I've been bitten by the lust bug. I almost did something tonight that could've been stupid and the start of a slippery slope.
BH I didn't, and I immediately texted a GYE friend and spoke out with him what happened.

I need to up my guard, strengthen the defense, and restart a hard, full court press.
Time to fire up the offense, full speed ahead.

I am committing to read two pages of TBOTG from now until Chanukah, to post a daily update at least tomorrow and Sunday, and to check in with a GYE friend at least once a day.

As always, tips are always appreciated.

proudyungerman wrote on 19 Dec 2024 03:41:

I'm sorry Brother,
Glad you caught yourself and are taking steps to adjust.

Care to check in with 2 GYE friends? I'd love to hear your takeaway from the day's reading of TBOTG.
Hatzlacha!

B"H today was better than yesterday, but still a rollercoaster.

I am trying to do some serious introspection to see if I can gain any insight on what changed.
I hope to spend some time on Shabbos thinking, maybe even to come up with some ideas for consistent, positive change.

Missed yesterday's check-in, but BH all is good.
Urges have subsided somewhat, but not expecting that to last (at least right now).

Forgot to read TBOTG last night (but it was an amazing night for me, was so worth it!), hope to get back into it tonight.

Funnily enough, I didn't have so much time over Shabbos to think as my predetermined slot disappeared on me. 

I think much of what changed was my ability to be actively involved in growth the way I was before. I am working on figuring out ways to improving that aspect of things.

And remember, as always...
KOMT!!
(without a "g")

Sometimes despite our efforts to stay clean, (no looking,  obviously no watching) the lust bug just hits you out of the blue, and your left wondering, what the heck am I doing wrong? These are reminders that we're still human, a gift from Hashem that we gotta be on guard at all times and never get complacent. But even you'll admit, that these reminders are like taps on the shoulder compared to the overwhelming tidal waves of lust that used to completely threaten to drown you. Take a moment to reflect on your growth, your low points are miles away from your old high points. You're dealing with them the best way by reaching out to your buddies. Keep on showing us the way and blazing the path for your many Talmidim to follow!

I'm currently home, by myself, for a few days.
I am currently slightly more vulnerable than I'd like to be.
(I'm very tired and my wife hasn't been able to be there for me as much as I need like, which shows.)

I'm going to be fine, I'm going to come out way bigger and better than I started this week.
I am going to come out clean.

In order for that to happen, I need to:
1) Be in touch with people
2) Be in touch with people
3) Be in touch with people
4) Be in touch with people
5) Get to sleep at a normal hour
6) Keep TBOTG in mind throughout the day
7) Minimize my time at home alone

Looking forward to checking in later with a clean bill of spiritual (and physical) health!

(As an aside, I have been noticing that the ideas from TBOTG have been popping into my head at different times of necessity. IDK, but I'm happy!)

proudyungerman wrote on 01 Jan 2025 03:26:

Now that you've enjoyed the full redfaced experience ( the hug on both cheeks - and the another one)  feel free to call whenever.

Day 361

ברוך שהחיינו וקיימנו לזמן הזה!


As my time home alone draws to a close I feel extraordinarily happy. This is not the first time I was home alone since I started my GYE journey, but this time was by far the hardest. I was very tired and, as I mentioned, have been struggling a little with the lust bug. It had seemed to be slowly leavin' me, but this was too good of a target.

Depending on the time of day being home was triggerin', being in the Kollel was triggerin', and once, today, both were triggerin'! (Then I just remembered that I had to get gas so off I went and called a GYE friend while I was doin' so, BH for that! Thanks! YKW you are!)

There is no question in my mind that had this been earlier in my journey that I would've fallen, and hard. 

This time I was able to realize that it's ok to have an urge and not do anything about. It really hit me that I have the freedom to literally do anything I want, from porn to phone sex lines and worse. There was no one watching me. There was nothing stopping me. Except myself (with the help of some friends...but even friends just help me stop myself...).

But I didn't have to give in! I can feel the urge, the pain, the desire to act out to my heart's content, and have the space to think and realize that this is not what I want to do. I am not going to do it! And when it got really tough, I called a friend.

אין מילים בפי להודות להקב"ה על כל הטובות, ובפרט שהגיעני לדרגא זו שנראה לי שבאמת, אחר כמה שנים, בחירתי חבושה תחת ידי. ותפילתי אל אבי שבשמים שאזכה, אם כל קהילה קדישא הדין, לעלות מעלה מעלה בקדושה וטהרה אמיתית עד ביאת גואל צדק במהרה בימינו!

Special thank you to my GYE friends who reached out at many different times. It warms my heart to know that you are thinking of me and you care.
Thank you!

proudyungerman wrote on 03 Jan 2025 04:57:

mines frend, yu hubing a groise mistake, i not YKW, yu cant telling me hu i am, i am de groise baba frum gye, de famous funny joke of gye, not ykw.

and by de way i'm thinking we have to changing his name to UNH cause now dat he's chasidish it's U No Hu, not ykw...

Day 381
כ"ג טבת תשפ"ה

As I was about to head to sleep for the night, it hit me that today was something special.

On this date last year I picked up the phone, for second time (shout to IWLR for being number 1!!!), and called HHM. And my life hasn't looked the same since.
(As I sit here about to submit this post, my emotions are overcoming me. I must say that I really never thought I would live to see this day.)

