hi guys, this is my first time posting on the GYE adult forum, i used to be on the teen hub but i graduated a short while back and never posted yet, so heres my 'story':

I am 18 and in yeshiva in North America. B"H i grew up in an amazing family, great friends, good school and a happy yiddishkeit/spiritual life. at about 14 (9th grade) my hormones started getting attracted to inappropriate vids on YouTube etc. i didn't even know why or what (i only learnt about puberty later on...) but it got more intense until i discovered P***. It was BAD, let me tell you. B"H it was not my introduction to s*x as i was taught the Jewish view on s*x in 6th or 7th grade, i think that was a big part of my success in the first fall. unfortunately i couldn't speak about my horrific discovery that became a habit and shortly an addiction with the one who talk me about s*x for whatever personal reason. so i was left to slip down the slippery slope of tumah by myself.
Thank you hashem that M*********** never really was my weakness, of course i've had tough times with that especially after a long 'session' of p*** but i don't think i was ever addicted.
anyways it got to a really bad point in 11th grade, i was up half the night for weeks just trying to find crazier and crazier, you know what i mean. i don't think i was using p*** to numb myself bec as i didn't really have too many stresses in my life bli ayin hora, i think it was a slow build-up of the yetzer hora re-wiring my brain through strong taiva that caused my addiction. 
one night after weeks of nightly heavy duty p*** i wanted to watch something to keep me stimulated but it had to be kosher, so i googled 'kosher video sites' and lo and behold GYE popped right up so i checked it out and although i heard of it before i never knew what it was for, but it seemed hashem sent me hope when i was at a really low spot so i decided to sign up, it's anonymous after all!!
i tried some of the tools and was like 'hey, man we've got some hope' then i discovered the teen hub which made me feel normal and human once again, it was really really really essential for me to see that this is normal and to interact with people openly about these struggles. i really learnt and grew a lot there, now i'm starting my journey with the men i hope it'll be the same great if not better!

i don't think my story is anything compared to the other giant warriors on here, but i just wanted to introduce myself:blush:
thanks for reading!

Hi welcome to the forum !

Have you been able to stay clean ? If so what works for you ?

Welcome aboard to the warmest family in klal yisroel!

I would recommend to hold accountability you make a daily (or every few days) update on your thread. It can help give you motivation getting back on track. I personally found it very helpful.

Wishing you great luck from Yerushalayim Ir Hakodesh!

StopSurvivngStartLiving

Welcome to this part of the site! Try strengthening yourself with these great free resources:

1) The Battle of the Generation: a sensational free ebook that seriously gets you excited to fight and win this fight. It's a real game-changer.

2) The Fight: an incredible audio series from Rabbi Shafier.

Links are below in my signature. Wishing you much success!

gyefeller wrote on 01 Nov 2024 05:41:

Your journey here will be much better with Hashem's help. Please keep on inspiring us with your insights and by sharing your wins!

Reb yid, welcome! 
We look forward to hearing more from you. 

Your struggle sounds familiar from my yeshiva days! Don't stop reaching out and staying in touch with the chevra here. 

They'll drag you up from low points and bring you up to true kedusha! They are the best. 

davidt wrote on 01 Nov 2024 15:30:

Sorry for the edit. I get inspired by the ups and the downs, by those that pick themselves up when they've fallen, and by those that push themselves when the dust is choking them. It's probably what you also meant, just clarifying. 

Thank you guys for the warm welcome:blush:
as @levaryeh mentioned i left out where i'm holding right now, so i'll fill that in:
after seeing all those great teens just crushing the YH i decided- I'M NEXT, and went on to declare that i will get a 90 day streak, so i treid and only got 8 days. treid again and got 25, tried again and Baruch Hashem got way more than 90! and then i fell. and fell again. and again. and almost gave up.
at that point no devices in my house were filtered, so i gathered the courage and spoke to my rebbi who totally understood me and helped me filter my own device and i made gedarim for using the other devices (for example- only with someone else in the room, or i have to keep the door open and stand...).
i was good for a while and eventually succumbed to my taivos at one of the unfiltered devices in my house, so again with hashem holding my hand (i could feel it. for real.) i found TaPHSiC, which i was scared to do at first but with my rebbi's guidance worked wonders and bli ayin hora is still working, it's a real wall, if you do it right.
although it's been months since i viewed real p***, but i have watched inappropriate videos and have m********** over Bein hazmanim, but over all i'm doing good now.

Thanks @captain i do have to finish reading BOTG and listen to the whole 'fight' series.

i gotta go now but i will IY"H keep on updating you guys through this thread

Wish I could muster the courage to talk to a rabbi about this, amazing that you were able to ! Have you tried any sort of accountability program before ?

thanks! It was quite awkward speaking to my rebbi the first time, but i knew that other guys speak to him about these things and he's a really warm, non-judgmental and caring yid so i decided 'gotta do what you gotta do' and called him after yeshiva one night and told him 'we gotta speak' and Baruch Hashem it went really well.
about the accountability, i don't think i did any real accountability program before. Is there a good system here?

gyefeller wrote on 02 Nov 2024 23:22:

With a mentor is the best way for accountability, just send him a text every night how your day went, if you're still clean.

But most of all through out the day keep on calling every time you feel vulnerable to look at something or someone call him before and after.

It's always good and recommended to have more than one mentor just in case you can't get thru to one you'll have another one to call.

Are you in touch with HHM, or MUTTEL or EERIE or all the other ones they're all great 

is it possible to have a seasonal mentor? like just for off shabbosim and bein hazmanim? because i'm going back to yeshiva soon where i don't really have as much nisyonos.
also how would i get in touch? and how can i learn more about them to see who would be the best fit for me?
thanks for your help!

seasonal mentor is also great so long as you take care of yourself when not available, like if lets say you have a rebby in yeshiva who you really trust and he's not a judgemental kinda person who can keep posted while in yeshiva, then you've got both worlds.

as far as one being the right fit, I dont think there is much of a difference, we're all here to help each other and non of us are judgemental which is the main thing that matters, (unless if you have some unique thing that only certain people can relate to)
but first try hhm his email is michelgelner@gmail.com, he's the prime minister, the mentor of all the mentors, and if you want ask him who he recomends you to talk to.

Hatzlacha raba with love akiva

unfortunately i don't got no mentors in yeshiv's. but i'll shoot an email to hhm and ask for his advice.
the issue is during the zman i don't need the constant chizuk, but then Bein hazmanim comes and i realize that i've forgotten how hard it is to keep pure, so maybe a bi-weekly chizuk 'shmuz' will do the trick.
thanks for all your help and care, it truly gives me strength to rise through the hard times when i know there are people like you who care about every up and down i have! so thanks for your inspiration!
p.s. i might not be on here for a few weeks till an off shabbos (unless i get access somehow...), but i'll have ya'll in my thoughts and prayers!