feelinghurt wrote on 14 Feb 2024 19:45:

It hurts to read about your pain, it must run so deep! You even chose it as your username and thread title.  

I want to join the cacophony of warm welcomes. Please stay and share. It is a safe place to kvetch, cry, groan and sometimes laugh, as you peel away the layers of pain, guilt, shame and despair. 

And you will bezh find a path of hope out of this whole mess in ways that are hard to imagine right now.

​If you're comfortable doing so, please share more about yourself, we're all ears! 

Hi, I'm feeling hurt and worthless. I came here hoping to find a way to overcome this struggle. Thanks for listening to me. It hurts me to read about your pain. The feelings of shame and hurt are all too familiar, but they are also from the strongest tools the YH has in his toolbox to keep us on the "hole" that we've dug.



It is essential to recognize that our mistakes do not define us, and that the shame of the YH is toxic.  As we say in  davenport  והסר שטן ...מאחרינו, the YH places a strong focus on keeping us down after the fall. 



Feel free to open up here as you will find many outstretched hands, that want to help you back on your feet.



YOU CAN DO IT!

I'm feeling less hurt than I was (thanks to all of you). I admit I have yiush sometimes, and that only hurts me.

I've been struggling for years. I've had a T. for a long time too, and recently needed to take a break. It's a complicated matzav. I'm a CSA survivor. It happened when I was 8. An older boy befriended me and betrayed me. I was from a broken home and didn't understand anything that happened. I loved the attention this boy gave me - something I never got from my Dad. All I wanted was for this boy to like me and be my friend. Instead he took advantage of my innocence and abused me. One night, my Dad caught us "in the act". He punished me (not the other boy)! My abuser was afraid I would tell his parents or something. He threatened to beat me up if I said anything. Despite this, I still wanted to be his friend - I didn't understand why he or my Dad were so upset. No one explained anything to me. When I kept calling on my "friend" and wouldn't leave him alone, he jumped me suddenly one day and beat me up. I ran home screaming but my Dad didn't do anything about it. "Stay away from him!" he told me.

I never understood I was sexually abused. All I knew was that I was a bad boy for what I did. As far as the abuse itself, it was to be forgotten, permanently, just forget it. I felt such shame as a kid and could never understand why. All I knew was that what I did was very, very bad. 

Time heals, right? Wrong. Not what happened to me. I spent years trying to bury, deny, run away from what happened, but this stuff doesn't go away so easily (at least for me it didn't) - not the deep shame, the guilt, or the hurt feelings. 

As I got older, I began living a double life. On the outside I tried my best to be "normal", but on the inside I was a train wreck. Somehow I was able to marry and start a family, bli ayin hara, but I carry a lot of unresolved stuff inside me. 

Eventually, I couldn't push everything down any longer or I would explode... I was struggling at work - my relationships with guys were a big problem. All I ever wanted was acceptance and validation. I couldn't hold a job for long. I fell into a deep depression. I took antidepressants which probably saved my life, but I kept hiding behind these drugs and couldn't open up in therapy about the abuse. It took maybe 4 years of therapy just until I could begin to talk a bit about what happened. 

Finally opening up in therapy was soooo painful. Rivers of tears. I did a lot of therapy over the pandemic when I could devote time to it. Today, I'm in recovery, and trying to accept myself. It's been a long journey, and it's not over yet.

Thanks for listening to my story. Although it hurts to share it...

Was laying in bed about to go to sleep when I saw this. 

Oy gevalt!!

Dear friend, your story is heartbreaking. Of course it’s painful to share it, how can it not be?! You’ve been through so much heartache and trauma. So much emotional pain and suffering. What a courageous fellow you are to still be standing tall and growing too! 

That’s all for now…but thanks for sharing this painful story. You should be proud of everything you’ve achieved until now and please be full of hope for an even brighter future, bezh. 

