I am 60 years old and still struggle mightily.  I will recite the tikkun this anfternoon  and stood under the shower for a long time after. Got my 40 seah in rolling water over my head. Also will wash all the clothes and sheets involved.  I will also try to get to a Mikva.  But it all just repeats itself. Every few months or so.  My greatest fear is that this horrible activity is blocking blessings of shidduchim for my daughters. I have convinced myself that this is the reason they aren’t married yet. Beating myself up over it constantly. My biggest problem is I have a smart phone and hone WiFi    It is just so easy to access pure tunah. I just need some chizzuk chevrai so I know my eternal soul can come out of this in good shape. Not a young man any longer and I think about things like this now. 

The cycle of aveira and then teshuvah over and over again is very frustrating. I know sincere teshuvah is most always accepted but am I sincere?  I just keep repeating my sins over and over again. 

It is what it is. I must leave it to HKBH to decide if my teshuvah will be accepted this specific time again. Oy. 

But my smartphone is allowing me to access this forum and allows me to
learn with my chevrusa when we travel  so it has some merit.  I need to get a filter I guess. But my experience with filters is I just turn them off or find some other device or way to access Tumah. The yetzer hora is very very crafty and clever like that 

Anyway it is good to write this down. I know no one can help me but myself but articulating my anguish seems to help. 

Posting on the forum and reaching out to people on GYE regularly helps a lot. Getting a good filter is a great idea as it will curb most of the trouble, but as you wrote, even with a good filter a person needs a lot of self-control. I suggest that you read The Battle of the Generation regularly and that you take the Flight to Freedom course, including all the exercises. I am in my 40's but the 60's isn't too late. I am humbled by your courage to post and be interested in growing in Yiddishkeit together with us. Doing Teshuva and then falling again immediately afterwards is the result of not yet having learned how to overcome your struggles. I was like that for 3 decades but today I am a free man. There is hope with GYE. You can do it. Continue posting and sharing, read some threads and make friends. It is much easier to fight our struggles when we share our experience with others. Hop on board and keep on trucking. Rooting for you.

Here is the link to the ebook: https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation
You can also purchase it on Amazon.

Jacko wrote on 11 Mar 2024 17:59:

No one can make decisions for you but yourself, but there's so much help out there. There are some really great resources on this site including mentors or partners, books, Flight to Freedom etc. etc.
It always inspires me to see people like you demonstrating that it's never too late to change. Welcome to the forum and hatzlacha!

You aren't going to get anywhere using a filter without effort on your part but you aren't going to get anywhere with effort on your part at this rate without a filter.You need to get the right filter that works for you that would be a good starting point.

Hey Ziedy, you've come to the right place.



It's hard to describe how it feels to worry about how your challenges in life might affect your family, especially your children.

But The Gemara says

אָמַר רַב יְהוּדָה אָמַר רַב: אַרְבָּעִים יוֹם קוֹדֶם יְצִירַת הַוָּלָד בַּת קוֹל יוֹצֵאת וְאוֹמֶרֶת: בַּת פְּלוֹנִי לִפְלוֹנִי

(before a baby is born, a voice announces who their future spouse will be,) with no exceptions mentioned.  

Since we aren't prophets or rabbis I wouldn't say that we can decide why our children are having a difficult time finding a shidduch, but one thing is definite - perfecting ourselves in kedusha is a tremendous merit. Although we might still be unworthy, Hashem might have mercy on us if he sees the hard work we put into becoming clean. As is mentioned in The Battle of the Generation, when we overcome an urge it is a good time to daven that Hashem have mercy on us, which in your case would be that your children speedily find a zivug tov v'hagun.

Jacko wrote on 11 Mar 2024 17:51:

Hi Jacko, welcome to the forum!

It is super painful to find yourself still struggling at age 60, I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are experiencing!!

If I may suggest, please read some of the threads here, how people break free regardless of age or level of destructive behaviors. It is possible.

My humble two cents is that tikkun, 40 seah and mikvah are all very nice, but may not go too far in helping solve your problem. Ditto to the unhealthy, guilt-ridden belief that acting out is destroying shidduchim for your daughters.

Over spiritualizing this struggle can be detrimental to many who travel the dark road of “fall, repent, fall, repeat” cycle for decades.

Still struggling at 60 (you didn’t specify struggling with what, masturbation? Prostitutes? Are you currently married?) is a lonely and dire situation indeed. Spiritualizing hasn’t gotten you too far, perhaps other methods such as facing painful emotions, exploring why you are acting out, dealing with the need to escape etc., can be utilized with better success.

All these strategies are most effective through reaching out to some of the amazing folks here who give of their time and expertise to help fellow strugglers. You will never be alone in this struggle again…try it!

You took a great first step forward by posting...please, don't stop now!

Looking forward to hear more updates and much Hatzlacha!

Jacko wrote on 11 Mar 2024 17:51:

Welcome Jako, wishing you lots of success.
Here we can see that not getting married and not the age will solve the problem.
If we don't take care of ourselves, we will just suffer till the grave.

My Dear Jako, I don't think its true to say that your children aren't getting engaged because of your sins, but I'm 100 percent  sure that if you take on  yourself to act more bikdushe that they will defiantly see a huge yishua.

This was beautiful thank you. It helps!

Struggling with shmiras einayim via the internet and then wasting seed while watching it.  Let me just say that it is not a regular activity, both internet porn nor seed wasting but every few months I just can’t seem to shake the need to do it. I recite tefillos regularly when the urge hits but sometimes I just give in. 

This is very encouraging thank you. May Hashem have mercy on me for my many many sins both of the recent and distant past. I do not want to recount them in detail but thank Gd as I gave gotten older and also found a job where I do not have to work in a goyishe office environment I am doing much much better bH. It was very very hard to be in a goyishe office. I know that women find me handsome and the fact that I was married made no diffference to many of these women. I am so grateful to be out of that Tumah world of booze and marital affairs.