Day 393
I'd like to post here something that others may get chizzuk from. I've B"H been clean for a while and have BS"D been zoche to speak to and help many of our chaverim here. I've had some changes in my personal life the last couple of months that have precipitated some internal struggle/squeeze/anxiety causing me to have uninvited thoughts that I don't always manage to ignore right away. B'H overall I'm steady. I have the best friends to reach out to every time I feel an urge (and resist the famous last words "I got this"). I have mentors I can speak my anxieties through with, and hash out my normal, healthy male urges with to try to get them to dissipate. When they don't dissipate, I can accept having them, and accept being triggered for days at a time, so long as I don't them and succumb. BH for GYE and BH for the magical friends therein.

Friends, where would I be without you?? 

Not every moment do I feel inspired to march on - but march on we do regardless.

May we all be zoche to see the tremendous light in tasting the sweet taste of victory - and all be zoche to increase Kedusha in the world through (self-imposed) struggle.


With much brotherly love,
Muttel

When the going gets tough....

Hold on tight.

Times like these where we need a double- and triple- thank you button... Mods?

authenticeved wrote on 05 Jun 2025 05:25:

Someone called ?

Another proof?
chosemyshem wrote on 28 Mar 2025 18:12:

Day 399

I have quite an interesting post for today. I posted previously that I've had a difficult period of time trigger-wise recently. 

Well, Sunday and yesterday I engaged in filter poking for the first time in 399 days... BH I didn't see anything and reached out to friends before it got further. 

However, I learned quite a few things.

1) I forgot what it's like to struggle. It was a real reality check to what our struggling brothers go through on a regular basis. I thought I remembered what it's like, but I clearly did not. This is super critical given I speak to many....
2) I don't want sympathy. I guess everyone is different, but I just want reassurance I can bounce back and right the ship (BH I've gotten that from friends). Today, though I still have some poison in my system, has been a very productive day. I'd like to believe I'm back on track - time will tell.
3) Even someone squeaky clean for so long can stumble. I always knew this, but I've really absorbed it.
4) Friends are the lifeline to breaking free. Also, no chiddush there. However, I was surprised how hard it was to reach out - especially because I've been clean for a while. I can definitely sympathize more with guys who fall before reaching out....

All in all, it was a real learning experience....

Onwards, friends!!

With the utmost love for you all, and some newfound respect,
Muttel

Muttel you are a inspiration to all of us. Nothing like a good, healthy reality check from the YH, to restore our feelings of humility and gratitude for the gift of living life the way it ought to be. Blazing in to 400 on fire he goes!!! KOMT!!!

I am not offering sympathy.
Thanks for sharing

I know I'm not the only one that struggles with news/sports/ attachment. My trigger difficulties and subsequent filter-poking was a direct result of looking at non-Jewish news sites (not to endorse Jewish ones, but...). 

I just want to express my thanks to a dear friend here for looping me into a partner agreement, holding me in check and helping me stay clean from non-Jewish news sites.

Thanks iwantlife!!!

Muttel

hi muttel I'm new to the forum but you know me you we got in contact around Purim time. I just wanna say that I've now gone through ninety percent of your thread and I'm really inspired by your fire and positive spirit and to be honest I'm not quick to be inspired.  When I joined the forum I was doing it because logically I knew it was a good thing to do but the fighting spirit was gone from me , dead and burnt after too many falls coming even after big efforts. yet ill say that slowly since joining the forum and especially after reading your thread I feel like I am beginning  to see signs of life, as if the old me from my better days is possibly not gone forever although I will say its still quite far away. I don't know exactly why but something about your journey makes me think lama neegara, there's no reason I cant turn myself back on also thanx so much your an inspiration and here's hoping this isn't just a temporary high from emotion (one of my biggest fears)

Thank you!

JWBF, your Neshama shines through and the yakrus you possess is inestimable. The kochos you've demonstrated with the gadlus of a Yid are breathtaking. You don't give up; you always rear back looking to shteig and grow.

The RBS"O should give you the strength and willpower to overcome this damned beast - forever.

With boundless brotherly love,
Muttel