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TOPIC: My ENTIRE story 4793 Views

Re: My ENTIRE story 29 May 2024 16:19 #414332

chaimoigen
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youknowwho wrote on 29 May 2024 13:30:

However, if one is no longer masturbating, why on earth would I choose to torture myself endlessly?

This can sometimes be a very helpful strategy for staying out of trouble. It’s not a particularly religious cheshbon, it’s just basic common sense! Don’t do things that will torture yourself, just keep your nose out of where it doesn’t belong and you’ll be fine.

Makes good sense.
However, a pragmatic approach should also include a guy encouraging himself to take a close look at what makes him “Go Looking” to fall.

Because sometimes we do. Sometimes, an honest and painful look back at the search history at the end of the night will show that we were really looking to end up falling from the night’s beginning, just it took some dancing around near edge of the cliff until we slipped…

What precipitate that feeling, that feeling that pushed me in that direction? What planted the “itch” deep in my bones? What need do I have that unfulfilled that sometimes drives me to torture myself?

Awareness in this area can help a lot.
And even without dealing with the sometimes difficult, underlying issues, when a guy knows that “when I feel X I get itchy”, it helps to be careful to keep your nose clean then, careful not to choose this time to take a walk on the edge of the slip-n-slide….

Pragmatic, real stuff.
Tastes like living.

מאן דבעי חיים

Please feel free to reach out anytime at chaim.oigen@gmail.com

Last Edit: 29 May 2024 16:22 by chaimoigen.

Re: My ENTIRE story 29 May 2024 16:51 #414341

Muttel
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Thanks R' CO!

I want to just share a quick thought with the Olam as I hit my 3 weeks mark - a thought that may be mechazek others as it was me.

Chancy posted previously about the fact that I was clean for 12 years before falling during the Covid months. When I responded, dissecting myself and concluding that there chinks in my kedusha armor long before 2020, I was struck by the following: prior to 21 days ago (when I got onto GYE), my own view of myself as a disgusting good for nothing wouldn't have allowed for calm, honest self-dissection...

Only now, having worked hard the last 21 days and regained a positive self image of a man who cares and struggles, was it not even a bother for me to engage in dissecting myself.

A tremendous thanks goes to GYE and the malachim on this forum who are selflessly dedicated to holding my and other's hands throughout this journey. Besides the actual help to be cleaned from porn and the like, the healthy ability to relate to myself with some sense of objectivity is a wonderous by product of this avoda!

I hope I'm clear in my point...

Muttel

We're in this struggle together; feel free to reach out!
Muttel15@gmail.com

Feel free to call! (908) 251-9590 (google)

Check out my thread here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/413043-My-ENTIRE-story#413043

Re: My ENTIRE story 29 May 2024 18:18 #414345

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youknowwho wrote on 29 May 2024 13:30:

chancy wrote on 28 May 2024 20:10:

A Giten Tug Rabbi Muttel,

..... Or I tell my mind "whats the point of this? I know already that I will NEVER masturbate so why would i look and make it so much harder for m e to fight? Thats just stupid".

Thank you Chancy for the usual amazing pearls of wisdom! I highlighted one in particular which really spoke to me, something I’m personally discovering more and more as I move along on this journey.

I thought I’d only come to GYE for help with stopping the destructive behaviors of porn and masturbation. The other stuff, the shmiras ainayim etc, was not on my radar.

Yet slowly, organically, this is changing. Slowly coming to the realization that if I am not careful with my eyes, I will constantly be in a state of unhappiness and craving…

In the olden days, when I knew I‘d eventually masturbate to any image/video I chose, it at least made sense in a sick, warped kind of way, to look at stuff I shouldn’t be looking at.

Because this brought me relief, escape and dopamine/pleasure for a bit, and finally culminated in the ultimate release and dimyon of pleasure. So, the indulging on any kind of shmutz had purpose. And a horrid, sad, depressing, fleetingly pleasurable ending.

However, if one is no longer masturbating, why on earth would I choose to torture myself endlessly? Its silly and just not worth it.

Amazingly well said, Chancy and YKW. This really resonates with me.

