Hi!
I’ve been on here for quite a while, never really posted tho.
I’ve been having a rough time recently, I can’t seem to get myself past 2 weeks.

my struggle started from way back when, I mean even in first grade my mind was already curious. 
I didn’t actually discover porn till I got a device in 6th grade or so, from that point I was kinda hooked. Of course all the feelings of sham and secrecy were constantly present and quite hard to deal with.
no one ever taught me about these kinda things.
i struggled till 9th grade and then some weird thing happened. I decided to stop, and i did, for a full 5 years.
pretty crazy no?
in that time i was in a mind space were sexual acting out was so not an option.
then one night I was after a farbrengen, I drank a bit of mashke, and I m’d.
like what?!?! How did that happen.
i have no clue.
but that was 3 years ago and since then it’s been a struggle. Up and down.
I’ve had some long streaks like 150 days, but that passed, now I’m just trying to get past 30.

I’ve reached out to some members here, but I need some solid support, I need someone I can speak to and a group I can be in touch with.

anyway, feel free to reach out,

my email is mendel08040@gmail.com

Big welcome 
kudos for taking this seriously and trying to work on it now instead of waiting till you're older
Much hatzlocho on your journey 

Welcome to the warmest family in the world!

Here you will find true care, concern, and warmth.
Here you will learn that you CAN break free!

Have you tried any of these tools?
There is the F2F Program, the Vaad Program (click here for an explanation of what the vaad is), and the book The Battle of the Generation - many have found this very helpful in reframin' the struggle, as you mentioned.
Posting is a great way to connect, learn, and grow also. 
(The Hall of Fame Thread is a great compilation of some the great threads on GYE.)

There is also an extremely powerful tool of accountability, friends, and mentors, as has been mentioned, that has helped hundreds - myself included.
HHM - Hashem Help Me - is the mentor-in-chief around here. He's reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com.
Some of the other great guys here are Eerie - 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, Muttel - muttel15@gmail.com,   Reb Akiva - mevakesh247@gmail.com iwantlife - iwantlifegye@proton.me minhamayim - minhamayim1@gmail.com amevakesh - amevakesh23@gmail.com

Keep postin', you'll see, the oilam is here for you.

Lookin' forward to seeing great things from you!
And don't forget, as always, KOMT!!

Hi.

Kol hakavod for taking the plunge.

As has been mentioned, your best bet really is reaching out to one of the mentors. But the chevra on the forum are a tremendous source of chizuk and friendship too

Hi Mendel,

You are not alone. You are good. You are loved. 

Don't forget to be kind to yourself as you go through this journey of healing.

Many of us tend to be hard on ourselves. 

Hashem loves us

-RR

Thanks for the warm welcome!

I wanna try to make this a bit of a journal to describe my challenge a bit.
i would love to hear feedback back from the oilom.

so here goes.
i just reach 14 days clean them this morning i slipped up.
i found a way to get passed my filter from webchaver.

i feel like I need a stronger filter then that.
anyone have any thoughts?

well, anyways, I was feeling really great for knocking out 2 weeks, and then the slip.

you see, I’m a very organized type of guy. I love when everything runs smoothly and works perfectly with the schedule I plan out ahead of time.

the issue (from a humans perspective) is that gd runs the show and life is never perfect.
so when those changes come it really rocks my boat. I kinda become disoriented and loose all my momentum.

then I feel like a looser and like I did something wrong and I am lacking something, so I go to p.
it’s feels great. All issues fall away. I have no longer any worries, and then it’s over.
just like that.
i got the brain fog and less time.
so maybe I’ll even go at it again.

i used to mess up and immediately regret it. Right away sling shot back into action full force and work on myself.

but even that I don’t have anymore.
im kinda lacking the drive to do the work.
im lacking the drive read the books, do a f2f course. Even to call someone.

but the shame is there.
oh baby its there.

im a teacher. My students love me. I’m their role model. And I feel like crap.

im sometimes to ashamed to call anyone. Even if i do, I can’t even say the words “i watched porn”

idk guys.

thanks for hearing me out brothas.

wish me luck on day one tomorrow.

Shalom Brother Menchu,

It's sure tough to feel stuck in a pattern.

Sometimes we wait for motivation and it doesn't come. What can help is jumping in anyways and perhaps that will wake up your drive to do more. Have you considered trying the GYE Vaad that Proundyungerman mentioned in his post above? It is a great way to start connection without the pressure of a one-on-one call, and you can just listen, and share only as much as you are comfortable sharing.

Start with something small. One 5-minute video from F2F or the vaad meets (anonymous phone conference) once per week, or read just 2 pages of a book before lunch. Once you get your feet moving on the ground, you might find that you are able to build traction. 

Wishing you hatzlacha.

Thank you for that, I signed up to the vaad and  will see were it goes.

im at day 3 clean here. Had a rough time today walking to shul and back. It’s a 20 minute walk and it’s down a busy block that has plenty of opportunities to peek. Between immodest billboards and people, I find myself looking everywhere trying to get a glimpse of something. B”h there was nothing so still going at it, but it was challenging.

there was one billboard which is super not clean displayed over the street and every day when I pass it, even if I don’t look intentionally, I always catch a glimpse of it, it’s hard not to.

anyway, I was walking home from shul and I decided to not even notice the fact that there was a billboard.

i looked down at the ground and didn’t look up till I passed it.

that was a victory, but it dealt kinda silly, because while I was avoiding that billboard my eyes are glancing to the side to maybe catch a peak of something.

there’s gotta be some sorta explanation to how that works. I dont want to look at a billboard I know is bad, but I feal fine to search for something not clean.

wtvr, anyway, I have an accountability thing on my laptop and they send screenshots to me and my accountability partner. Well 3 days ago I watched p and they sent me the screenshots!
how silly!!
they sent me pics of p!!
I almost fell but I deleted the email first.

A part of me is telling me to already consider it a fall.
but imna try not to look at it this way.

tomorrow’s Sunday and hopefully day number 4!!