Shalom GYE.

I've been unsure about this (I created this account 5 months ago and only posting now). Having nisyonos as a bochur didn't bother me as much. After marriage I tried to change many times and it would be a repeating pattern of falling a few times, then being ok for a few months. From one Yom Kippur to the next I'd start off aiming for a clean year and score my success based on falling x times - hopefully less than the prior year. My children are BH growing older and that was part of my motivation to clean up shop and finally push that final bit to stay completely clean. With help from Hashem I made a lot of monumental changes to my life. That was about 17 months ago and I've stayed true to my commitments. While my struggle was (is?) something that I went through alone, there are folks here that are also struggling and brave enough to try and get help / support. The yetzer hara doesn't retire, and I need to remain strong to maintain what I've accomplished. I also want to help others if I can, to share thoughts and encouragement. My hope is to give, and through giving also receive chizzuk. My Hashem help us all to continue to grow and to recognize and appreciate the koach of every fighting moment, no matter how small.

All the best!

Welcome!

Beautiful!

Can you share what has worked for you?

What keeps you motivated?

Absolutely.

After many repetitions, I knew well the after feeling of self-disappointment. Not in a putting myself down way, more of an I know I am and can do better than this. Before or even during a fall, it's never too late to quit. In fact, I would feel best about the times I was already partially engaged and managed to reign myself back. I took a lot of pride in myself for making the difficult right choice. I felt like a winner. 

The nisayon never ends. "Just one more" isn't reality, there is always more. Every single time counts and unless I want to be doing this forever, then I decided it needed to end now.  For myself, for my wife, for my children, for Hashem, and for everyone.

I thought it through well and planned it out. All the potential access and triggers I eliminated at once and resolved to stay away from anything close. I planned the things I would replace my time with so I'd not be idle. 

I really internalized im lo achshav eimasai - if not now then when? Failure became a non option and it's risky but works for me, I was so serious about being done that I feel I can never give in again. 

In the smaller things, seeing women dressed as they do in public, I accept that it's not possible to be perfect and challenged myself to stay vigilant and celebrate victories there. 

I also have a very strong fear of letting myself down. That and my family are my main motivations.

I'm happy to elaborate further if desired.

Hatzlacha!

I continuously have pride in my past and present accomplishments, regardless of any times tripping up. 

gye365s wrote on 10 May 2024 00:23:

yes please......

cande wrote on 14 May 2024 01:53:

Any part in particular, at least to start off?

welcome and thanks for offering to help to understand what worked for you and see how we the ppl frill struggling and fighting could learn what was your struggle ??

New here but figured I'd post.
I also found that removing triggers (unfiltered devices - even those that you "never" have access to) is key to knocking off the YH. Avoiding Nisayon is the surest path to victory. Sometimes I think to myself - "I'll never be able to be in a room with an unfiltered device and control myself???". Right now I don't know the answer, but I dont think it matters either.....

Would love to hear else works for you.

With best wishes for Hatzlacha,
"Muttel"

I wasnt able to be in a room alone with a computer for years and years. 
But after a few years of staying clean for %90 of the time and no access to anything bad plus web chaver, my mind sort of got used to the idea of not running to porn the second i have access. 
its still not safe for me to be too long around an unfilterd computer, but its not the same as before , not by a long shot

Despair, hopelessness, and all the many negative feelings are the weapons of the yetzer hara. They can also be transformed into tremendous chizuk. The litmus test is if the feeling leaves you stuck. This is the YH. We are never NEVER beyond help. Hashem desires us to try even 1 time out of 1000. Imagine one singular occurrence of staying strong after a long history of falling. Hashem is in shomayim and standing around Him are Adam, Avraham, Yitzchok, Yaakov, the Shivtei Ka, Moshe, Aaron, Dovid, Eliyahu, Rabbi Akiva, Rav Chaim Kanievsky, all great men, your ancestors, and your future generations. Hashem is pointing at YOU with a proud finger and saying to them all "Look! Look at what this man is doing for my sake right now. See this tremendous nisayon that I have sent him (yes, it is from Hashem and for our own growth) and see how he has chosen Me over his own strong desires." Yes. No matter how many times we have fallen, this challenge is our contest. You don’t become a great warrior without fighting many battles. Battered and bruised, that one victory is reason for massive celebration. Tomorrow’s results don’t negate today’s accomplishments. Don’t worry about tomorrow, be a champion today. It’s not your job to win the war, that isn’t in the cards, the YH chases us until the end. All we are expected to do is remain standing. If we fall, we strengthen our resolve and get back up. No matter how many times. You can’t beat the YH, but with Hashem’s help you can withstand him. That is our job. It is a job that Hashem entrusted to us, because He knows that we are the ones who have the power to expel this darkness from the world. That other guy who doesn’t have this nisayon, it is for a reason, he cannot do what you can do. No one has the strength to beat this but you, and so Hashem has sent you specifically this nisayon. You are his champion warrior to succeed where all others would fail. You are His hope. So how can you deny hope for yourself, when the Borei Olam Himself decided that YOU AND ONLY YOU CAN DO THIS!