I actually wrote in a very similar vein here, here and here.

This is the ONLY strategy that works for me, I think.

Feel free to email me at benny.horrowitz@gmail.com

Please read my personal story

Re: My ENTIRE story 29 May 2024 18:53 #414348

cande
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. Or I tell my mind "whats the point of this? I know already that I will NEVER masturbate so why would i look and make it so much harder for m e to fight? Thats just stupid".

However, if one is no longer masturbating, why on earth would I choose to torture myself endlessly? Its silly and just not worth it.

i live on this type of talk!
i say to myself, dont look because your selfish, do it for YOURSELF, you will be inflicting pain, emotionally and physically
on your self,
your wife,
your kids,
your grandkids,

guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/405526-Re-MY-STORY-sexual-abuse-bouchrim-fun--marriageporn#405526

Last Edit: 29 May 2024 18:55 by cande.

Re: My ENTIRE story 29 May 2024 19:11 #414351

Bennyh
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cande wrote on 29 May 2024 18:53:

You had me until "your wife and kids and grandkids" -- no, just myself. This is pure hedonistic selfishness, not to feel like a piece of excrement. Let's not get distracted.

Feel free to email me at benny.horrowitz@gmail.com

Please read my personal story

Re: My ENTIRE story 31 May 2024 14:23 #414436

Muttel
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As I sit here Erev Shabbos, looking, reading, and most importantly, reflecting on my last 3+ magical weeks, I was struck by a thought:

We say in the tefilla following ספירת העומר that begins with רבונו של עולם:
אתה צויתנו וגו' כדי לטהרנו וגו' ומטומאתנו, וגו' אטהר ואתקדש בקדושה של מעלה ועי"ז יושפע שפע רב בכל העולמות וגו.

A lot can be said here, but I'll suffice with a pithy thought/feeling. Davening for the above while simultaneously engaging in viewing filth is a revolting idea, and one that leads to self-revulsion. The ability for me to say this while feeling pure is other-worldly....

Here's wishing all of my GYE brothers the ability to wipe that self-revulsion clean, replacing it with self-motivation leading to self-perfection.

Good Shabbos!
Muttel

Re: My ENTIRE story 04 Jun 2024 19:28 #414655

Muttel
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Just wanted to share an interesting and formerly painful thought.

My wife went walking with a neighbor one morning. This woman happens to be particularly attractive. As they were walking I instinctively was about to turn to look at them - Read: HER - and caught myself before I looked - in line with my HHM program. What I found fascinating was that in the split second before I was about to look my brain rationalized that I was looking to see how much taller my wife is than that woman (my wife is taller). I then screamed at my YH (I was in my car) "you think you're telling me to look to measure??????????? It's about looking at her body, period!

I was flabbergasted at his plan and how he almost got me there!!

Figured I'd share the challenge and tactic of the damned beast, I never thought of this particular tactic of his....

Hatzlacha to all!
Muttel

P.S. This is formerly painful, because I now have the tools to overcome his tactics - Thanks to GYE!

Re: My ENTIRE story 07 Jun 2024 11:29 #414848

amevakesh Current streak: 389 days OFFLINE Gold Boarder Posts: 166 Karma: 17	Mazel Tov Muttel on hitting 30!!! The first of many many months (and years) to come. What a way to go in to שבועות. May you continue to inspire us all.

Re: My ENTIRE story 07 Jun 2024 14:40 #414858

Muttel Current streak: 100 days OFFLINE Gold Boarder Posts: 251 Karma: 18	amevakesh wrote on 07 Jun 2024 11:29: Mazel Tov Muttel on hitting 30!!! The first of many many months (and years) to come. What a way to go in to שבועות. May you continue to inspire us all. Thank you, and Amen! Speaking to you was so inspiring and I'm grateful to be a part of such a choshuve chevra! Muttel
	We're in this struggle together; feel free to reach out! Muttel15@gmail.com Feel free to call! (908) 251-9590 (google) Check out my thread here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/413043-My-ENTIRE-story#413043

Re: My ENTIRE story 07 Jun 2024 17:17 #414865

chaimoigen
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30 Days is a Chodesh.
חודש = התחדשות!

