Hi Everyone,
First of all, I want to say how much I’m in awe of all you who post here on GYE and are actively working on this struggle. I’ve been coming here on and off for a while, and to see everyone sharing, learning, and growing is so amazing. I’m truly humbled by all of you and hope to stay around and learn how to win this battle. For me, just opening up about my struggles is not going to be easy (I have lots of shame), but I’m sure whatever I’m about to share has been said and heard before.
I’m from a Jewish non-observant home and became a BT when I was 19. My father was niftar when I was young, and I have few memories of him. I was a very sensitive, anxious kid growing up, naturally shy, and didn’t do well socially. I discovered mb from around age 11, and not long after p**n. Soon, I was doing it at least twice a day if not more. As I entered adolescence, I found I was physically attracted to guys, but not at all or very little to girls. I never acted on these feelings. Instead, I had a lot of shame and confusion about these feelings and without a male role model in my life, couldn’t talk to anyone about it. It was a very sad and difficult time for me. I felt I was different from other boys. They would always talk about how hot certain girls were, etc. and I couldn’t understand what they meant. As a result, I felt less than and intimidated by boys since they were “normal”, and I was “not normal”. After graduating high school, I was pretty confused about a lot of things in life.
Then, through total hashgacho, I met a loving, warm orthodox family in our neighborhood, and I was introduced to real Yiddishkeit. It offered me connection, structure, warmth, acceptance, and most of all, a path in life. I really took to it, and it wasn’t long before I began to keep Shabbos. Being a BT, I felt like I had a lot to learn and many years to make up for. I enrolled in yeshiva full-time and eventually spent a few years learning full-time in Eretz Yisrael too.
As I was becoming more observant, I learned that mb and p**n were asur and began to try to stop. Being in yeshiva full-time I was able to stop looking at p**n completely, and when I turned 20, I wanted to stop mb as well. It was a very tough struggle for me, but somehow between ages 20 and 24 when I got married, I only fell 3 times. Although I was very proud of this accomplishment, I had a lot of other issues to deal with. First of all, I was constantly plagued by all kinds of images from my adolescence, especially those of guys I was so attracted to. These thoughts would torture me day and night without end and would pop into my head at the worst possible times, like during learning and davening, or when I would be doing a mitzvah. The fear of these thoughts caused me to think them and so controlling them was impossible.
Aside from this, certain guys in yeshiva would trigger me instantly just by looking at them, so I had to always “guard my eyes” and look away. I guess this is how I kept shmiras enayim, because staring at an immodestly dressed girl did zero to me. I had so many issues to deal with. Going to the mikvah was like walking into a minefield, in fact, simply seeing a guy getting dressed or undressed in my dorm room was problematic. I had to constantly be vigilant not to get triggered, and that weighed heavily on me. Despite all these challenges, I wanted to get married and have a family. I wanted to make up for my past and build for myself what I never had growing up.
As I started to date, I noticed girls liked my good middos and sweet, easy-going personality. I was no alpha male, if anything I was a beta male - but I noticed girls could be attracted to me, and that gave me a boost. Soon after, I met my wife, and we became engaged. I knew she was very pretty and was confident she would be a wonderful wife and mother. Although I admit I wasn’t physically attracted to her, I loved her personality. When the wedding night finally came, things began to get a bit complicated. She saw me shaking like a leaf and tried her best to be reassuring and understanding. I told her in all honesty that I wanted to give this a try, but didn’t know if it would work. We lived together about a week until I was finally able to consummate our marriage. Things have improved since then, but bottom line, the expression of love and intimacy with my wife comes from an emotional attraction I have for her rather than a physical attraction. Today, Baruch Hashem our marriage is a solid success, and we have kids too - but I’m still a piece of work because of all my physical attractions that pull me in different directions.
For a number of years after we were married, I was able to continue to control myself and stayed out of harm’s way, but my SSA never improved. The ugly, intrusive thoughts from my past were less frequent, but they could still pop up from time to time. I could still get triggered from just seeing certain guys, so I had to be very careful never to stare. These attractions weren’t easy to manage because they came with feelings of shame. I was ashamed I was attracted to other guys and believed something must be wrong with me. Since I was naturally intimidated by successful men, entering the working world became a whole new challenge for me when my boss was a man. I lost a number of jobs simply because I believed my boss thought I was incompetent.
As time went on, this internal battle was slowly wearing me down. One day, I had to find a file saved on a work associate’s computer and discovered he didn’t have a filter. The weight of everything I was carrying at that moment was overwhelming, and I looked at gay p**n. That was the beginning of a downward spiral that I have yet to recover from. So, I’ve come today to share my story and to admit to all of you that I’ve lost this battle so many times and feel powerless over it. I want to stop but have no confidence I’ll be able to. I also want to say that I feel different and scared, and this is also a challenge for me, but I hope you'll accept me anyways and help me improve. Sorry for the long post and thank you for listening.
