Hello,

I was encouraged last week by a private message to post on the forum, and I agree that doing so can only be helpful, so here I am.

Married man, young children.  Kovei'a itim, growth-oriented - but yet I fall.  I'm sometimes triggered, and then I know exactly what to do with it - to my detriment.  It's usually a stepwise process, but I've been doing this long enough to know that when I go where there's no guardrail it's not a question of if I'll fall but when. Sometimes I can grab the wheel and save myself at least for the next hour, or day, or week - sometimes not.

I've found a modified YESOD to be very helpful, although it requires commitment to see it through (sometimes feels a bit like a grapefruit diet, but that may well be what I need).  Leaving my phone in my car is also a game-changer, although of course it's not a perfect method.

I was lightly triggered late this morning and half-heartedly began to move towards it, but I kept my wits enough to stop myself (even though my immediate plan was not to fall but only to do something that ultimately will lead to a fall).  

Apologies if I've rambled a bit or a lot.  Thanks for reading this far.

If nothing else, posting this caused me to think to myself that maybe it's not a great idea for me to be so close to my phone now.  So in the car it goes.

ST

Welcome! Great first step to post. Stick around, get to know the boys, and remember that there's lots to learn here. BeH you can learn tactics and tips that will help you break free. 
Keep posting! And trucking, of course 
P.s. That wasn't rambling

Great first post. Welcome to the forum. You have been on GYE for a while already. Maybe you would like to share more of what worked for you thus far or more about your struggles. We are rooting for you.

eerie wrote on 02 Feb 2024 19:10:

Even if it was rambling, those posts are the best as it conveys your thoughts the best.
Welcome & Hatzlocha!

Welcome!

We are all in this together, and here you'll find many helping hands, just keep your eyes open.

It's good to ramble around here. Besides finding friends and wisdom, sometimes you can figure out what's going on inside, a little...

Welcome! There are many pathways open. Hope lives here.

Wishing you the best, and looking forward to getting to know you, 

Chaim 

Wow! I totally relate. U got me to admit to myself that when I am doing certain things, I know in the back of my mind that I am going into a trap.
And even though I had this light quiet thought, you brought it up to the surface. In your zechus, I will IYH make today a solid קבלה in that area.

Thank you everyone for your welcomes and good wishes.  I look forward to learning from everyone here.

In response to one poster's question of what's worked: I already mentioned YESOD and keeping my phone in my car.  I would also add to that list that avoiding staying up late is beneficial, because the longer I stay up the weaker my defenses become.  If I'm going to be honest, though, I don't have this under control by any means - either because I need better strategies or because I need better execution of these strategies.

In response to one poster's question about my struggles (I apologize that I forget the exact lashon):  I could certainly write a book describing the history of my struggles, but I don't think it would really be helpful to myself or interesting to anyone.  No particularly exotic traumas.  Some bad decisions that started from a very tame place and took me to where I am now, but I don't think any of this matters - although please correct me if I'm looking at this in the wrong way.  Ultimately, here I am.  I need to get this under control - systematically (B"H, I'm usually not at a point where it's significantly interfering with my life, but it's still a problem).  Thinking about what brought me here wastes effort that I can use to think about how to get me out of here.

I have many other liabilities and challenges in life (as many as anybody else, I suppose) that exacerbate my problems in this realm, but looking at my falls from that standpoint excuses them at worst and at best makes everything more complicated and convoluted.  Instead, I need to find sustainable solutions that fit me as I am, here and now.  I believe that they exist and that I'm capable of applying them, and now I've taken the step of openly expressing myself to a community that will hopefully provide me with insights that will help me along the journey.

Thank you,

ST

The book The Battle of the Generation helps a lot with the execution of strategies. The Flight to Freedom program gives advice about effective practical strategies. It is a very comprehensive program and it has practical strategies from many angles about how to win this struggle. I am not referring simply to the list of tools in the toolbox.

Hi!
I so relate to the subtle allowance to a "no big deal" turn, which will definitely lead to a real fall. I have been doing that so long that I don't even have to tell myself it won't lead to anything. My mind just says, yeah, it's fine because this is not so bad right now. It's the excuse that lets me turn down that path with less immediate guilt. 
Thanks for shining a light on this.

seekertooth wrote on 04 Feb 2024 17:52:

I must say, that I personally beg to differ.
When a person can trace his struggles and understand where they are coming from, it would only make sense for it to be easier to break free from the struggles,  by addressing the root of the problem,  not just touching on the symptoms.
You can treat migraines with Advil on a daily basis,, or you can try to understand the root of the headaches,  and then get rid of them completely. 
Also, when one understands their current struggle in life that can very much:
1 - Help them locate the triggers that cause us to to turn to P, and thereby dealt with them.
2 - It can (this helps for me personally) help them draw strength when they put into perspective the real Kochos Hanefesh that they have, and yes, you're allowed to oat yourself on the back once in a while.

Just my personal opinion. 

Welcome. It should be with hatzlocha.

Thank you for your thoughtful response.

I agree that knowing what one's triggers are is essential, as is generally having a sense of what's going wrong.
But once one knows what's gone wrong, there's not necessarily a value to living in the past.

I could state that one factor that has led to my falls has been ADD.  Maybe this acknowledgement of my ADD provides some insight into what I need to be careful of to avoid future falls.  But does avoiding future falls mean that I need to address every aspect of my ADD?

After a fall, I need to be ready to face the next challenge and win the next battle and not become discouraged.  But perhaps focusing too much on deeper internal root causes that are more difficult to change distracts one from concrete simple answers that may be good enough?

I have no answers, but I value the discussion.

Thank you,

ST

I assume you are referring to ADHD which also includes impulsive behavior. I have a few first degree relatives with ADHD. Some of them learned coping skills and they are doing very well. It is probably a good idea to read literature about how to cope with ADHD. Since people with ADHD sometimes have a hard time reading you might prefer short-term therapy, at least if ADHD is interfering with your regular functioning. Either way, I wouldn't turn a blind eye to your symptoms. The key to a successful life with ADHD is learning coping skills. It might also be necessary in order to overcome your challenges.

Hi Seekertooth, welcome, welcome!!

Thank you for bringing up this important discussion

I think perhaps there's no black and white answer to your question. For some, plowing ahead with a variety of useful tools can indeed suffice.

For many here who have reached more intense levels of addiction/entrenchment, things usually run deeper. And while one may break free of destructive behaviors by simply forging ahead, so to speak, ultimately those emotions that led him to numb/escape in the first place will eventually rear its ugly head.

​And that's when the fun starts...learning how to deal with those emotional triggers in an honest, healthy, vulnerable way. 

It's really a spectrum, (how deeply you were entrenched in these behaviors and why) and where you see yourself on that spectrum.

I hope you have much hatzlacha!!