עטרת תפארת לעמוסי בטן שהם עתידים להתחדש כמותו ולפאר ליוצרן וגו׳

Watching your sunrise, Muttel, gladdens the heart.

Keep going! With caution, with hope, with optimism and determination, with prayer and with heartz and with Simcha and with a helping of grit for the inevitable tough times.

You keep monstuh trucking up the mountain….
וההר בוער באש עד לב השמים….

באה״ר

מאן דבעי חיים

Please feel free to reach out anytime at chaim.oigen@gmail.com

Last Edit: 07 Jun 2024 17:18 by chaimoigen.

Re: My ENTIRE story 07 Jun 2024 17:31 #414870

Muttel
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Thank you Reb Chaim!

I appreciate the well wishes and sentiments for my long journey ahead...

30 days is my first month of true success and definitely have the feeling that to even be here פעם אחת בחודש דיים! All the support, love, and deep friendship struck in such a short time period, is beyond heartwarming....

Here's looking forward to getting under the proverbial white Tallis (CO's reference) and hearing the clarion call of "אנכי ה' אלוקיך" next week. It'll be a different experience with the טהרה engendered by the work of the last 30 days....

Muttel

Re: My ENTIRE story 11 Jun 2024 22:43 #415050

Muttel
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Here’s wishing all of my GYE brothers a most sweet and uplifting Yom Tov! For me personally, this will be extra sweet, going in clean and at a point where I’m working on myself and thriving off the support so many of you have given me.

However, my joy will be tempered by the many here going through the daily struggle that was mine not that long ago. How I wish I can make it all go away! How I wish you all can see the power of viewing these painful tugs and squeezes as opportunity of growth! How I wish you could share in the serenity of cleaning up our insides and getting on that monstah truck!

So my message to my beloved friends is: I love you and hope and pray for your aliya and inner calmness to come bimheira!

gut yontiff!
Muttel

Re: My ENTIRE story 18 Jun 2024 01:03 #415284

Muttel
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Who can I share this with if not my chaveirim here?
I got a call that a relative of mine who happens also to be a talmid, is out of yeshiva and looking to join the IDF.
I spoke to him this morning for a while and sensed his deep pain (though unwilling to open up much). He feels he should go OTD and start building himself up from scratch…..

He is 23, not the right time to have a 16 year old tekufa!

He sounded serious and continued to say he is considering dropping shabbos and getting a girlfriend….

I was reminded of 1 GYE member flying cross country to visit another - and promptly booked a ticket to EY…..

Im going to give him a hug and cry with him… to share in his pain and to provide that warm hug…..

Thank you to GYE for helping me be the person I wanted to be and giving me the wherewithal to provide support to others……….
Muttel

Last Edit: 18 Jun 2024 01:10 by Muttel.

Re: My ENTIRE story 18 Jun 2024 01:08 #415285

Muttel
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One more post!

Today marks 40 days for me. Yetziras havlad….. I am reborn with these last pure 40 days…..

Thank you to Hashem for leading me to HHM, chaimoigen, eerie, vehkam, cande, iwannalivereal, proudyungerman, yiftach, redfaced, and the other malachim here….

Youve all had a share in bringing another Yid to where he needs to be and truly giving life to another……

thank you!

p.s. I’m going to the airport now where I’ve had many triggers over the years. Please throw up a tefilla for Muttel that I should be able to control my eyes and thoughts…..
Muttel

Last Edit: 18 Jun 2024 01:16 by Muttel.

Re: My ENTIRE story 18 Jun 2024 01:42 #415290

Muttel Current streak: 100 days OFFLINE Gold Boarder Posts: 251 Karma: 18	Keeping my eyes to myself bh! I think a first ever!!!! thank you Hashem! feeling the need to update as I make my way through the airport….. Muttel
	We're in this struggle together; feel free to reach out! Muttel15@gmail.com Feel free to call! (908) 251-9590 (google) Check out my thread here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/413043-My-ENTIRE-story#413043 Last Edit: 18 Jun 2024 01:48 by Muttel.