The warrior prepares for battle. He dons armor, sharpens his weapons, secures his shield, lowers his visor, and stands at the ready. So to we must protect ourselves with every functional possibility that we have. Get rid of or filter devices. Limit your time and use of all potentially negative sources. Filter also what your eyes see, what your ears hear, and what your mind dwells on. Build your arsenal for offense and defense. Your ultimate weapon is Hashem – for He has promised that we will not lose out by following His ways. Whatever “reason” you have about needing a phone, tablet, laptop, tv, ect, and it may seem logical that my business will suffer if I can’t have this access. Luckily for you, Hashem is not bound by our perceived metzius. Your business will be what it is meant to be and have emunah that Hashem sees you have pure intentions and no matter what happens, that is the best possible outcome for you. Think about what you are doing, what you want, and take a leap of faith. Hashem will catch you and hold you closer than any other.

The antidote to the yetzer hara is Torah. If you are constantly busy with learning, you don’t have time to stumble. The same strategy works with other mitzvos and positive outlets. Keep yourself busy. Find a limud that you can engross yourself in. Find a middah that you want to refine. Support your family. Spend time with your wife and kids. Help clean the house, do laundry, prepare food, drive carpool, go for a walk, participate in a healthy form of exercise. Get proper rest. Have something pre-prepared to fill the voids. A sefer, a book, a project, anything that is easily accessible and that you find engaging. Torah and mitzvos are great. If that is hard but you like, say history, go with that. Anything that isn’t negative that you can turn to when needed. We are efficient and fill empty spaces. Don’t leave space for the YH to insert his agendas. Block him out, avoid him, and when you catch a glimpse of him out of the corner of your eye, have a counter at the ready.

Hashem made this world and he wants us to live in it. Life involves leaving your home. The nisyonos outdoors today are not a surprise. Billboards and advertisements, women dressed nicely or immodestly, and we have to also deal with the resulting thoughts that follow these things that stab at our soul. A 5 minute detour to avoid a triggering billboard on you daily commute is certainly a worthwhile trade for olam haba. Don’t go to a crowded beach or park, on a hot sunny day no less. Keep your eyes lowered and unfocused in public areas (obviously when driving or crossing a street you must act safely). If your shul has groups of women who come, especially common on Yom Tov, find a alternative and quick exit, or stay 10 minutes and learn until the crowds disperse. To each their own. We are meant to function in our daily life, and that comes with circumstances that are outside our control. Pick some things that you can do and commit to them. Your effort proves your motivation and you will build a strength you didn’t know you had that will grow to encompass your success in all the other areas that you though it would not be possible to change. Even if the boulder never seems to budge, keep pushing on it. You do not know which day will be the day that your efforts pay off, Hashem’s hand appears next to yours, and the seemingly immovable obstacle goes rolling down the hill.

You are here, you are alive, and you will succeed. The world doesn’t exist for any other reason.

A concept formed when I was responding to a PM regarding what worked for me.

Part of my success, I believe, was turning shame into pride. Not dwelling on what I did or how many times, rather focusing on what I can do and who I can be.

Instead of trying to leave it behind by running away, I ran forward. If I’m running away, then it is chasing me. I can’t properly move on while constantly glancing over my shoulder. That impedes my forward progress. When I run forward, what is behind be becomes less consequential. I’m not looking that way. My direction is towards my real self and Hashem. I can actualize and achieve my potentials as my focus is on where I’m headed.

For a practical example: When driving down suburban roads, if there are people on the sidewalk (in particular, women) I remind myself that whoever they are (and whatever other details about them) are really not significant to me. When I get closer, I’ll even close one eye on that side to assist with not paying them much if any attention (obviously need to drive safely). Maybe this seems like overkill, but I value doing it. I think it is praiseworthy. I think I’m elevating myself by doing it. And perhaps most importantly, I think it gives me something that I’m challenging myself to do as a refinement – which places me outside the more raw challenges of the past. I can’t do everything, no one can, but that is certainly no excuse to do nothing. Each choice we make to get closer to Hashem matters a great deal. Perhaps I skip minyanim, waste time with idle tasks, speak lashon hara, get angry, say brachos without kavana, and all manner of other things that I can and should improve on. None of that excuses or excludes me from working on shemiras einayim. In this I can and will work to be at the very top.