Thank you Hashem, who's Hand I have never felt more.

It is hard for me to really believe that I have truly reached this milestone. I never believed that I could truly be free of my shackles of desire, I was stuck for life in a slow-moving downward spiral. If I'm being really honest, there were things I wished I had the guts to do (BH I didn't).
Right before I joined I had ventured into previously unexplored territory, and I was petrified.

I would like to organize my thoughts a bit more to express some of what I have gained in the last year, but לפטור בולא כלום אי אפשר.
I now know that it is actually possible to walk down the street, notice something in my peripheral vision and not only not take a good look, but in fact not look at all.
I can actually love myself, appreciate who I am, what I have accomplished, and really value who I am.
I don't have to call phone sex lines to cover over my low self esteem.
I can let my wife's love and acceptance wash over me in a warm, internal embrace that is oh so fulfilling.
I have the ability to choose my reaction to any given situation, I continuously work on strengthening my desire to choose wisely.

אין מילים בפי להודות לבורא כל העולמים על שהימצא לי המקום הקדוש הזה
אשא כפי אל השמים ובקשתי שטוחה מעומקא דלבי שיעבור רוח קדושה וטהרה בכל העולם עד שהמקום הקדוש הזה יהיה ממש מיותר ויזכה כולנו לעלות מעלה מעלה בכל  ענייני רוחניות ויזכו לקבל משיח צדקינו בקדושה וטהרה אמיתית במהרה בימינו ממש אמן ואמן 

I want to end with a special thank you to some of the people who really made it possible for me to get to where I am.
You know who you are, I am not the same because of the hours spent listening, talking, advising, reviewing...again, guiding, and more.

400 days, wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep on shteigen, brother, what an inspiration!

proudyungerman wrote on 23 Jan 2025 06:01:

Nothin' like bein' stuck at home to have some time...

• The power of a real friend. I can't stress enough how helpful it is to have a friend where you can literally dump everything on, from the littlest annoyances to (some of) the biggest struggles you are currently dealing with. An understanding ear, accepting heart, and warm hand can make all the difference. It was also extremely validating in the very beginning and helped me realize that it's not a joke. I am actually normal (not that kind, eerie:), like the other guys I am talking to, I just also have an embarrassing struggle. That thought is still helpful sometimes. I have also gained a tremendous amount of wise advice and guidance in this area and also in my (real/fake) life outside of GYE from some of the special people here. Can not underestimate that. At all.
  Warning: Spoiler!
  [p][For the sake of honesty, I'll put out here that  sometimes after meeting someone it can be more challenging to open up to them after. Still totally with it to meet, though. 1000%![/p]
• The power and ability of a real paradigm/mindset shift. I experienced it in both the simple fact that there is a way out of this mess and in the shift in fighting the battle. It has served me well up until this point, and will hopefully continue going forward.
• Real, deep, internal change is actually possible in a way I never imagined. If it's possible here, it's possible elsewhere too. That is something I have been working on, with some success, in my (real/fake) life, outside of GYE.
• Humility. Everyone here is an anonymous username. You may end up finding out that the guy who gives you some great advice is a few decades younger than you, from a different stream of Judaism, still struggling, etc.
• This is something that I have been learning, really more internalizing, recently. The battle is never over. Not until after a long, hopefully fruitful, successful life and I am 6 feet under the ground. Until then, it doesn't matter how long my streak is, the YH is still going to tempt me. The temptations may be few and far between, but if I don't spend my time now to continue growing, when they hit they may slam me.
  Warning: Spoiler!

  This is my soapbox! I feel like people come onto GYE, start tasting success, and think that they are free from the YH forever. Then they get slammed by some strong urges, some fall, and they are like huh? I thought I was done with this? It ain't over until it's over!

  Warning: Spoiler!

  Or till red sings...then I'll do anything to escape...

To me, freedom means the ability to deal with my YH, the urges that it serves me, and my reactions to my choices. Yes, if I ever fall again, I hope to be able to not let it drag me down, because I am a different person now. I don't have to react the same way I used to, I am not stuck in the same patterns of my previous script. I CAN choose my reaction!
That might be the most important idea I've learnt.

Day 400!

Wow!
Less than 400 hundred days ago, I never (read: never!) thought I could make it to this point.
הודו לה' כי טוב

Three points I currently need to work on:

• ​Continuous positive thinking about struggles - including the pleasure gained in overcoming, calmness available without obsessing, happiness in avoidance
• I need to continue strengthening my paradigm shift of viewing women as people. I was doin' very well and I slacked off a bit. Not a pressure, just a realization that I need to turn my focus to it.
• Continue working on improving and strengthening my self-esteem. BH it got a serious overhaul and has had a bull year, but there is still work to be done.

proudyungerman wrote on 13 Feb 2025 04:34:

Wow wow wow mazel tov!!!!!!! L'chaim!!! beautiful!!!! amazing!! keep it up brother!!! i wish i were with you to celebrate this in person! either way hope u feel my simcha for you! keep it up!!!! ah bisel gaiva d'kudusha!!!!

With much love, the mirrer

p.s. why does your profile say 415?

R yungerman you have what to be proud about!!!!!         Really every days a new special number but there's definitely a good feeling of a fat 400 shliemusdikeh number.    Imh by mir.    Not th alteh mir.