Welcome! it's amazing to see a courageous guy looking to put in the work to better himself!
Chazak Vamatz!

jewizard21 wrote on 22 Apr 2024 17:05:

 There is a sense of wanting to be open that leads to us wanting to just share everything, especially with a spouse. For many people, (Myself included) joining GYE was the first time we truly felt honest and were comfortable being vulnerable. But telling a potential spouse requires careful consideration. For some, it's the most necessary step and is crucial to entering any relationship, while for others it can C"V be a devastating mistake to disclose everything or even anything.
Women have a very different way of relating to the entire Parsha than men, and so the consideration doesn't just depend on how much of a good guy you want to be by not hiding anything from her. Rather, certain things she will not know how to relate to and process, and could be harmful for her entirely.
No two people are alike and the answer as to If, When, How, and How much will depend on the person. Your Rabbeim and mentors are crucial in this area.

I  don't know how much I will share but she will definitely know. I will 100% make sure to discuss it with my Rebbi. I still need to make a stronger kesher with him but he will help me no doubt about it. 
I understand that it's something different in every situation.

Thank you so much!!

jewizard21 wrote on 22 Apr 2024 17:36:

proceed with caution, this is not simple @ all.
you are amazing!

why would you tell?
why would she be interested in knowing how many times you masturbated a day?
are you also going tell her how many times you go to bathroom?

For right now all I can tell you that it feels like the right thing to do. Doing what I feel like is the right thing to do is how I've gotten to this point in my recovery. 
I will definitely think more into this question because it is definitely a serious thing that cant be answered by saying just because.

So in short, bc I feel it is the right thing to do. But I will get back to you

can i ask you a Q?
why would she marry if you tell your a P&M addic?
A women can not fully understand the scope of a male desire.
you want a girl thats also a porn addic?
you dont deserve that, dont punish yourself, 
your a regular normal great guy with, a normal struggle that you wlii and can overcome.
just thinkin' out loud.

I'm still typing the response to the other question.
I dont think it would be healthy for me or her if we were both addicts

From what I have heard and believe from a lot of the dating shiurim that I've been to is that the basis of a healthy marriage is trust.
      Opening up to another person about your dark secrets shows the level of trust you have in that person.
      This is nesicary going both ways. You need to fully trust the person you will marry and they need to fully trust you.
      
      Here is also a selfish point. Before opening up to anyone and before recovery we are ppl that live 2 lives. The person we show the world and the hidden person we don't want anyone to know about.
The person we show the world is deeply affected by the person that is hidden away.
      After opening up to someone and starting recovery we start to become only that first person. The only person that knows who you really are knows how that hidden part of you made you who you are as a whole.
     How could you live with someone for the rest of your life without them knowing you as a whole? 
I feel that it may even lead to resentment that they don't know what you've accomplished in life for them to not be an addict.

I will think about this a lot more but this is what I hAve on short notice

I think you should ask your Rabbi or a professional  if its right and clever to share with your future wife your struggles.
Working on recovery before getting married is the best gift you can give for your future wife and family

I agree 100% and definitely will discuss it beforehand 

lets play this out:
so דינה im ready to propose, just one thing i wanted to let you know since you/i love me so much,
im a porn attic and masturbate some times even twice a day, but no worries im gonna stick you in also, of course,
will you marry me?

jewizard21 wrote on 22 Apr 2024 21:22:

Let's start with this: If you feel that you are constantly hiding your true self from your spouse, that will have a terrible effect on relationships, because there's no trust. However, if you open up about things that she can't understand or even process, it can hurt her and she may never trust you or any other man.
This audio, recorded by Rabbi Shafier specially for GYE, is designed for spouses of addicts. It was eye opening for me to hear how different the female perspective on sexuality is, and it highlighted how careful we must be and how much advice and guidance is needed in this area of disclosure: guardyoureyes.com/GYEFiles/MP3s/Shafier/How%20Can%20I%20Get%20Past%20This.mp3
The idea in general is that For someone who is clean and has moved on, the past struggles don't define you. Sharing this  in cases where it isn't warranted doesn't build trust, because it's like trying to build a relationship by regaling her with the story of your struggle to stop picking your nose in public at age 8.
A relationship is built through vulnerability in a safe way.

1st I would like to be clear that I am BH way past the point of everyday M and don't plan on starting to date till I am atleat 150 days clean. (I made up a number but it will hopefully be that or larger.) And when I do tell hopefully, I will be clean!!
2nd that is definitely not a way to break the news to anyone at all and especially a person you are dating. It is insensitive to how serious the topic is.
3rd Waiting till you are about to propose is a terrible thing to do. It could cause serious emotional trauma to her. That is why it is done not at the beginning but 100% not right before a proposal.

what happens C'V if I fall while married and she catches me? It would be indescribable to her.  Hopefully this wont happen but if it does C'V then atleast there won't be total shock. (Again I have no experience in this matter but I am saying what I feel is the right thing and feel free to correct me)

5th I believe that it is wrong to lead someone to believe you are a different person than you are. I am an addict even after I become clean and that is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. To make someone that I will share a life with believe otherwise is, I believe, a lack of integrity.

May I ask you what you think a marriage is?

5th I believe that it is wrong to lead someone to believe you are a different person than you are. I am an addict even after I become clean and that is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. To make someone that I will share a life with believe otherwise is, I believe, a lack of integrity.

You posted this as I wrote a reply, so I didn't see it until after. Here's some possibly good news:

The first thing to know about addiction is that most guys on GYE aren't clinical addicts. Unless you have been positively diagnosed by a professional or an expert in this area, it's not something to jump to. And it might not depend on how long you've given in, or what specific acts you've done.