This worked for me. I am me. I am not you. You are you. You are not me. You are greater than me. I am greater than you. It depends who’s asking. Don’t be me, you are and need to be you. Only then could you be better than me. I would not say I was an addict. It was more impulse and desire. Still the yetzer hara. Still a challenge. Still my challenge. I filtered my phone. I stopped watching everything. I stopped listening to everything. I stopped reading everything. I removed myself from regular tasks and groups that did not benefit what I wanted for myself. I now listen to 1000s of shiurim. I learn more sefarim (in English, because that is what I can do). I am more available for my wife and children. I have more chavrusas. I daven better. I have real, positive, and meaningful goals. I happen to have an unfiltered computer for work and a tablet at home currently and despite being home alone for many hours each week, Hashem has not given the yetzer hara any power to even come close to tempting me with that. He has blessed me and placed it far from me. My fight has moved on to the next stage, as it will continue to do ad olam acharon. On this mountain my concern is not with the ground below, only with reaching for the next firm handhold above, and never letting go.

Guiding with Wisdom (Hebrew sefer: Eitzos VeHadrachos vol 1)

Rabbi Yaakov Mordechai Greenwald

Rabbi Greenwald was a gadol b’Torah and respected therapist. He had personal relationships with many gedolei Yisrael, in particular the Steipler Gaon.

In particular I’d like to focus in on Part Two, Chapters 1-5 (pages 67-104). The whole sefer is great (so far – I haven’t finished reading it), but I’ll stick to this section to limit the scope. Of course reading it inside in its fullest will provide a much more thorough understanding and absorption of the topics covered.

The title of Part 2 is Dealing with Common Challenges. It applies to all struggles, and absolutely to the ones we deal with here. The introduction begins by attributing the principles for healthy living to the hadracha that Rav Yaakov received from the Steipler. He says there are two primary benefits.

1 – Learning to refrain from taking steps, adopting habits, or harboring thoughts that interfere with actualizing his full potential.

2 – As a direct consequence of the above, if his soul feels numb, it will gradually be revived in him.

There are two things relevant to know for any challenge.

1 – Every person is naturally imbued with an abundance of spiritual resources. Barriers impede spiritual development but removing even a single barrier will start a ripple effect that unlocks all his faculties.

2 – Our physical body has limits, but our spiritual energy is limitless. A person who feels spent has likely been overexercising his physical capacity and needs to reconnect spiritually to draw from that endless flow of life.

Ch1. Are challenges just a thing that happens, or is there a reason, and if so, what is the reason?

Discussed earlier in the sefer, our goal is to achieve shleimus (completeness) through actualization of our unique potential. Shleimus is closeness to Hashem. Every talent, trait, and faculty we possess can be used in some way to connect us with Hashem. It follows that a failure to actualize potential thus leads to pain of both stifled potential and also disconnection. This can result in feeling shallow and purposeless. Hashem may send a challenge as a wake-up-call. Out of love, He wants the person to realize that he has something to accomplish. Hashem constantly evaluates the exact providence we need. Have emunah.

Ch2. Who are we to be worthy of Hashem tailoring every test and trial just for us?

We lack proper appreciation for who we really are. We are beloved to Hashem. Each person is utterly unique. Bishvili nivra olam – for me the entire world was created. No other person shares your experience or understanding of your world. When Hashem challenges a person, it is out of love, it is his unique task to fulfill, and he is the source of the world around him.

Ch3. How do we know if we are growing?

It is hard to keep striving if a person feels that success is beyond him. In spiritual matters, success is very difficult to measure. One reason we lose hope is wounded pride. Every achievement is a success. Don’t compare yourself to others. The only benefit in taking not of another’s progress is for inspiration. Don’t look for inspiration from the gifted, look instead at the ones who thirst for growth. When a young boy learns alef beis, his progress is easily measured and one can see a huge difference in a relatively short period of time. As we grow, and the longer we are growing, the less obvious our progress is. We may feel stagnant, but this is an illusion. Everything single thing we do counts.

Yoma 38b: If a person comes to purify himself, [Heaven] helps him.

Yoma 39a: If a person sanctifies himself . . . down here bewlow, [Heaven] sanctifies him from above.

When we strive for perfection on earth, our higher neshama is elevated. The person is not aware of it because it doesn’t enter his body. However, that elevated neshama can radiate its new light back down on the person and sanctify him. So his efforts are still helping to lift him up, even if not detected.

It is totally counterproductive to dwell on the pace of one’s progress. Just keep on trucking! The real success is the toil itself. Trust Hashem. Every day we are created anew. Whatever we were or are, Hashem can any day recreate us without our prior faults that weighed us down.