It's very painful to hear all the trauma you went through and everything that needs to be processed. Be gentle with yourself and have loads of self-compassion and kindness towards yourself. You are a very good person and the challenges you face aren't your fault for having them. They were put there by Hashem for you to grow and become a great person. Leave behind the feelings of worthlessness. They are stemming from abuse.

You joined GYE and you are starting a new chapter in your life. The day will come when you will have overcome your challenges and you will be inspiring others. Focus on hope, strength and courage. You deserve it. It hurts that you had to deal with this struggle all on your own for years without the proper support system. Absorb everything GYE has to offer and make friends. We are here for you and we care about you. Keep on growing. Share your struggles, accomplishments and successes so we can help you and cheer you along. Thank you for sharing your story. Keep on trucking.

I can hear your pain
I can feel your pain
I too lived with shame guilt and a double life
I struggle for decades
Today I am bh free.
Email me anytime
Best wishes
Vehkam

Oh ! The pain! OY OY OY !!!
I'm So sorry for everything that you've been through.

The fact That you're here means that you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. YOU WANT TO BE BETTER!  That takes Gevura
feelinghurt wrote on 15 Feb 2024 05:09:


You are definitely in the right place. All of us here have had our journeys, and we are all here, to help you on yours. 
Together we will walk this painful path and you ( and us all ) will get to a place of inner peace.

Hatzlocha !!

feelinghurt wrote on 15 Feb 2024 05:09:

You're a pure Tzadik! 
Time does not heal abuse. Now that you've shared your story (and I'm sure there's much more feelings that's never possible to share in writing), you're original posts are much more relatable especially to those who are survivors and understand what abuse does to a person.  

All we can do is listen and validate your deep pain. 

Yes, it hurts. 

Time rarely heals the hurts of abuse, if anything time makes the hurts of abuse more ingrained in your psyche. It changes you and twists until you don’t even know who you are anymore. It’s good that therapy has seemingly worked for you. Wishing you best of luck going forward 

You went/going thru enormousness amount of pain. I cant even Imagine what this was like for you..
poor little innocent boy, starving for a little love and validation.. and therefore went thru this painful experience... My heart bleeds for you..

what can I tell you?!.. You are an amazing guy.. after ALL this you managed to get yourself together and build a family!! and came a long way, in being able to share this here.

​My friend, Pls don't fall in the trap of disappear, you are special and deserve to live a happy painful- free life. pls keep on doing the work necessary to over come this.

I won’t try to find words 
wish I could give you a wordless hug. 
This is a safe and healing place. 
And you can find some relief from loneliness and find people who can understand a bit. 

I am feeling along with some of the pain that you shared…
Here’s a warm hand, 
Chaim

wow ! wow!    
​no words  its really rough ,an sucks out to live with so much pain ! i feel for u brother , an i hope u will get in good shape soon ! 

thanks for sharing !

No words buddy, just a warm genuine healthy masculine bear hug.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 16 Feb 2024 05:35:

Being that I had SSA as a child I stay very far away from a masculine bear hug. I see other people doing it and there is nothing wrong with it but it disgusts me. You must have meant that you warmly and genuinely care about him.

Now I have no words. You guys are amazing! I feel your caring (and love) in a deep way. D'varim motzien min halev, nichnasim b'lev. Yes, it's been a painful struggle for me, and still is. But I have to be so thankful Hashem was always guiding me from Day One, and continues to guide me everyday of my life .

CSA is really hard to deal with. Anyone who is familiar with boys in recovery from CSA will know what I'm talking about. The shame, guilt, and self-blame are the worst. But there's a lot driving those feelings: sexual nightmares, dissociative episodes, gender confusion, inappropriate obsessions and triggers, trauma reenactment, relationship and attachment issues... it's ugly stuff and it makes me feel like a zero. Of course I know logically none of the abuse is my fault - but emotionally, deep inside me, it is my fault because it's always been a part of me for as long as I can remember. That's where I am today - trying to accept all of "me" - with all the messed up parts of me. I came to GYE hoping to find a way to help "me" in this journey.

There's more to be said, but I can't say anymore - I'm too drained. Thanks for listening to me, again.