170. Hodu Lashem!

Being in touch with the oilam here is a real chizzuk. 

Ive been noticing that im being lusty in the way I look at intimacy with my wife. I'm asking Hashem to guide me in working on this. Maybe I sometimes behave more loving than lustful, even making high level choices in that way, but I still feel the animal in me roar. I'm motivated to work on this because although my lust is somewhat in check, I feel it very much there, and I want to become a more elevated and less animalistic person.

This sounds like a beautiful ideal
One note of caution, if I may add my thoughts.
I may be wrong, but these are my thoughts
I think most of us like good food. And we enjoy good food. Are there people that have worked on themselves to the point that good food means nothing to them? I assume that yes, there are real baalei madreiga, but they are just that: baalei madreiga. The regular guy, the wonderful baal aliyah, he enjoys good food. He might even feel a small sense of disappointment when the planned BBQ is canceled. And no, he's not a bad person, and he's not animalistic, etc. If he'd be getting really upset when the waiter took away the piece of shnitzel he was looking at, or he lost control in some way when he got to the ice cream store and it was closed, then we have an issue
I believe the same is true for our sexual desires.
Yes, we should realize that sex is not the most important thing in the world, and yes, we should focus on the person, and bonding, connecting, on the emotional high, yes, these are all true. And a guy who either disrespects his wife because if his tayva, or even if inside of him there's a fire because it didn't work out, that's something he seriously needs to work on. But I don't believe it takes away from the baal aliyah that he enjoys it, or that he looks forward to the physical enjoyment intimacy provides. Are there there baalei madreigah to whom the enjoyment means nothing? Perhaps. But that doesn't say that the average guy is doing something wrong in any what way. I don't know anyone that's a masmid like Reb Aharon Kotler was, and that doesn't make them any less of the precious loimdei Torah that they are. Yes, the focus of man should be on the person, not the body, and the goal should be emotional bonding. But don't try taking away the physical enjoyment if you're not really holding there
Again, just my two cents

eerie wrote on 17 Jun 2025 18:03:

Thank you for the perspective, this helps me clarify what I'm feeling. 
I wasnt thinking of taking away physical enjoyment, just thinking how to not feel possessed by it, so it can be like you say something provided by intimacy and not the intimacy overtaken by sex drive and lust. Right now I dont feel like a can even be at all present emotionally because of the lust.

Apparently there's more than one rock bottom. And while I may not be at one, I can't use that to disract me from the other. Rough times. Are these the products of my past falls coming back to haunt me? Who knows. 

I think I need to be more clear for myself. I'm in the midst of very challenging personal and marital situation. Its weighing down on me very much. I have been carrying on with life to whatever degree possible, but the last few weeks I have become quite depressed and I'm having rage attacks (not directed at anyone) breaking things, feeling totally consumed by the emotion. When it happens I feel like I completely lose myself, much like when an urge takes over and all one is left with is tunnel vision.

alex94 wrote on 14 Jul 2025 15:14:

Hey Alex,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time. Feeling out of control and not wanting to be is really stressful.

Anger can be categorized as a secondary emotion, meaning it is covering up a different emotion, like hopelessness. Seems like you've already identified the source in your case - being in a challenging period, putting in a lot of effort, and not seeing positive results (yet). Feeling stuck, or like you don't have control over this situation that you'd like to and are trying to improve. Sadness and frustration are both understandable responses. "Carrying on" is highly commendable, but gets exhausting. How deeply have you dug into and processed the reasons behind your pushing though? You can try on your own to mentally and physically stay strong. You can also lean on some friends to help bear the burden and improve moral. 

You have a valid reason to feel this way and shouldn't bury those feelings. It is both sad and frustrating. How can you let those feelings in and then back out before they get overwritten by uncontrollable anger?

I hope things get better for you soon Brother.

I'm sorry you're going through so much. Is it possible that it's helpful to focus on the present moment (sights, sounds, touch, smells, tastes) and slow down? Maybe breathe deeply (into your diaphragm rather than shallow breathing) and focus on your breath going in and out? I believe focusing on the present moment and learning to control difficult emotions can also help controlling P & M. It's very strong of you to share your emotions like this. I don't know that I could do that. Rabbi YY Jacobson has a powerful Torah Anytime daily dose on mindfulness that might help. I'll check the website to see what it's called. Mindfulness and breathwork might help you control these difficult, but valid emotions.

"It's not you" by YY Jacobson.
Available in the daily dose TorahAnytime app.
If someone can post the link it would be great.

Dose #533

mountainclimb wrote on 14 Jul 2025 19:33:

I feel like maybe this is standard cliche stuff you say to a person in trouble. Kind of what an AI would say. Like the old famous saying "if you don't have anything intelligent to say don't say nothing." Idk. I hope it helps. I think what I've written is helpful if used, but it's also cliche, factory produced psychology.

"When things come up, don't be afraid of any of your feelings. You are bigger than any of your emotions. You are a container. You can contain anything that is happening in your brain..It could be deep anger, deep pain, deep frustration. 

Look at it, observe it. Don't make it yours. I am not my trauma I am not my anger, I am not my depression. It will teach u what u have to work on. It will teach u where ur struggles may be.

The great babaalei machshava call thoughts levushim (garments). You can take them off, put them on. I am not my pants even if I've been wearing them for 10 years. It looks like me because it is so connected to me but it's not me.

Your thoughts are not u.

Who are you?

You are love.

You are divine. You are Hashem's light in this world.

The power of a neshama is incredible. And when i can look at that  and see it for what it is, I can look at everything else for what it is, and not become a victim to it.

(RabRabbi YY Jacobson, rough excerpt).

My dear friend Alex94, here's a really tight hug. I love you, my dear, dear friend. I'm so sorry for the pain. Please hold on tight. We are davening for you

alex94 wrote on 14 Jul 2025 15:14:

The situation has improved in some areas BH. In addition, while there have been times when waves of anger and other very strong emotion rose up, I have managed to better "hold kup" and not be entirely consumed to the point I had been (breaking things etc). The on and offline support of many of you has been an incredible source of strength and hope. @vehkam I think of some of what you shared almost every tefilla

Wow, in times like this it's even harder to keep climbing this huge mountain.... keep going strong.... and remember that Hashem listen to our tfilus especially in these day that hashem is much closer to us