A Freilechen Adar to all!! After lurking on GYE for awhile, noshing on some of what it has to offer, I finally feel it's the right time to get involved in posting. For starters, I decided to post primarily because I feel that if one guy in my situation chances upon this thread and realizes there is hope and is not the only one in this situation and gets inspired to change it is already worth it. Additionally, I now have come to understand the importance of having a "chevra". Having people to talk/chat with, those that have gone through similar struggles, and hearing their story and how they are powering(/powered) forward, isn't just a "maalah" for me in dealing with my own struggle, rather I feel it is a necessity (at least for me) to surmount this seemingly impossible challenge. That being said, there is no better way in reaching out to the chevra than here. I welcome all to reach out to me, not that I can offer assistance rather I would appreciate getting to know some (who were) in my situation so we can trek through this journey together.
So here goes.... I am a married yungerman in my 20s living the dream in Eretz Yisroel learning three sedorim a day, My journey started out at about age 11 or 12 when I noticed the attraction that I had towards females. Whether it would be neighbors, relatives, or even random people I encountered there was just some draw. Obviously, I didn't know what to make of it besides for just acknowledging the aforementioned as a fact of life that had a good feeling to it. As my body matured, so did this desire of pleasure develop. Next stage was taking in those unsolicited advertisement circulars (a real shame those signs stating that it's unlawful weren't around yet lol) searching for all the "sales" in the stores I never knew existed, hoping to catch a sight of a partially or mostly naked woman. During my high school years it was more of the same, balancing being the top of my class and making sure I can appease the other side of myself every so often. I felt (notice the past tense here) that I had this urge stronger than anyone in my class and in fact probably anyone I knew (didn't we all?) and my method of coping was just shelving it to one side of my brain knowing it was assur and I'll pay for it one day but just thinking I cant help myself. I fully delved myself (or so I thought) into learning as a distraction to this uncomfortable feeling; living with this ever present subconscious (at times not so sub) weight of guilt, shame, and other feelings including living a fake reality. Just to clarify, I wasn't masturbating daily and most times not even weekly but I definitely had a hard time with my wandering eyes in the streets, especially during the hotter months. Although it wasn't noticeable on the outside I definitely was living a guarded life, not just living calmly and relaxed. It was more of the same for me when I went to Beis Medrash (yes it was that one) just keeping it all inside me as I continued just being one of the guys. Bein hazmanim I managed to use devices from my parents to get my fix, of course just kosher YouTube clips, like talent shows and game shows, as if I was into those cute dogs or cool card tricks and not the contestants or judges.... Moving on to E"Y (of course coming from which B"M I went to it's not even a question where I went) it was a new place but same results. I just resigned myself to the fact that I'll probably live with this struggle forever and just can't get bogged down from it. I conveniently trained myself to put all these feelings on autoignore. I actually never watched porn until I was in E"Y when I unfortunately had access for a limited time. Being opened up to that new dimension definitely magnified my feelings as I never felt more guilty and twofaced after allowing myself to indulge in that. As I've written numerous times already (even in this one post) my automatic coping method was just forcing myself to shove my feelings into a compartment in my brain and just carry on regular life. "Of course marriage will heal this issue", I thought, as after all I wont need to search anywhere else to get satisfaction. B"h I got married to this wonderful girl "ala maalos" and kudos to her she is hands down the only reason why I am where I am today (which is on the way to recovery) but I am getting a bit ahead of myself. Shana Reshona was bliss! Definitely took R' Pitter's (yes I was "not yeshivish" enough to go to him) mehalech to the max ("vehameivan yavin"). I thought that maybe just maybe I was all clear. Alas, it was not meant to be. Shortly after our second anniversary (and first child) my wife got sick. B"H it's in the rear view mirror now but it definitely was a huge stress running from Dr. to Dr. and from this hospital to the other. It was then that my struggle came back to haunt me. We had an iPhone just for my wife's job and it was basically sitting useless so I started playing around with it a bit. It had google restrictions on it so was basically blocked. I still managed to find some apps that had access to videos or clips of women but nothing too bad. Eventually, I found some loophole (b"h it took me that long to find) that gave me unlimited access. I started with the basics I guess but eventually my draw was to chat with other girls on an online site. Maybe more on that a different time and what my therapist says about that. It definitely took a big toll on my marriage as my wife had sensed something was off but just couldn't put her finger on it. Thankfully after a while of spending nights staying up "learning" after my wife went to sleep, and "napping" during bein hasdarim, spending hours upon hours chatting (mostly with one girl) I was caught!!! Looking back (it's around 8-9 months now) it was the best thing that could've happen. First step was we spoke to our rav together (side note: it is extremely important to have someone in your life that can guide you, not necessarily a rav). Honestly, I wasn't fully open with him so he just prescribed the basic dose of filtering all devices and learning some seforim on the "inyan". I was basically whiteknuckling my way through life and eventually figured out a way to continue contacting her albeit on a drastically reduced scale. Finally, I was caught again and was given the ultimatum either I find a way to get helped or......... So I began to see a therapist weekly and life was sort of getting back in order. One day maybe I'll get into the "yesod" that he thinks is the basis of my struggle. Either way, I was going religiously for awhile and my wife also bought in to my work and our relationship was definitely on the mend. Life back to normal? Not so fast! After a few months the bubble sort of popped and my wife was not managing. She didn't know why really but she just wasn't herself. After going to the rebbitzen to speak over her feelings it was decided that she would also begin seeing a therapist. That is when it all unraveled! Her therapist decided that I must be an addict and anything less than going to the 12 steps was just simply a waste of time and money. Additionally, she started to go to SA-NON because that was the "only" thing that can possibly help her. Those meetings definitely exposed her to things that were totally unnecessary for her to ever find out about. My therapist is convinced that his method can be just as effective for me and was unwavering in his approach. As you can probably imagine this caused a tremendous distance between us in our relationship and we went through a really rough time. This was the hardest time in my life. I decided something must be done so when all else fails you turn to GYE! I Want to give a shoutout to IWANNALIVEREAL who texted me literally the first day I signed up and I just let his text gather dust until then. We schmoozed for awhile and he gave me someone on my time zone to speak with. R' Yiftach as some of you might know, a champion in his own right, helped me tremendously even just for the fact that we're in similar positions in life and can relate to each other. The chain continues and I was introduced to a "malach" who's living in our midst HHM. I think he is in everyone's time zone as there's never a time I cant call. It's not only that he's available for me he is also there for my wife as we have both spoken numerous times already and we truly feel as there is someone that is taking care of "our" journey as if we are his only case. More than this is that we just feel his genuine care and compassion towards us and it is truly heartwarming. I definitely have my eyes on a few more people here that i plan on reaching out to in the coming days. I feel as if I have already written too much of a longwinded introduction to my struggle so ill sign off for now but I want to leave off with an important message. The mere fact that I have people to talk to about my struggle and during an urge, is simply mind-blowing as to how far it goes in being able to withstand the temptations. I'm not here to give any ideas or opinions on how to navigate your struggle but one thing I am definitely qualified for is this. I'm pleading with all those struggling out there who feel lost and alone please gather the courage to text or call someone you feel you can relate to here as you have no idea how far you can get to with someone else giving you their hand or even just a loving hug. So long for now.
-Yaakov from Yerushalaim (#onthewaybackhome)
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