 
This starts a few years of fun talks, texting, chatting, flirting, fantasies and excitement. 
She offered him a million times to at least hug or kiss him, he was torn to pieces between his infatuation to this women and his actual wife whom he loved deeply, but never developed that kind of open and deep relationship. Plus he thinks of himself as en erliche yungerman who would never touch another women, let alone a GOYTA! So he is ripped to shreds every day. 
It got so bad that he started questioning his whole belief system, why cant he touch her? who says its a problem? does he even believe in anything anymore?!! 
He had to go down real deep to figure out that YES! he believes in everything a yid needs to believe and this is not something he will ever do. But the triggers are still there. What to do? Hashem took the problem away suddenly, she left that job from 1 day to the other. So no more daily interactions BH! 

But they still spoke randomly, they saw each other now and then, she called him "my boo" she even gave him a Spanish version of his Yidish Name.

Then came the catalyst, the company made their annual holiday party, everyone comes dressed (read undressed) to the tee. All made up and flirty.
She was also invited to the party even though she didnt work there anymore. Of course he was so excited a whole night that his crush is there he couldnt think clearly. She was drunk of out of her mind
The music started playing a dace song and everyone started dancing, the yiden weren't partaking in the dance. 
But she came over to him and begged him to dance with her, he refused, she was adamant, come on its just dancing. He was indescribably torn and broken. But he still resolved himself, No, im sorry, i cant, he said. All night he was tossing and turning about this. what the hell is wrong with him?

The next morning, he sent made up his mind, he snet her an email before he can change it back. 
In it he basically said that this is not working for him, he cant do this anymore, and good bye. 
She sent back something hurtful that he cant remember. But that was it. It hurt for a long time, But he is happy and thanks Hashem that he didnt let him fall into that pit of hell.  

Hi!
My dear friend, Modeani, please do yourself a huge favor and get in touch with a good guy here who can guide you step by step. You need support, and your whole life is on the line. The feelings you have are very normal, and you must learn to control them and to cut off completely with this girl. For that, you need support. I'd suggest HHM, michelgelner@gmail.com, or email me at the email in my signature and I'll share more ideas and contact info

We are here for you. You can do this, and you must

החיים והמוות נתתי לפניך… ובחרת בחיים

יש קונה עולמו בשעה אחת

Something to think about

Wow that's very special that you don't want to go down that path. I am mekane you!

I wish you the strength you need to get over this speed bump, and keep trucking!

Hey brother, I've been there. It's tough. The fantasy plays out in so many different ways, yet at home, emotionally and spiritually estranged from the wife it is lonely...

I had a very very similar story. She was also in a bad place. I reached out to a few mentors - old timers in AA and SA and talked it out. 

I thanked Gd for the opportunity but respectfully declined. I sent a text back saying this won't work for me and wrote it in an obnoxious unfriendly way. then when I deleted the number I was desperate to find it again. 

I have a problem that I thought I could solve by sticking my lower brain into all kinds of holes it shouldn't be in. That didn't work (at least not for me). 

For the past few months, I've been putting in extra effort to be unselfish, thinking of my wife and her life from her perspective. Rebuilding the spiritual connection. The thing I was looking for was in my home the whole time. It was the connection I was looking for, but I only recently learned that I could only find it by giving not by taking. 

It's going to be a long journey but the ride is interesting and it only gets better. 

You are not alone. 

You don't need to feel this way all the time. 

There are people who have been where you are who can guide you. 

It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to take positive and proactive action and too do something about it. 

You are a good person trying to get better. keep it up! 

Is there any update?

Thanks all!

The update is that i read all the responses a few times.
I blocked her number but I'm still thinking about her. Today I was thinking about what it would look like if I agreed to meet her.
My wife is an overall kind person but for some reason this other girl has my attention.
When my brain is more logical i see that being in touch with this other girl will lead me down a very bad path. It will not be easy to break off and I may end up with a broken marriage along with a lot of pain.
On the other hand I still feel this huge pull.
Perhaps an accountability partner might be good but I'm not sure. Is there someplace on this site to sign up?
I know this girl is very unhealthy since she's frum and I'm frum and she knows I'm married but she was still trying to get me to talk to her and meet up. I'm assuming she must be beyond desperate. This can't be a good person to be in a healthy relationship with so it'll be painful for me if i do get closer. But somehow logic doesn't stop the urge. 
In the past 8 years since i had a relationship with her I've never stopped thinking about her
Is that normal? Will I always be thinking about her?

The good news is that I didn't respond to her so I'm just trying to keep it that way..

What do you guys think?

It's a great idea to find an accountability partner.
You know already how bad of an idea it is to hook up with her.
Did you ask yourself why you keep second guessing the facts?
What are you missing that you are trying to fill? 
When do thoughts of her come up? 
Are you escaping day to day life with fantasy? 

modeani99 wrote on 04 May 2025 18:17:

First of all, shkoyach for ignoring her advances! 

as far why you keep thinking about her even over the past 8 years, I have a theory.
1) she’s not your wife, and מים גנובים יומתקו 
2) you mentioned you had premarital intimacy with her. That creates a bond that isn’t easy to shake, so I’m not surprised you keep thinking about her.

Keep strong, גם זה יעבור!

Let me tell you something, my dear friend—I’ve been down this road, and I know exactly what this is. Please hear me out. At the end of the day, you’re not going to feel good about this—not in the short term, and definitely not in the long term. She’s not in this for you. She’s using you. She’s playing with your emotions, and when she’s done, she’ll drop you like garbage. That’s the reality.And if I can speak honestly—yeah, this might sound blunt—but it’s even worse than falling into straight-up shmutz. Because over there, at least there’s a fake feeling like you got something. Here, she draws you in, makes you feel important, gives you attention—and then throws you out like trash. You’re left confused, hurt, and full of regret.This isn’t about Hell, and I’m not here giving mussar about the yetzer hara. I’m talking about your self-respect. Your dignity. You’re not some object to be used and tossed away. You’re a ben melech. You have value. Don’t let someone cheapen you like this. It’s just not worth it.